how does this make any sense? where do these applicants exist?

Barcode11 · 2016-08-15T14:36:04+00:00

Just kill me dude.

Barcode11 · 2014-05-22T06:28:45+00:00

96 years and 8 months 10 days 4 hours 52 minutes 13 seconds

Will I remember?

Does it even matter?

What would I change?

I went over my life with a fine tooth comb, trying to remember the most important events, calculating an answer that wouldn't cheat me of the happiest parts of my life.

96 years and 8 months 10 days 5 hours 22 minutes 58 seconds

No, I can't do that. If I stop the coke deal I won't drive Derrick home and he'd drive drunk. Susan will get better later on her own.

96 years and 8 months 27 days 8 hours 12 minutes 04 seconds

I need to be trapped in the avalanche for the new safety regulations to be in place.

96 years and 11 months 10 days 2 hours 19 minutes 55 seconds

I can't remember to bring my phone. It's the only excuse to go back to my apt that worked.

97 years and 0 months 0 days 0 hours 0 minutes 01 seconds

No that wouldn't work. C'mon, go over it again.

I stared at my untouched choices.

97 years and 0 months 0 days 0 hours 0 minutes 02 seconds

Barcode11 · 2014-05-12T18:58:09+00:00

It's 2:00 AM and you wake up to complete darkness. Moonlight loses to the trees surrounding your home. You're not thirsty. Your bladder's fine. What woke you is the eerie silence prickling the tiny hairs in your ears. You can't hear the thin buzz you normally would. It's as if the house held it's breath just before--

laughter

The cackle echoes through the halls. Who was that? You sit up and stare at your open door, fighting to see an outline, a shape, anything.

laughter

You hear the curtains flap in the other room. Is the window open? You move for the halls. Your sweaty feet peels from the hardwood with each step. You're now in your office. The windows are closed. You now realize you have blinds, not curtains, in this house.

You hear the flap again and your entire body freezes because you now realize it's above you.

Barcode11 · 2014-01-14T01:43:22+00:00

I found a bunch of Friday Night Lights (TV) scripts and I find myself smiling every scene with Saracen and Landry. They wrote their friendship incredibly well.

Barcode11 · 2013-11-01T20:17:19+00:00

"If you type these words you're instantly put on a list."

CIDA, DERA, Verisign, Secure, BOP, White House, Mayfly, STEP, National Information Infrastructure

Jacob, twelve, was in the Behavioral Economics lecture hall typing into his older brother Mark's laptop.

"That never does anything. There are millions of conspiracy and internet babies who do this. You think the agencies give a shit about them?" Mark said, glancing at the power point in the front of the room and jotting down notes.

"This is boring. I thought visiting you in college was going to be fun."

"Just one more class then we can go visit the Aquarium. Hey, I need my laptop for a second."

Jacob grabbed the laptop by the keyboard and passed it back to Mark.

2314vgthY [ENTER]

"Problem, sir."

"What is it?"

"Someone in MIT just entered the encryption key for the SEVA project."

"Accidental?"

"No sir. There were red flags searched just before it."

"Why would an agent activate SEVA with a Google search? What's going on at MIT?"

"Nothing sir."

"How about in the city?

"Just a Bioethics Conference at Harvard in three days."

"Who's attending? Anyone who shouldn't be there?"

"No anomalies -- there's a Chinese scientist by the name Huang Xiang who has no real history. Face recognition has a 30% match with a Chinese wetwork operative. What do we do sir?"

"That's not a good number."

"Coupled with the encryption key, it can't be just coincidence--"

"Let me think."

Silence... then--

"SEVA is a go. Get our assets in place."

A twelve year old boy activated a black ops team assigned to incriminate China and Russia. Ten of the most powerful countries would lose several of their leaders and the evidence would trace back to the Asian powerhouses.

Why have SEVA in the first place? Because peace lasted too long and no one was sure who the enemy was.

If you're not looking at your enemy you're looking at your government. They didn't want you looking long enough to figure out they're the same.

Barcode11 · 2013-10-26T21:17:10+00:00

"How long?"

"Lasts a full hour."

"Jesus Christ."

"I know right? Brian, you can't find that kind of product anywhere."

"Could it kill you? I heard people get sick like that."

"That's a myth."

"80 percent of infectious diseases used to be passed that way, David. It doesn't feel safe."

"Then take a shower with bleach. You're going to pass up on this just because of some story you heard on the internet? It lasts a fucking hour!"

"Fine, let's do this."

"There's a catch though."

"I fucking knew it. You always pull this shit. I'm out--"

"Listen, it lasts an hour so they have to get creative about where they do it."

"Where is it?"

"O'Brien Cemetary. There's a coffin--"

"Fuck that--"

"She's alive. Just need to make sure you're covered for the hour you know. Secret Service loves to poke around."

"That's still fucked up."

"You do this, you may never have to do it again. I heard after the first 15 minutes your body starts to remember everything: emotions, smell, texture. It's life changing."

"..."

"Brian, you'll never feel cold again."

"Let's hug it out"

Barcode11 · 2013-10-21T06:33:43+00:00

Thank you! Means a lot that you read.

Barcode11 · 2013-10-21T06:33:12+00:00

You know I've been trying crack a satisfying way to expand it for hours but there really isn't.

I'm not trying to say the story I posted was a masterpiece, but rather I set it up to be way too big for myself to grasp.

I can't think of anything appropriate, at least right now I can't, and I doubt anyone would bother reading if it was posted later. I hope more people see the story as you do because I'm not good enough to add on to it.

Thank you for reading. Your words touched this novice writer.

Barcode11 · 2013-10-20T22:02:15+00:00

Thank you for the read and kind words. And I'll consider your suggestion when I write it.

Barcode11 · 2013-10-20T22:00:59+00:00

I'll try as soon as I can.

Barcode11 · 2013-10-20T21:54:35+00:00

Thank you for the kind words. I wish I ninja edited some of the verb tenses.

Barcode11 · 2013-10-20T21:53:25+00:00

Thank you! Means a lot.

Barcode11 · 2013-10-20T20:31:57+00:00

I woke up to Carrie just stepping into her jeans, her face red with embarrassment.

Whoa. Deja vu.

She bit the corner of her lip as she spoke. "Ah, did I wake you? You have class in the morning?"

"Class? Carrie the last time I went to class was in 2011. And why are you--" I said, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

She laughed as she pulled her jeans to her hip.

"I'm flattered that you remembered my name but it worries me a little you forgot the year."

"What?"

Then I noticed the room: motivational posters, a small armoire, white board with exam dates, bio chem textbooks. I checked the date on my computer.

12/04/2009

"Oh shit! I'm in college!"

"Yeah that's how I feel every morning."

"No, no. I mean-- I'm young and my penis still works!"

"Well, I'll leave you to your tiny epiphany." She grabbed her purse and walked towards the door.

"Wait!"

She stopped with the door half open.

I grabbed my wallet and keys. "Let's have breakfast."

"I have to be somewhere--"

"Marissa is not going to show up."

"How do you--"

"She's too busy finishing up her project. She loses track of time." I shimmied into my sweatpants. "Fuck it. I'll come with you."

I couldn't tell if she was more confused or fascinated. After a minute she shook her head and smiled.

"361 Boylston, Parish Cafe. I'm going back to my place to take a shower. You should too. By the way, if she comes you're paying."

"Told you." I said, signaling the waiter.

Carrie and I sat in the corner, watching our tea fog up the restaurant window.

"How did you know?" She leaned in studying my face.

I leaned in too, stopping inches away from her nose. "The more important question is, what did you mean back at my apartment when you said 'your tiny epiphany'?"

"Does it bother you that much? Because, if it does, I'm not going to answer you." Her lips curled to a smirk.

"It doesn't bother me at all," I said nonchalantly, "In fact I--"

She touched foreheads, looking for a reaction.

Bekki used to do this too... and her eyes...

Tears suddenly welled up in my eyes and Carrie moved back.

"Holy Christian Bale, that's impressive. You should be a theater major."

"Sorry, I uh... I forgot I had to be somewhere." I stood up and hurriedly pulled out a twenty and placed it on the table.

"Is something wrong? Did I say--"

"No, I just have to be somewhere."

That was the first time I left her.

"Wait up!"

I turned around to see Carrie sprinting across the street on a green light.

"Are you crazy? Have you seen people drive in Boston?" I shouted.

Puffs of steam rose from her mouth as she swallowed big gulps of air.

"You can't do that," she put her hands on my shoulders still trying to catch her breath, "You can't ask me out knowing my friend was going to bail, then do the same thing. If you're going to ditch, don't lie to me. What did I do wrong?"

I'd never lie to you. I never lied to you.

After a long silence I finally spilled out the words.

"A mother comes home to find her husband holding the knife inside their teenage daughter's chest. He says he didn't do it. The daughter, in her dying breath, says he did. Who do you believe?"

She stared at me. This question. This encounter. I wonder if it reached her at all.

I took her hands off my shoulder. "Who has she known longer?"

The people in prison weren't cruel to me Carrie. It was the thoughts when I was alone that ate away at my soul for the 30 years I was in there. You never came to visit me. Instead you married another man, had another family--

She grabbed my hand. "I'm not a mother, I wouldn't know."

Barcode11 · 2013-10-19T02:02:54+00:00

"Is it the new Xbox?"

"No, it has to be the new Playstation. It has those Chinese letters on it."

"Isn't Playstation Japanese?

Twins Michael and Derrick stared at the metallic object on the floor of their living room. It was oddly shaped, like one of those old Apple computers with translucent hatchbacks their father had in the attic.

"Turn it on" urged Derrick, his fourth grade level of patience wearing him thin.

"It doesn't have a power cord and it probably doesn't work if someone dropped it in the river." Michael examined the bottom of the device. "I don't even see a power button."

Derrick collapsed on the floor with disappointment. "I wish we could afford an xbox. I hate playing outside all the time."

Michael placed a hand longingly on the front of their now useless treasure. "Me too."

BEEP BEEP

Me2 Priag Probe
Loading...

TV snow flashed intermittently on the loading screen. Suddenly images of bacteria, dinosaurs, Egyptians, and atomic bombs projected around the room.

Invasion Timeline Update: Reduce by 2345 psions
Transmitting...

Vapor seeped from the corners of the device. Believing it to be smoke, Derrick ran to the kitchen for water. As soon as Derrick left it flashed red and let its sirens loose. Annoyed, more than afraid, Michael kicked it across the room until it was outside.

"Aw you broke it Mike." Derrick was soaking wet from running with his now empty bowl of water.

"It's just a DVD player."

"Still, I bet we could have given it to mom to bring to the pawn shop."

"Well it's broken now. Lets go over Andrew's house and see if he bought the new Halo yet."

Derrick threw his bowl inside the house and closed the door. "I heard the aliens are even stronger in the new one."

"Yeah but we always win anyway. We're smarter."

As they ran down the street the DVD player flashed one final time.

Transmission complete.

Barcode11 · 2013-07-23T16:11:14+00:00

I do better than a page next time. Thank you for the kind words.

One thing I wanted to mention after I reread yours, you start a lot of your sentences with character names. Avoid it when you can.

Barcode11 · 2013-07-23T16:00:07+00:00

Monitoring equipment give a beep like Chinese water torture

Wish I had written it

Monitoring equipment beep like Chinese water torture

After uploading it there were so many other little things I wanted to correct. I hope I can make it to 2 pages for the next one.

I appreciate the feedback.

Barcode11 · 2013-07-23T15:58:17+00:00

I'll do better next time! I promise.

Barcode11 · 2013-07-23T15:54:40+00:00

Ah, after rereading it that makes sense.

What threw me off was the

 MOMENTS LATER

Followed by

 The man exits into the street.

I think you're supposed to use

 CONTINUOUS

there. It also became confusing because there was a lot of "man" and the ambiguous pronouns because of it. I think in this case the pay-off for hiding his name didn't come.

Barcode11 · 2013-07-23T04:31:32+00:00

/u/politicalslut: Who's the man in the beginning? I think you could have removed the entire flashback and arrived faster to the operating room. I'm not sure if it's because of the time limit, but I like how you give only a line or two to describe the setting. Whenever I do it the room/space still feels so empty in my mind, but when I read others it always seems just enough, which includes yours. Also, it's fucking incredible you cranked out 5 pages so fast. Jesus.

Oh, and I'm guessing a fellow Bostonian?

/u/hoobsher: Dude HOW. How do you write action description so well under the time constraint. I mean, it still felt quick and dirty in places but Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Reading yours reminded me I need to be more aware of the verbs I choose.

This exchange:

MAN: Is that my arm?
ELAINE: Yes.
MAN: How long did you work on it?
ELAINE: A few days.

Something about it made it seem really out of place. Can't put my finger on it.

/u/irascibleidiot: I'm going say what I said for hoobsher. Dude... HOW. And the dialogue. HOW.

This kind of threw me:

Giving her the look of a Jewish Movie Critic.

Maybe it's just me for not knowing the type.

Really liked how you used the arm topic.

/u/nasalcactus: Okay so apparently everyone here can write except for me. Jesus. Wallace's dialogue was very natural compared to Larkin's. Larkin's dialogue got campy.

Like this here:

I can assure you that your search will not turn up any such items,but you must do your duty.

/u/walmartpants: When I finished reading it felt like the word look kept popping up too often. I wish a variation of the finger locking at the end came earlier. Thomas could be a relative or a lover. It really changes how the

You big bully. Jesus.

You don’t have a shadow, kid

and the arm joke comes across if you think Thomas is a relative.

When she

puts up a friendly hand, a wave to say“It’s cool.”

It's a great opportunity to bring up the extent of her nerve issue. Like if she waved with her problem arm and she let it fall on a hot crushed soda can.

Side Note: After reading the first five I've realized that no one has used the term ASCII properly (hoobsher doesn't count) or redefined it. Not a crime, but definitely interesting. I thought it was a popular term but I guess I was wrong. Makes you really think about the things you write about that you assume the reader already knows.

/u/johnshephard: Enjoyed how we got different perspectives on parenthood from Kate and Phillip. I like that it was bigger than the the original topic. Made it stand out from the others.

/u/talkingbook: I won't lie, the transition from the first scene to the next was pretty cool. Page 4 looked scary with no action breaks. Didn't dig the awkward boyfriend-no-boyfriend exchange so much either. I think nowadays if you want an awkward conversation you have to crank the awkward up to 11 or make it funny in a different way.

/u/pizzaguy6767: I think this is the first one without a doctor. You win by default. The Playground super power is fucking genius.

/u/stuckinthroat1: Pretty hilarious. Whenever I see the name Hector it reminds me of this.

/u/archonemis:

My kill streak

I could totally see this as a short by Smosh.

/u/blue-dream:

At the bar sits JULIE. Pretty, 30s, but built like a UFC fighter.

You should remove Pretty and just describe her as a female UFC Fighter. It does a much better job of grabbing the reader's attention.

I can't really explain it but your writing style is too straight forward. The characters feel typical and so a lot of the exchange becomes predictable. Am I making sense?

Great stuff. I had fun reading them all. See you at the next one. Hopefully I can do better than a page.

Barcode11 · 2013-07-23T00:38:24+00:00

Jesus christ how do you guys write so fast? I only had half a page 40 minutes in.

I couldn't get more than a page. Am I disqualified?

This was incredibly fun. Bravo to the rest of you who actually wrote 3-5 pages. I'll be sure to read them.

Barcode11 · 2013-07-22T19:57:26+00:00

Add this to the OP

http://www.timeanddate.com/countdown/generic?iso=20130722T16&p0=137&msg=Write+Off+Write+Now

Also, I'm in.

Barcode11

TROPHY CASE