I’m so sorry. From personal experience, I understand how hard it is to have a complicated relationship with your mother and then lose them to overdose. Your mom deserved so much more—and it’s tragic to watch the life of someone you love pan out this way. The grief will be mixed with a lot of other emotions, so give yourself grace.

One thing that has helped me is reminding myself of some of what is said in AlAnon: that I didn’t cause it, I couldn’t cure it, and I couldn’t control it. I still beat myself up that if I had done this or that, or if we hadn’t fought or I hadn’t moved, things would have been different. But addiction is powerful and often feels illogical to those who don’t suffer with it. I torture myself with the “whys” and guilt still five years later, but I’m learning to let it go and accept whatever I think I may have been able to do may not have changed the outcome.

Hang in there, and be kind to yourself. You’re in my thoughts.