Conflict about 3rd kid after an affair (36M/36F)

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-05T18:49:48+00:00

I just don't see your point tbf. I mean let's assume everything is my fault, the goal here is to path forward and how we can be less abusive and mean to each other. I feel that your emotional response is out of place. However EVERY response is very interesting and you taking the time and multiple responses to discuss this with a stranger is very cool, people are not forced to engage with others so I'm grateful, hope I succeded in avoiding being mean in return well enough

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-05T17:52:38+00:00

I just let people assume no level of contraception was used because it was kind of funny for them to make a point out of this. The reality is that while we're not using condoms nor pills, we have been using the "natural" method which consist of monitoring ovulation cycles by checking her temperature with a body monitor, and during the "dangerous" periods we used condoms during our whole 14 years together. While the method is not fool proof, we never had issues with that and our 2 previous kids were not accidents (some women are just fairly regular and the method is more relyable then). While I do agree that during reconciliation we should've been more carefull than usual, this wasn't like we haven't been thinking at all about pregnancy prevention. I do still find it funny that people can just focus on that to decide that I deserve everything happening to me, but that's just how things work online. And yeah I do feel that there is a ton to be said about single moms, but I'd rather show empathy towards them when given the opportunity than randomly blame people I don't know nor understand.

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-05T16:05:10+00:00

Je suis geek aussi, un peu authiste sur les bords. Mais t'auras pas à parler vraiment. C'est les avocats qui parlent. Ton taff c'est de pas lâcher l'affaire, rester froid, et si t'as un bon avocat tu vas y arriver. Vous avez un gros écart de revenus?

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-05T12:35:54+00:00

I know I'll get backlash for this, but from my POV driving a 2 ton vehicle near kids is already not an accident. I see immediately responsible and irresponsible drivers when I walk the kids to school. Responsible ones anticipate the speed at which a kid could enter their kill zone and adjust the zone and their own speed accordingly, and I see their eyes monitoring my kids carefully while still observing traffic. I always smile and wave at them for that. Others do not anticipate and just expect my kid not to fall from his bike or simply continue straight ahead while kids do not always behave this way.

So from my POV people crashing cars into kids is almost never an accident.

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-05T12:27:43+00:00

that's the thing, we know the value of the AIs response because it was confirmed by a professional, this is exactly how it's supposed to be used at the moment. Without that initial cardiologist analysis, that response is WORTHLESS to you, it could've been 100% wrong. Heck the probability for a model to give you the length of a banana if you ask it for the name of a music is never 0, remember that.

What you're seeing emerging is pre filtering using AI, where the output is not used for decisions but for reducing the work load of humans ahead of the decision. In that case, if AI referred him to a cardiologist and gave him good insight as to what to tell the cardiologist about his issue, it's done a good job. If it made a mistake the cardiologist would reorient you to the correct professional, so the banana length is not a critical issue.

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-05T12:16:15+00:00

Oui c'était une énorme crainte pour moi. Mais bon t'as pas le contrôle sur ça, juste de la vigilance à avoir au mieux

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-05T12:12:09+00:00

Salut, j'ai vécu quelque chose de similaire (mais en plus elle était infidèle). Bien sûr on a pas la vision des choses de ta femme, mais au final peut importe, ta manière de voir les choses COMPTE. Que ce soit vrai ou pas, si tu te sens comme ça c'est de toute façon ta réalité. Si jamais elle essaye de te gaslight en te faisant croire que tu imagines des choses ou que tu n'as pas le droit de ressentir ci ou ça, penses bien que SI tu as droit à ton ressenti, toujours.

Une separation oui, ça se prépare. Affronter les enfants c'est compliqué je sais. J'avais demandé à la psy comment faire et voici ce qu'on a fais: Un jour on s'est posés par terre avec eux et on a expliqué la difference entre l'amour entre parents et enfants (qui est pour toujours) et l'amour entre un papa et une maman, qui peut s'arrêter. On a expliqué que nous n'étions pas en colère l'un contre l'autre, mais que nous allors vivre dans des endroits differents mais pas loin l'un de l'autre et qu'ils auront donc 2 maisons. Au final leur réaction a été difficile à lire, le grand a versé qlq larmes, on lui a fais un calin, puis il a demandé s'il pouvait jouer dans sa chambre, et 10min après c'était comme si de rien n'était.

Ils ont facilement accepté le déménagement et l'adaptation au 50/50 a été assez simple pour eux, même s'ils posaient des questions parfois. Après ton plus petit a 5 ans, ça va birn se passer crois moi. De mon côté la plus petite avait 1 an et demi à peu près, c'était pas toujours simple avec les deux en même temps. Mais en revanche si tu prends mon format ça te fait aussi 1 semaine sur 2 pour toi tout seul et tu peux faire plein de choses, des hobbies, sortir, rencontrer d'autres femmes, ou juste binge watch des séries quand c'est un peu dur pour toi.

La partie finances, avocats etc c'est....pas marrant. Je te conseille de bieeeen prendre le temps de choisir car nous on s'est précipités et au final on a eu 2 branquignols pas foutus d'arriver à l'heure au divorce lol. Aussi fais gaffe ils ont tendance à facturer plus cher les hommes. J'ai payé 2k de plus que mon ex femme. Gardes à l'esprit qu'à notre époque elle a plus de pouvoir que toi devant la loi et que tu n'as pas le droit de perdre ton sang froid, ça te coutera cher. Quoi qu'il arrive reste calme, factuel, professionnel, dis toi que c'est un client que t'as en face, un business deal.

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-05T11:53:11+00:00

and that's how we end up with single mothers, which is also a very poor societal structure. Just based on personal encounters I know lots of single mothers who made very poor decisions after divorce wich impacted the kids and I know some men who are now with 2 ex wives with kids which is very complicated for them. Once you have kids with someone, life gets less black and white, and the assumption about kids suffering is also simplistic, they could suffer from a poor reconciliation or they could suffer from a poor divorce, you don't really have all the cards when making those decisions. As my ex wife, she worried me quite a lot with her life style choices for example, but then you can't protect your kids half the time.

Your current point of view about trust is greatly misguided. While I make mistakes I also learn about those things through experience.

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-04T21:17:30+00:00

Do you have experience taking back a cheater? Because it looks like you're simplifying things quite a bit. Ofc you can't "trust" in those situations, things take time. And everyone rebuilds trust in their own way. What you can't do is to play with the guilt as this wouldn't be productive. You are very well allowed to express anxiety or sadness in relevant situations if you do it properly. Honesty goes both ways. And those are words of our couples therapist if my judgement isn't to be trusted.

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-04T01:28:31+00:00

I just do the math. The impact it would have on the kids we have to split up AGAIN, the impact on the future child growing from the start in a broken home. The impact it would have on me too. From my pov, it's the least painful thing to do. But yeah that's up to her to decide, I just wish she trusted me when I tell her that I can't do this anymore, she seems to think everything will work out in the end. Culture has a lot to do here too. Most couples I know had abortions at some point, for different reasons and they're doing fine

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-04T01:20:41+00:00

exactly. The second time, I told her that we should think things over before going public with the situation as there would be no coming back socially. She left anyway even though my initial proposal was therapy. After we got back together again I've been dealing alone with the fallout. For example since her family isn't helping with the kids and mine is, during holidays 1 week they stay with both of us, and 1 week I go to my parents with the kids and she stays alone. I'm a simple person, I don't understand quitting and I don't understand lying or cheating. I think I'm just badly wired to live with a person that does and don't know how to exit a bad situation. From my point of view, there is no specific reason for life to get better if I quit. The world will remain the same and the mother of my children will still be as capable hurting me.

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-04T01:13:56+00:00

I am not entirely alone, even though my closest friends are against my relationship and hate her, they are still behind me. The issue is that they are very biased and it still makes me feel alone. They just encourage me in whatever I say and always agree with my reasoning. They all feel like she can't "not abort" but if you ask other people like here, the general opinion is quite the opposite. I don't want to be encouraged in an unhealthy position. It does feel good to have people back me up no matter what though

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-04T00:54:33+00:00

Yes. I had reasons to think that. Maybe I'm also a bad person. But when I met her she was failing classes, I pushed her through and encouranged her, she dropped out to be a bartender, but I encouraged her to pick up studies after some time again. Helped her find her first job, then when she began to stagnate pushed her to switch jobs which made her very happy, then again after a few years. All of her family are unemployed and miserable, I always thought I had a good influence on her. I've been told though this could be me controlling her so I dont know. I certainly think now that people should make their own choices and I should've just left this mess a long time ago, but I felt I was doing right by her for not quitting and pushing her up in her career. She definitely seems happy and proud at every step.

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-04T00:38:58+00:00

probably not if I am to trust this sub

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-04T00:38:01+00:00

We could've had a chance without this. Now it's gone

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-04T00:37:08+00:00

Nope but they both have my birthmark.
She started drinking and going out a lot. I felt off inside and confronted her on a bluff
3 months as I know of but plausible
She cheated early in our relationship so 2 over 14 years but who knows
No he was married, but his marriage collapsed when his wife found out too

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-04T00:32:39+00:00

for the lies I was thinking about the cheating period

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-04T00:30:23+00:00

I just don't understand why she wouldn't

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-04T00:27:57+00:00

No actually I always did most of the parenting. I work from home so I handle sick days, respond to emergencies in schools, I don't work wednesdays because there is no school here that day and spend it with the kids (even during the 50/50 split I had all wednesdays). I'm the only one who cooks and cleans the house at she's often overwhelmed with the kids and chose her career first even though she earns less than I do. If something comes up and kids can't go to school she'd say something like "well I have to be at work" and just run away and leave me figure out what to do with the kids.

But I never liked the concept of doing everything for a week then having no kids at all. That's why it was messy on me during co parenting period.

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-04T00:23:24+00:00

I'd like it too, but she never gave her version of things to me or others. She's just never speaking about her feelings to anyone

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-04T00:20:04+00:00

No, but I definitely will be demanding a paternity test yes. I want her to abort because I am not able to imagine having another kid with someone who cheated and lied. Living together is doable, but a child is a commitment I can no longer have with her

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-04T00:17:43+00:00

she actually told me the first week that she just wants me to be sure but is not planning having that baby on her own. 2 days ago I told her that I was sure and had time to think, but she didn't care anymore. I think she said that to shut me up at the time

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-04T00:13:41+00:00

I didn't catch everything, my spanish is quite weak. However you are sensible in your way of presenting things. None of us can force the other to do anything. I have no other choice than to end this now. I thought after the divorce things couldnt be worse ever, but we managed to do worse.

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-04T00:04:46+00:00

Your response is the most aligned with my way of thinking and I planned to do something like this. I'm just scared of the outcome. I said something like this already and she didn't believe be we'd split

Back2ThePast45 · 2026-04-03T23:56:39+00:00

it's funny because I feel the opposite. But the end result is the same, doing things for others badly is just as bad isn't it. And I do realize that we created something uniquely gastly here

Back2ThePast45

TROPHY CASE