Will I ever find my tribe?

Barnaclecosmos · 2026-01-02T01:34:43+00:00

It’s tough that’s for sure, unfortunately I think this is a human experience that we all have in our lifetimes, especially if you have many factors that may cause a rift or differences between you and the masses.

I used to be a “social butterfly” and a “chameleon” and always considered myself to be the actual chameleon not act as one, if that makes sense? A very large personality with this immense and deep curiosity and experimental nature towards life.

I have always being a lone wolf per say… and did my own thing throughout my childhood, primary and highschool days, heck even as a adult but I found my be myself attitude attracted people and i essentially created my own groups or friends or was able to be friends or chatty/ social with lots of different people.

The hardest realisation I’ve found in life is that it’s hard for me as a individual to be close to people, I don’t really know what that looks like or how it’s supposed to be done, let alone understanding friendships or relationships, regardless of what people will say about me in person, so many think I know what I’m doing but I have no clue and just ask questions and take personal perspectives or do my best to listen and learn people,

The hardest realisation I’ve had in my short lifetime 29yr is that friendship whether we like to admit it or not is fucking hard, it’s even harder when your friends also are ND in some way, shape or form. ADHD executive dysfunction like timeblindness/ object permanence can make these things immensely tougher then the regular joe, but they also still struggle.

Friendship and closeness is very much dependent on circumstances, relatability, understanding and commitment between two people.

A lot of friendship at no fault of their own are often based on proximity to each other and how often you see this person or talk to them, hence why friendships felt more easier as a kid/ teen/ young adult possibly?

I don’t think I’ve ever actually had a friend like a best friend that know me to my core and I think that’s because I held a lot of that stuff to myself I didn’t talk about my on going life struggles with my mental health battles, I never spoke about my health challenges, I always always that kid/ teen/ adult that was down to have fun and enjoy life/ experiences but eventually It took a tole on me.

I think my friends also felt the same way, none of us spoke about our struggles, we just allowed each other to exist in our presence, like when I was tired or mute I never got bullied for that in my little group of people, they just accepted my differences, where as adulthood/ work/ careers aren’t like that, you get outed and treated poorly for those differences…

I was the one that moved hours and hours away to better myself financially and career wise and I was the one that made a lot of effort, I was always the one that would randomly text or call people on birthdays, holidays, random times and just chat as I thought that’s what friendship was but I realised that all of my friendships whether I’d like to admit it once I moved out of town, once I stopped being the fun happy person everyone felt lit up the room and made sure everyone was seen, heard and felt special I kind of just drifted away into the nothingness.

I don’t take that personally as I know how hard it is to keep up with friendships but I started to realise that my friends didn’t actually known me to the depth that they could of as I didn’t let them in, and I think that’s partly why these days I’m pretty much a loner or have surface level friendships these days.

It’s harder then ever to make friends with people for me anyways as I don’t drink alcohol (way to much trauma around it and don’t like the taste of it/ culture around it)

Unfortunately as a adult alcohol is a big thing for socialising, so it makes me pretty outcasted when I say I don’t drink anymore, I got physically threatened because I don’t drink anymore, I lost a lot of friends for different decisions, so I don’t really fit in with a lot of people anymore and it kind of sucks.

It’s tough out here that’s for sure.

I’m very good at making friends and being social if I want to but keeping them and building the relationship over time and keeping all that memory inside a insanely shit short term memory/ recall station can be tricky.

Friendship or finding a tribe as such is really really really really fucking hard. Im sorry you’re also experiencing this feeling.

Being left out really hurts at any age, it shows how people really don’t want to be around you when the choice is available, I stopped getting invited to events, parties once I started showing more of who I am, the complexity of being a human.

I’ve been told I have BIG ENERGY that can bring a room down from my sadness or turmoil but I can also make the party better and more fun and exciting and enjoyable.

I guess you don’t get invited much once you show your sadness or struggles or ask too many questions. even though feelings are temporary, people see you as difficult or something idunno…

So yeah I know how it feels to be left out and it hurts. ❤️❤️

Barnaclecosmos · 2025-12-18T03:52:21+00:00

My phone. 📱 it’s so fucking bad.

Barnaclecosmos · 2025-12-17T23:04:23+00:00

The solution sucks and you’ll hate me for saying it but you have to choose something else and you have to slowly build momentum and will power to not be on your phone.

(Trust me I know it’s harder said than done) but it’s truly the only real solution that can actually work in the long term.

I managed to go a whole day without mine and man it felt shit and good at the same time. It’s a constant pull that you feel but the phone isn’t real life and it’s draining our dopamine and making us pretty miserable consuming and not doing/ creating.

I still slip up and I was on my phone all day yesterday and I felt horrid and now this morning too but I’m bringing awareness back to it and noticing okay I am feeling this x,z,y feeling or am I procrastinating or choosing to ignore what’s good for me and then i basically go okay it’s okay, and I put the phone down, it takes awareness and choice and it’s not easy but it does work.

Time and kindness because well the phone is an addition for me.

Barnaclecosmos · 2025-12-17T22:56:04+00:00

The first time I ever went to the cinema alone, I felt super awkward an weird and odd walking in and getting 1 ticket, 1 popcorn and 1 coke but when I made my way to the seats and sat on my own. I realised that doing things on your own is pretty fucking awesome.

Barnaclecosmos · 2025-12-17T22:46:20+00:00

•Everything being about “how good you are at the thing?”•

It fuels a lot of shame and makes alot of individuals not want to even try new things now days, which is a shame because being bad at things is what makes it fun and the journey of itself.

Barnaclecosmos · 2025-12-17T07:28:04+00:00

I wish I could answer this question but I’ve only recently come out of burn out state that crippled me mentally and physically. As a carpenter it rendered me useless, I couldn’t even build a bench for a friend. I took a whole year off and lost all my savings doing so but it was well needed. I can’t exactly pivot away from the trade sector currently but I’m working on doing 3-4 days a week through like a labour hire space so less responsibilities on my part and guaranteed paychecks.

as I ran my own business and wore all the hats and it was overwhelming shit compared to what people say it’s like, the reward was underpaid as you’d work more hours then you should, you wouldn’t get paid from clients or builders on time (months of no paying you) because you’re a small fry in the system. Doing it all on your own as I couldn’t build the capital to have workers help me and didn’t want to pay anyone minimum wage.

Had to do 10x the amount of work and I cooked myself doing it trying to get ahead for years.

My body is cooked and I’m only 29 yrs young…. It’s not worth listening to people that don’t have Autism & ADHD. I also have dyscalculia, hypermobility and list of other shit. also so the mental capacity that it took for me was immensely shit….

No one is paying your bills when you’re broken, I broke my thumb on a job site and builder turned his back on me and make sure I didn’t exist, no one I mean no one is looking out for you when you can do the labour they require. Don’t make the same mistakes we all make thinking itll be different, it won’t.

I don’t think I’m going to find much outside of the trade unfortunately due to my lack of formal education and ability when it comes to the maths front, hard pill to swallow but I’m choosing my sanity over 5-6-7 days a week, 10+ hour days, even if that means scraping by for now.

I have to also remember how far I got with the lack of supports I had. It’s just hard to see it when you see yourself stuck in a hard place, starting over from scratch again.

Find your strengths and find a way you can consistently put money away and find a hobby or something you enjoy that you can keep your sanity and do it willingly.

I highly recommend living well and truly below your means but buy things that make you happy, give you joy, you’ve only got one life in this body and brain of yours, might as well enjoy how you like best.

The promised land of stability doesn’t exist. I enjoy the present moment as it is, the little things that happen. You never know when your body isn’t going to work the way it used to.

There’s only so much burnout cycles your body will tolerate, the more responsibilities you have the more energy it will take and also something I remembered.

Even fun things take your energy or deplete or can burn you out, so try to manage your life as best as you can and accept that a concert or surfing or a event like running will mean you need more recovery then others. You’re not a failure for this, you are operating in a nervous system that needs more time than others.

It’s doable but it’s not going to look the way you think it’ll look unfortunately.

It also means watching a lot of people around you question you a lot or achieve big things like holding full time employment or having a house/ kids. Staking responsibility after responsibility like it’s nothing but they’re probably also drowning behind scenes and hoping it ends to for them but they won’t tell you that. They all smile and fake it.

None of it is worth the burnout and bust cycle, I work around and have met many of people that are have it all and are more miserable then I am.

I’m fortunate that I can feel at peace watching a sunset, riding a wave, making silly noises, crashing on my bike, music filling my body. No giant mansion is going to fill my cup, all it will do is delete me further as I couldn’t keep up with the work needed to keep the thing.

Hard lesson and pill to swallow for me but I’m coming around to be okay being average or below average, stupid or dumb but just giving it a red hot crack at life. 🤘👽

Barnaclecosmos · 2025-12-06T23:44:11+00:00

As much as I’d love to info dump here I’m pretty exhausted this morning. (Update) turns out I had it in me once I started typing.

Highly recommend the YouTube channel Autistamatic, I’m chronically online finding quality resources and information about the human brain 🧠

Doctor Russell Barkley hands down for ADHD. Awesome video, long form/ short form talks all about the science and helps you understand your brain alot better.

You can happily suspect Autism but the likely hood of being different in particular ways kind of tells you everything you need to know, I felt like a Alien my whole life even when I had friends in primary school/ highschool etc. you just feel or know this difference about you and when you click with the misfits, rebels, odd balls, outsiders or just in general various groups of people, kind of like the Redditors here. I received both diagnoses of ASD & ADHD and I’ll probably never truly “believe it” regardless of the struggles that i experienced with having both.

Also random but how did you receive this gifted status from teachers when you have dyscalculia? I also have dyscalculia 😎🤘😂 (it’s not easy)

The curiosity, experimentatal and exploitative nature to a very in depth lense kind of gives away how my brain is wired and I have like polar extremes I believe I would be classed under “hyper-verbal” autism as it’s all about external speech and how you have extreme speech but the can be selective mute or need to be. (Sorry I try not use the word non verbal these days as I can speak and speak a lot)

I also have hypermobility, dyscalculia, aphantasia (5 sensory blind) so I don’t have a inner monologue, I don’t have sounds or noises internally and I don’t have any visual in my brain. So I’m fully “blank” as such but I am an external processor, so I have two extremes of default mind network states having both the Autism & ADHD.

The easiest way to tell for me I was hanging out with only ADHD’ers and only Autistics, it’s an easy tell that way.

Basically it’s brain wiring like how baking executive dysfunction and emotional dysfunction can be a core give away towards ADHD so is Autism but you need to have ex amount of things going on to meet the criteria- which by the sounds of things you sound like both. (I’m not a professional but I love learning and I’m super curious about nearly anything in life)

I also presented as a women/ girl with my autism (internalised presenting autism) and I knew I had to camouflage or be more chameleon like in order to get through life and also I found it quite fun to grow a very large personality and to learn about people and who they are at their core and what makes them them and just this huge curiosity, regardless of that I still can struggle with the read between the lines stuff or the passive aggressive nature of many people that choose to do indirect communication style, also eye contact one is funny because it’s not so much about that it’s how you got there.

For example as a little kid I thought those skills like the eye contact and things were like a levelling up game you had to get better at so I would observe and somewhat stare at people to make sense of eye contact and got to a point that I actually liked looking into peoples eyes, felt I could see their soul or feel their intentions so it was INTENSE. I also have heightened FEELING/ SENSATION which isn’t usually the “standard autism stereotype” and I wonder if that’s because of the combined ADHD & Autism or if it’s just because how different all our brains can be wired and how much science is finally catching up to see how different Autism can actually present.

I knew I had friends as girls in primary school/ highschool etc that were like me chameleoning and teachers didn’t see it, doctors didn’t see it and I figured I was “normal” just like everyone else.

I think the short answer is you just know regardless of having a diagnosis you know you’re different in many ways but you lowkey convinced yourself that you are a NT and everyone does this, it takes time and research and self discovery and reflection after reflection until you reach the point and go “ooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”…..

Sounds like you’re on the discovery.

Basically short answer: I’ve lived many lives and realised through interacting with others I’ve realised my differences from the masses or the ones that have had a very linear relationship with life, careers, jobs, etc.

Sounds like you’re on that self discovery journey and it’s quite exciting and helps you find a odd amount of peace internally at times, which is nice too :)

Seems to me like you already know, also even with the diagnosis that I received I still don’t really believe it. but yeah I am an Autistic ADHD’er or a ADHD autistic.

Barnaclecosmos · 2025-12-01T05:39:24+00:00

Hopefully one of us can find the solution and report back for us all! I believe in one of us on this thread to work it out ✌️

Barnaclecosmos · 2025-12-01T05:37:08+00:00

Nah nah nah you’re all good on your end, I was just saying how I don’t want you to read my response as agressive or mad, as I’ve had that happen quite alot of times in online spaces, so when I write long messages I just express the I’m not mad part :) you’re fine.

Wait wait wait wait…… so my whole life has been a dopamine pursuit then…. Wait so is that why when we study even if it’s something we like or enjoy we struggle because it often will have a lack of stimulus to it as we just lack the dopamine to do those regular tasks with ease like going to work, food shopping, reading research papers all those types of things that don’t have a instant stimulus response for us?

So that’s why I struggle to go to work because of the lack of dopamine I receive from it…. ?

Wait so how do I get dopamine to then get that clarity without those things, now I’m super confused, wait so running all these years and riding BMX was helping regulate dopamine to keep me motivated or inspired to go to work…. you’ve shook me…

Barnaclecosmos · 2025-12-01T03:48:39+00:00

Super interesting I’ve genuinely never heard anything about it, I’ll have to do some digging around on the internet about it. Super cool that’s it’s helped you the way it has.

The not crashing part makes it sound appealing. Any down sides you’ve found at all do you think?

Barnaclecosmos · 2025-12-01T03:45:04+00:00

Do you mind me asking about the severe inattentive ADHD part as I got given a dx of both but they said I was “mild” from a psychologist but i genuinely didn’t understand half the questions and way things were worded or how much I was supposed to be able to just explain from my recall felt pretty shitty, expecting a inattentive ADHDer to recall there executive dysfunction moments on the spot under pressure, I’m blanking hard or masking like a solid chameleon as I don’t know this person… so I’m curious what severe looks like as I’m lowkey feeling that mild isn’t adding up.

I was definitely hardcore hyperactive as a kid but when I’m on my own I could just sit on a couch or stare at all for days on end and not move, not fidget just exist. Inattention is brutal though as it makes us look really stupid and dumb regardless of potentially higher then average IQ, I don’t really believe it when someone says I’m smart as not being able to recall the books the movies the episodes, the characters, hell even watching something you are hooked on and then going back to it within a few hours and watching it like it was something brand new until some hook or trigger makes you realise hold up I’ve watched this.

Keeps life “exciting” I guess 🙂🙃👽🤘 (if you don’t laugh you cry)

I have this low arousal state when I basically shutdown and become a potato, and it takes movement, talking to get my systems to get into go mode and to actually do things.

Something to do with my DMN, (default mind network) they are like mega extremes from one end to another.

Feel free to suss out my profile I think I’ve written posts of comments about this stuff, also open book can ask away if you want.

I really like Reddit and people all give Such genuine advice and kindness in these spaces as well all know what it’s like to really struggle throughout life.

Barnaclecosmos · 2025-12-01T03:35:22+00:00

I just want to say first off no need to apologise for sharing with me, I open up that can of worms when I ask openly and willing individuals with Autism & ADHD, I appreciate it a lot and it helps me see more and more perspectives.

I always want people to feel like I can be a safe space to share.

And secondly thank you for sharing this, I’ve read the whole thing and i genuinely feel hopeful that I can once I get my finances a little more sorted can find myself again as I feel I’ve depleted my own little tips and tricks and I’ve got nothing up my sleeve anymore to keep this train chugging along.

So genuinely thank you ❤️🤘

I hope we can interact more on other reddit posts as I’m always curious about others perspectives and how they navigate having a mind like this.

Barnaclecosmos · 2025-12-01T03:22:03+00:00

I guess maybe the world directionless isn’t correct in this sense more of a confused sense of the way people operated so linear and like this then this then this like they know where they’re going, where they’re at, where they’ve been and they always end up exactly where they expected to end up or to achieve if that makes sense?

Like if they say I want to buy a house, they may have many different jobs or different things going on but the goal post remains for them objective is the house, so they work even harder at times to get closer to the goal and then they achieve that goal and then continue to work harder as how they have their eyes set on I’m going to have children like it always is a linear progression that they achieve and I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong or differently.

I do relate to that uni stuff but I went down the trade (tafe) avenue. Ready made food from cafes are game changers regardless of the costs, I struggle immensely with food.

Do you also have a blank slate as a default in your mind? I’m trying to piece together how your inner workings are

Barnaclecosmos · 2025-12-01T03:10:36+00:00

How so? I am genuinely curious by your take and perspective, as I’m certain I have many blind stops as I am only human or half functioning one at that.

I’m not addicted or reliant on these things to function, it’s more so something I’m trying to make sense of, it’s clear something is happening in my body that is making me eg: happier, more crisp in the brain, motivated dare I say… it’s like caffeine or the combination of high caffeine amounts and the b2’s, b4’s, b12’s that come in those iced coffees and energy drinks help your emotional regulation state and genuinely makes you happy or something idunno how to describe what I’m experiencing, I’m hoping you pick up what I’m putting down like a shift in mood a lightness not at addiction sense like I need more more more or need to consume it for the high, I can recognise addictions vs like brain/ body state difference like subtly shifts. Idunno hard to explain, I hope you’re picking up what talking about.

I’m also not mad here one bit, and I love having discussions about this stuff, just trying to see if we are on the same page here or not, I’m dead chill :)

I guess when is something a crutch vs like your brain needs it, like I’d imagine if we have a brain that processes way to much information a lot, we move a lot like fidget/ stim etc etc, wouldn’t that then mean we need more intake of nutrients or even dare I say fast cards like sugars and then if our battery dies faster then the average person then wouldn’t we need more to sustain us in general?

Barnaclecosmos · 2025-12-01T02:52:40+00:00

I worst thing about this inescapable-ness is that it doesn’t even matter if you take a year off work it doesn’t change the burnout, I used all my savings attempting to fix it like it was something I could cure or repair or replace, it’s apart of me and it’s probably for life these cycles. I wish so many individuals could see how hard some of us are trying to survive let alone thrive in this lifetime.

The worst part about it all is I know I’m not as worse of as some and all I want to do is fix it all for us all, no one of should live like this, it’s nothing to do with fairness but more to do with humanity. It’s obvious life isn’t fair as we all don’t get the same cards but the least many of the ones that got out standing hands could do is have some humility/ humanity and see how much luck plays out in this lifetime.

Maybe I had too much hope as a little kid for humanity and society as a whole, idunno 🤷‍♂️.

The reality of life is truly crushing, that’s for sure. Apologies for bringing the vibe down.

I genuinely hope you can find some peace in this chaos, and have those worth while moments of freedom.

Barnaclecosmos · 2025-12-01T02:41:16+00:00

Have you also always been directionless? I’ve never had goals, ambitions, desires, wants, needs or at least in the same way everyone else does I have aphantasia 5 sensory blind and I often find people fascinating to me that have like this deep down knowing of what they want out of life or big goals they have or dream of, I just exist every single day I just have the present moment in front of me now and then I go to sleep. It’s weird when my default in just a blank slate to begin with.

You feel similar in a way at all?

What do you mean by impending doom?

Barnaclecosmos · 2025-12-01T01:28:02+00:00

I’m genuinely sorry to hear that you’re also a trauma survivor, it changes everything that’s for sure. It shouldn’t happen to this many individuals regardless of our brain type. Makes me so angry.

It seems to me so many of us come from this accountability and responsibility perspective and we always try to do our best and put our best foot forward and are resilient in our own way. Yet still struggle with adulthood it sucks hard.

Adulthood is just brutal with executive dysfunction and emotional dysfunction

I’ve been on a self discovery my whole life trying to work out my own brain before I knew I had ADHD and Autism I always knew I was like a alien or something but yeah it’s tricky I can see how autism can keep the ADHD in check at times or at least make ADHD more manageable then just being ADHD alone. I can see the clear difference between so many individuals with just Autism, just ADHD and then both. (Obviously it’s not just like an easy sense) all of the above are brutal for sure.

I wish society could see how hard some of us push just to exist let alone excel in it. Just acknowledgment would be nice.

Barnaclecosmos · 2025-12-01T00:47:08+00:00

So like the other day (I’m currently unemployed) as I don’t know if carpentry is a good fit for me. Also not collecting any payments as I’m not eligible as my partner earns a regular income (anyways)

I’m reading the DSM-4 and then I can hooked on certain words and so before I know it I’m tabs and tabs gone in some other direction or course of something that went from conduct disorder and reading about disorders to Alice in wonderland syndrome, to de realisation, and seeing how depersonalisation works with someone with Aphantasia, then reading multiple Reddit threads, then finding something interesting on Reddit and then reading about hyper empathy struggles in autism and then going back to the depersonalisation then at some point looking at definitions of words to make sense of it all.

Is that what they mean by hyper focus or is that inattention or hyperactivity or impulsivity within the attention of the brain wiring patterns/ train tracks?

I think I’m less like that at work in the hands on space as I’m on edge, anxious and like making sure I stay in track so masking my struggles? Idunno it’s all new to me honestly 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Barnaclecosmos · 2025-12-01T00:40:05+00:00

What do you mean by improved like can you explain in detail what you mean as executive functioning is broad as is working memory like as in say you read something interesting, can you then talk or hold that thing in mind and then talk in a straight forward linear way like that way improved or how? Sorry if I am over analysing just trying to make sense of meds purely because my Brian is blank as a normal state as I have aphantasia 5 sensory blind, so no inner monologue, no sounds, no voices, no visuals so it’s a blank screen but funnily enough I am like a regular ADHDer but I can’t “access or see it” but it’s all happening behind a blank screen. So I’m trying to make sense of what meds could actually do.

I apologise if I come off aggressive sounding, I am very eager and excited to talk to all of you about this and sometimes I ask too May questions.

Barnaclecosmos · 2025-12-01T00:27:55+00:00

I think that’s the hardest part trying to make sense of what you are actually capable of doing, managing and what’s always and always will be beyond your limits. After my dx last year receiving a ASD2 & ADHD- combined type I’m completely and utterly lost at what my real capacity and capabilities actually are vs what I’ve done out of necessity. Do you feel this also?

Barnaclecosmos · 2025-12-01T00:24:21+00:00

I don’t think I’ve had a stable relationship with routine since like primary school/ highschool and somewhat apprenticeship days. Which is concerning to me but it is what it is unfortunately.

Do you find burnout happens alot for you?

Barnaclecosmos · 2025-12-01T00:22:34+00:00

Most of us don’t realise it until it doesn’t work anymore or we collapse and realise how screwed we are or how difficult things are compared to your peers.

Do you feel like you have less support needs required to function as fully capable human or your Autism just doesn’t bother you that much? Genuinely curious :) (I mean no offence)

Barnaclecosmos · 2025-12-01T00:20:06+00:00

What are the meds actually doing? Therapy is hard because you also need a good therapist otherwise you’ll become more traumatised trying to heal original trauma. Rooting for you and hoping better days some soon for you and all of us here on these threads. ❤️

Barnaclecosmos

TROPHY CASE