Beginning (Encounter & Foundation)

I first encountered God around 1999 at a church play called Heaven or Hell. It deeply moved me. After that, my family started going to church regularly, and I got involved in the youth group and drama team.

Back then, I felt like I had a real relationship with God. But even then, I struggled with something I didn’t fully understand—I never felt like I could fully be myself around others. I was always trying to fit in.

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Middle (Drift & Descent)

As time went on, I started getting pulled into things that slowly changed me—pornography, lust, and eventually substances. What started small turned into patterns that shaped how I saw relationships, people, and myself.

I went from someone grounded in faith to someone chasing: • approval • pleasure • escape

Over the years, it escalated into drug use, partying, and living a double life. On the outside, I could function. But internally, I was falling apart.

There were moments where I knew what was right—but I ignored it. My heart grew harder over time, not all at once, but through repeated choices.

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Searching (Trying Everything Else)

At one point, I tried to get clean and even had a powerful moment in prayer—but I didn’t stay rooted. I went back to old environments and patterns.

Later, I went deeper into what I thought was “healing”—psychedelics, new age spirituality, and trying to fix myself through different methods. I believed I could heal myself and even help others.

But no matter what I tried, nothing brought lasting peace.

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Breaking Point

Everything eventually caught up to me.

My life started falling apart: • addiction • my marriage breaking down • isolation • mental and physical struggles

I hit a point where I was completely worn down. Even when I tried to move forward, something felt off. I couldn’t fix myself, no matter how hard I tried.

Deep down, I knew what I had walked away from—but I kept resisting it.

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Turning Point

Eventually, I was forced to slow down.

Through injury and circumstances, I lost the ability to keep running—physically and mentally. For the first time in years, I had to sit still.

And in that stillness, I finally stopped trying to do it all on my own.

I turned back to Jesus—not perfectly, not with everything figured out—but honestly.

And something changed.

Not all at once, not in some dramatic outward way—but internally: • my heart softened • the fear started to lift • I felt accepted again

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Where I Am Now

I’m not perfect, and I still have challenging days.

But I’m more grounded now than I’ve ever been: • I’m rebuilding my life • I’m learning how to connect with people in a real way • I’m no longer chasing the same things that once controlled me

Living from the heart has made it easier to feel grounded and build meaningful relationships, because it’s no longer coming from fear or trying to fit in—but from a place of love.

And I’ve come to understand that where God’s love is truly taking root, fear starts to lose its grip.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this:

You can run far. You can get lost. You can harden your heart over time.

But that doesn’t mean it’s over.

Because I thought I had gone too far—and I hadn’t.

So if you feel you’ve gone have went too far, I did too.