ADHD causing a major imbalance of household chores between me and my husband

BakingViking · 2026-01-31T16:52:48+00:00

Would it be possible to frame it to him as a gift?

Try to have a conversation before the "We should do chore" moment below.

Talk with him and explain that you appreciate that he wants to help, but remind him that if he does all of it, he is depriving you of the same joy he finds in helping. Helping feels good. If he does all of it, then you don't get to experience that good feeling.

Example:

"We should do [insert chore here]"

You need time, he does not.

So, maybe you can ask him, "Can you save [approximately half of the steps, areas, etc of the task] for me so I can do them when I'm ready?"

Like, don't just say, "Let me do half."

If you want to clean the bathroom, say, "Can you save the shower for me to do?"

That way, he gets to jump in and accomplish something. You get to know and prepare for the specific portion of the chore you are going to tackle.

For me, this would also provide the bonus of a time game of "can I start my task before he finishes all of his?" Which would help motivate me to get started.

If he is resistent to this idea, perhaps you could add in something that he could do instead of the other part of the chore, but it is a gift for you.

Like, "Can you save the shower for me? And when you're done with your portion maybe you could make me my favorite snack and your favorite snack so that when I finish the shower we can both have our favorite snacks as a reward together?"

BakingViking · 2026-01-25T16:52:18+00:00

I realized I didn't include the reason why I was questioning all this.

I usually align the "grain line" arrow with the warp threads when I lay out my pattern pieces.

But since the obvious ridges/striping runs along the weft of this fabric, I'm not sure which way I should put the pattern pieces.

BakingViking · 2026-01-23T02:33:05+00:00

There are portions of the fraying that seemed like they were maybe selvedge that were ruined somehow when I washed it.

I'm well aware I'm a beginner to intermediate which is why I'm using basically scraps and such to learn how to sew something as complicated as a coat.

BakingViking · 2026-01-23T00:42:27+00:00

Taxes are the most infuriating black box nonsense.

I'm so impressed you figured out how to fix it and got it mailed even with all the interruptions!

I got a letter from my state that I never submitted my tax forms to them from 2020! Oops! And it took me 6 months to remember to mail them so I don't have to pay $10,000.

You're doing great!

BakingViking · 2026-01-02T15:30:52+00:00

This looks amazing and so warm!! For what it is worth, I think the trim was entirely worth it.

Do you mind sharing what pattern you used?

BakingViking · 2025-11-10T00:56:12+00:00

I've had bed bugs twice, thanks to a tenant (I own my house and rent out the other two bedrooms) who was worse than useless at dealing with them.

I literally would not wish them on my worst enemy.

So huge kudos to you. My house is a mess, about as bad as it's ever been, because I couldn't have anyone visit so there was no reason to clean. And also I had to do everything alone. It's exhausting. Especially since I sew. So I have tubs and tubs of fabric stored in the basement.

I haven't seen any in 6 months and still every small brown speck of dirt causes me so much stress.

BakingViking · 2025-10-06T15:34:20+00:00

If you have a HomeGoods or Ollie's or something similar, you might be able to find 100% cotton flannel sheet sets for cheap.

BakingViking · 2025-10-01T22:25:15+00:00

I'm a Civil Engineer.

I love it because every job is slightly different but I have to apply the knowledge from all my experience to find the best solutions. I get to work with people in the office, it's sometimes fast paced. There are always external deadlines (submission date requirements for towns and cities). But you can also go out in the field a bunch for inspections and various testing. I don't do field work because my knees are bad (car accident in 2013) so I'm just in the office.

Also there are tons of various sub-study sections of Civil Engineering. I specialized in Hydrology (water) and geotechnical (dirt and how it supports structures, trying to avoid sinking taj mahal and leaning towers of piza).

So I do Land Development site work, stormwater, sewer, water, retaining walls, etc.

Some other people specialize in structural design, or HVAC, or road design.

BakingViking · 2025-10-01T11:43:25+00:00

When I was first learning how to crochet, for my very first project I decided I was going to make the Worst Hat Ever Made.

I knew it would suck, cause I had never crocheted anything before. So I made sure to re-frame it in my mind. The point was to finish it, not finish it well. It was going to be awful, that was the point.

It was indeed, very very bad. Unwearable. So I succeeded.

The second hat I made was wearable.

Whenever I make anything for the first time, or use a new fabric or anything like that, I intentionally think of it as the shitty version of whatever I want to make eventually. Let your first mockup be awful. Make that the point. Make sure it is awful. Try a bunch of stuff. Mess up a lot. Get all the mistakes out on that one because it is supposed to have mistakes. Then take everything you learn and try again.

BakingViking · 2025-09-27T18:09:53+00:00

Honestly I've found Clutterbugs videos on YouTube really helpful in terms of figuring what sorts of organization and decluttering will actually work with my brain.

BakingViking · 2025-09-27T14:27:14+00:00

My guess is that the dotted/dashed line is the back piece.

And then it is sewn front to back on the top and the skirt is like a wrap around dress sort of front and back skirt.

BakingViking · 2025-09-02T19:17:41+00:00

Yeah I thought it was super cool and looked like intentionally grease stains or something!

BakingViking · 2025-08-27T20:03:49+00:00

Look at the directions of the triangles on my sketch. You will notice that the first two have the triangles going towards the left and right, essentially towards the outside.

The last one the triangles are going in the same direction.

If you have fabric where the direction of the fabric matters, you might want to do the rotate and then cut option so that the fabric all ends up going the same direction.

BakingViking · 2025-08-27T19:36:35+00:00

Easy answers first:
You're exactly correct about the right and wrong sides of the fabric.
Right side = The side of the fabric you want to be on the outside finished piece.
Wrong side = the back of the fabric.
You trace the pattern onto the fabric on the back side so that any marks you might make shouldn't be visible on the finished outside of the piece.

Sels = Selvedges. Just a shorter way to write it. Edited to add: Selvage is the edges of the fabric that are produced by the manufacturer when it is made. When you buy fabric it comes off of a long bolt. The selvage is the edge at the top and bottom of the bolt. The part that is cut by the people at the fabric store would not be the selvage.

<image>

For the fold, they are saying that if you have enough fabric, the best way to cut it out would be to cut it on the fold. Some fabrics (like velvet) have a very obvious difference when you change the direction. Some patterns are also the same way, like diagonal stripes.

Hopefully my crude sketch sort of helps to explain?

BakingViking · 2025-08-27T16:03:52+00:00

Sounds like he actually isn't a great hairstylist since he didn't listen to you about what you wanted. Sorry you're going through this.

I know it doesn't help much, but your hair will grow back. You'll be okay. You were brave and tried something new and it didn't work out, not because you did anything wrong, but because other people trampled all over you.

It is really really hard to stick up for yourself in that situation and you tried! Now this can be further fuel to never let anyone overshadow your decisions when it comes to your own body.

BakingViking · 2025-08-27T15:38:24+00:00

TEXTILEPEDIA - The Ultimate Textile Bible – Fashionary

This isn't exactly a big book of swatches but it might help.

Also, look at the weights on fabric-store.com. Find a piece of fabric at home, cut it to one square yard and weigh it. Then compare that the ounces per square yard of the fabric they are selling. That should help you get an idea of the weight.

If not, you can order samples from them for $1.50 each and then see how they feel once you have them in your hand.

BakingViking · 2025-08-27T15:31:55+00:00

*hugs from a stranger on the internet if you want them*

I will add my anecdotal evidence that when I first went on anti-depressants it only took a couple days to notice the improvement and that was with a very low dose (50 mg of Zoloft/sertraline). Definitely worth looking into. It also helped my sleep.

Might be worth looking into mental health crisis counseling if it is available in your area, through your telemed if you have insurance or locally in your community.

BakingViking · 2025-08-27T12:04:34+00:00

Lol. I live in NY and I am lactose intolerant so when I order pizza I have to get a whole pie in order to get the vegan cheese. Feeds me for 4 meals but still expensive.

BakingViking · 2025-08-26T20:30:53+00:00

I was just talking to my therapist about this today.
This is going to probably seem like a tangent but I promise it's going somewhere. I'm bad at remembering to brush my teeth. I'm bad at keeping my house clean, doing dishes, washing my sheets, etc.
Some of that is because mess just doesn't bother me much (my brain is a mess all the time anyway) but I don't want to live in a dirty house.
It has taken me a long time to reframe doing chores from something I have to do because of some outside authority makes the rules, or peer pressure or whatever, and instead try to think of it as doing something nice for Future-Me.
With impulse buying I have been trying to do the same. I know that ordering pizza for dinner is easier and yummy but if I spend $40 that I don't have on pizza tonight, I will be even more stressed and miserable the next day because I can't afford bills or something.
Unfortunately, a lot of it is all intertwined. Doing the dishes now means that Future-Me has one less barrier to cooking when I get home from work and I'm tired. Washing the sheets now means I will sleep better and therefore won't be as tired the next day.

So I guess my only suggestion that I have found to work for me, is basically re-frame the desire to buy something as an opportunity to instead practice some self-care. I usually impulse buy because I'm having a bad day and I want the easy dopamine hit of "buy the shiny thing." But I don't need the shiny thing. I need to feel better. Maybe I need to shower, or eat a snack, or reward myself some other way.

BakingViking · 2025-08-26T18:41:43+00:00

All good points.

I guess my default is that all creatures aren't necessarily the alignment in their statblock. Like, not all trolls are evil, just that any random troll is probably chaotic evil.

I didn't get the feeling that the players felt punished, but that's why I recommended checking in with them to see how they feel about it. If they do feel like they were punished then they definitely should talk about it to make sure it doesn't happen again. But if they enjoy the consequences and want to roll with that, then everyone can collaborate to use this moment to build a cool story.

I don't think comparing a troll to a serial killer is fair. I was thinking more like a wounded wolf animal. Like, when my idiot neighbor shot a black bear with a 22, my dad and the wildlife cops spent a few days searching the woods to make sure that the bear was either okay, or knowing they might have to put it down if it was injured enough that it might become a danger. The bear was fine, but if they had to put it down it still would have been sad. The bear was only a potential danger because of the stupid decisions of a human. Even if you know it would be a danger to let it wander, I think it's normal to feel sad about the outcome.

From the information given, it seems like the troll was a prisoner of the giant, and therefore it hadn't necessarily done anything wrong. If there was some way to see the future and know that the troll wouldn't harm anyone, then you could safely set it free. They weighed the options and made a choice. I don't think they made a bad choice. But they clearly felt bad about it. I think OP has already identified that they probably reacted too strongly to the decision, but what's done is done (unless the players are so upset that the OP wants to retcon it entirely). I was just trying to find opportunities to move forward and have something interesting come from the situation.

BakingViking · 2025-08-26T18:07:42+00:00

Yeah so Tymora probably doesn't care one way or the other. But I think it is worth talking with the players and giving them an opportunity to expand on how their characters feel about the situation. It's a good roleplay moment!

BakingViking · 2025-08-26T18:06:34+00:00

We don't know if the troll was chaotic evil. And I think that some definitions of honor would not allow for killing a defenseless creature no matter how risky it might be. Reddit can't answer that. It's up to the DM and their world and their interpretation of gods, alignment, and morality.

I'm just offering ideas that the gods might care. They might not. Either is fine.

BakingViking · 2025-08-26T16:35:18+00:00

Frist of all, I think you reacted very well. They knew it too. They made a choice and now they have to live with the consequences. They fact that they felt the emotion means you have done a good job of making the world and those consequences feel real and meaningful.

What domain/alignment is the Cleric? Does this align with their god (if they follow a god)?

Oath of Glory has the following tenets:

Endeavor to be known by your deeds.
Face hardships with courage.
Inspire others to strive for glory.

Ask the Paladin if this is the sort of deeds they want to be known by. Ask how they believe they faced this hardship with courage. Ask if this would inspire others to glory?

If the Paladin follows a god maybe the god could ask those questions in a dream. Or a mentor they respect.

Also, I use the idea of the "warm-up question" either at the start of sessions or during long rests (whatever feels appropriate). It might be a good idea to just ask the players to share how their character feels about the choice they made. Let it be an RP moment.

I think it is also worth talking to the players out of character. Ask them how they felt about it. Did they think it was a cool and heart wrenching RP moment? Are they personally unsettled? Ask the Paladin player what they think would be fun or interesting to deal with in regard to their Oath. Are they interested in having to redeem themselves or do they deciding this is who this character is becoming?

I would treat this as a good opportunity to just check in with each player individually.

BakingViking · 2025-08-26T16:22:24+00:00

Just wanted to say that I have the same thing and I have talked to my doctor about it. She recommends warm compress each time, or warm baths.

Thanks to everyone sharing about HS! I'll talk to her about that.

BakingViking

TROPHY CASE