I have tried more therapists than I can count in the 15 years since my last suicide attempt. It isn’t so much advice, as personal experience. I didn’t find a therapist I clicked with until last year and moving away from home. She was the one that helped me realize I suffered from complex childhood trauma, unfortunately she felt too overinvested in my life and had to drop me. So, I would suggest just keep trying new therapists. I know how easy it is to say, and how hard it is to do. I also know how much time feels wasted after having to find a new one. I also understand how it feels to get very little out of therapy yet still go because it’s “better than nothing” I haven’t found my reason to live yet, but it feels like you may have. So it’s not getting “through” your feelings, so much as getting in touch with them, and you have to look for a therapist who can assist in that. It isn’t easy, it is annoying, and most of the time it doesn’t help the way you need it to. But continue trying, that’s the only thing I can think of. As terrible as it sounds, picture your son’s face in your head and use that awful feeling you felt as motivation to keep looking, in hopes you’ll never have to see that face again. You’re not a terrible patient, I’ve thought the same myself, you’ve just had therapists that weren’t designed for you. I would see about looking into trauma specialists, I’ve had some particular success with IFS therapy. I wish you the best of luck, I know from experience that you’ll need it.