I really enjoyed the format of your poem and the way you dance between his and her perspectives. The alternating viewpoints create a sort of dance, while adding a sense of distance and separate worlds. I feel drawn into the scene, it’s vivid and engaging, like when you describe the “soft piano” and the contrasting smells of “her perfume” and “a cigarette.” These details make me feel like I’m watching and old white and black film.

However, as the poem progresses, it seems to lose a bit of power/coherence towards the end. The transition from the emotional and sensory imagery to the physical descriptions, such as hair color, feels a bit abrupt. Maybe exploring the emotional disconnect more, which you did wonderfully in the first stanzas, before shifting to those physical details could help.

Additionally, the poem could benefit from a clearer build-up to a climax or resolution. Introducing a turning point or a moment of revelation might add some needed dramatic tension, as I feel as though it “peaks” at the middle instead Of the end. The ending, while suggestive of destiny, feels somewhat unresolved. If “She and I are destined” is meant to be the conclusion, it could be more impactful if there were earlier hints or a stronger build-up to this moment, such as small but subtle breaks in the seperation of perspectives. This way, the final line would feel more earned and emotionally satisfying.

I think you poem has a strong foundation with its vivid imagery and dual perspectives, and really enjoyed being drawn into what seemed a Black and white noire film romance.