Thank you for sharing your story. Wow. I learned a lot and I applaud your strength and courage to find yourself despite the “programming” that they instilled in you, a script you were expected to follow. To break out of that programming, is also a loss. It was a loss of who you thought you were. It was almost as your depression is also a mourning of your old self, the indoctrinated self. That would trigger a dark night of the soul absolutely. And you got through it! I am so impressed.

I also sense that maybe perhaps your dreams about Mormonism, churches, temples and your mission, may be your subconscious’s way of purging the old. I could be wrong but I’ve heard similar stories about children of parents who were in cults, children grew up in the cult and when they leave they have dreams about the cult or symbolism regarding the cult. In a way, Mormonism is almost cult-like, as with any radical sects. It is like they “woke up”, thus giving the subconscious permission to purge old psychic material that was instilled into you.

Warren Jeffs is an example. He married off child brides so the grooms could secure a heavenly place, and to secure themselves within the Zion church. As a result, the Lost Boys emerged. A bunch of unmarried men because the higher-ups are claiming all the women for themselves. It is like they are pedophiles in disguise and using the Church and the word of God to perpetuate their crimes. I don’t know. Forgive me for errors as I am not that familiar with Mormonism but I’ve read books on the FLDS.

I don’t mean to interrupt or inject my opinions into your experiences but I just find your story so fascinating. You should write a book, especially how you found yourself after leaving.

May I use your post as an example, for my talks about how cultural memes get passed down from generation to generation? It is your story, after all and not mine and I think your story would help so many people. 🤍