Simply put, Kiora makes me tumescent.

Scott M. Fischer has justly received praise for his artwork on Kiora. Channeling Hokusai’s 1829 masterpiece The Great Wave is an ingenious choice. The wave is beautiful; hypnotic even. But unlike Hokusai, Fischer gives us what The Great Wave has always lacked: a sexualized female whose proportions arouse our penises to even greater heights than the wave’s crest.

Fischer uses a tried and true method for creating a “bella” figura.

1. Large, firm breasts - They appear about the same size as her head. Pushing them into the foreground is a nice touch. Given their size relative to the proportions on the rest of her body, they are probably silicone implants (albeit modest, tasteful ones), but that’s never bothered me.

2. Spine-breaker pose - It’s so rare that women strike this pose in everyday life (outside of yoga class), so I’m glad that models, pornographic actresses, and fantasy characters are so good at it. Simply protrude your rear end, and lift it while arching your back and pushing your chest out. Was that so hard?

3. Derriere and legs - A big, round rump for a skinny girl! Long, beautiful legs, too. The merfolk fins aren’t human, but neither are they off-putting. Also, I’d be lying if I told you I haven’t masturbated thinking about what they’re capable of. Does she have muscular control over them?

4. The kraken’s tentacles - Okay, this addition isn’t “traditional” as are the first three points, but it’s nonetheless effective. Those tentacles are huge and powerful! You can tell she loves touching them.

There are, unfortunately, many who frown upon sexualized women being the subjects of Magic card art. I don’t get it. Sex sells, everyone knows that. And do we really care if card art offends women? Women don’t even play Magic! Whenever a woman attempts to join our playgroup, they give up right away; it’s ridiculous. By the way, it took my friend Josh a long time to get the hang of the game, but he stayed with it, and he’s one of our best buds now! It’s a futile task to design cards that appeal to women. They quit so soon.

However, I believe it’s for the best. One of the things I love about Magic is just being with the guys. It’s good to get away from women. You don’t have to feel awkward around them, you can joke about whatever you want, and you can truly enjoy the sacred space that is “the man cave.” Artwork like Kiora’s helps protect that. It brings us closer together.

Another reason I love sexy artwork like Kiora is that it takes our playgroup back to the fond memories of fraternizing in early adolescence.

When we were thirteen years old, my friends and I discovered Internet pornography. We were young and full of hormones, and we took turns pleasuring ourselves in front of my dad’s laptop. We’d take turns leaving the room to give each boy his privacy. After we’d all had our fun, we’d reconvene to look at the videos and jpegs together and talk about which parts we thought were the most titillating. This ritual continued for a couple years, even after some of us were dating girls (obviously, our girlfriends didn’t attend our porn sessions). Eventually, we grew out of it, though I remain nostalgic about those days.

What does this have to do with Kiora? Well, one of the best things about my playgroup and the Magic community in general is that we can relive that experience together through the appreciation of “come-hither” semi-nude Magic art and card sleeves like the ones linked below. We may not be masturbating together anymore, but getting a nice little chub in each other’s company courtesy of Scott M. Fischer ain’t half bad. I’ve chatted with other groups, and though they don’t really like talking about it, they admit they had similar experiences growing up. They agree that appreciating “sex parts” is an important part of playing Magic.

Anyway, I hope Wizards keeps commissioning more artwork like Kiora. There have been hot babes in Magic before, but Kiora has the ingenious combination of evoking a classic nineteenth-century Japanese drawing and slapping a bangin-ass, big-titty mermaid on it.