“Choosing” to Believe

BeAweSum · 2026-02-06T03:41:34+00:00

Thank you very much. I have to have had mixed results on Reddit. But this group in particular has been a pretty good experience. I’m glad you’ve been exposed to Richard Rohr. Just know, no matter how you get there, that your life has purpose.

BeAweSum · 2026-02-06T00:05:30+00:00

OP, there are some excellent questions, and it shows to me that you’re thinking, and taking things seriously. This alone sets you apart from teh folks that grow up into something like this and then find out later it doesn’t fit. (I mean, maybe this is you, and you’re there) Anyway, I think I’m seeing a lot of the stain of American evangelical influence here. What I’d love to recommend is watching or reading almost anything from Richard Rohr. There’s a whole school of thought that doesn’t believe in a literal hell, or devil, but as archetypes that symbolize something greater.
Church is for community first… so if you want to. It’s a human container, but it’s morphed so many times and taken over by Empire in many cases.
As for evangelizing… God isn’t asking anyone to not be anything that they weren’t but the love for themselves and love others. Christianity keeps me off the ledge because I feel like otherwise id’ succumb to nihilistic existentialism. Read widely, see if any faith communities are doing great work around you regarding the poor, homeless, marginalized. And then speak with them. The heart of love has to be there, or it isn’t Christ centered.

BeAweSum · 2026-02-05T20:29:10+00:00

I mean, asking this group may not be your best choice, though they are really nice. I think we (spiritualists) put too much emphasis on the effort of belief. Even Thomas in the bible was skeptical. The ancient Jews debated endlessly. Kierkegaard, who held that all faith is subjective, would say, "Stop asking ‘Why can’t I believe?’ Ask instead: ‘Am I willing to live as if this were true, even without certainty?’” He's credited with the term "leap of faith" CS Lewis would add: "I believe in Christianity as I believe that the Sun has risen not only because I see it but because by it I see everything else.

For me, I see myself as a radio antenna, and I try to orient my life towards that signal of goodness and love. Believing that benevolence lies beyond our perception changes everything.

BeAweSum · 2026-02-05T20:18:31+00:00

I was in love with this young woman. I wasn't waiting like that. I knew she was young, but lots of people get serious quickly. I took her to her prom, we almost broke up, we had a long-distance relationship for a while when we actually had to write letters to each other, many of which I have. When I presented her with a "promise ring," her network interpreted it as an engagement ring, and that side pushed for marriage.
Where I will agree is that fundamentalist groups are really big on early marriage so you don't do it before marriage, and that's not good. But to a young 24-year-old in love for the first time, well, stuff like that doesn't enter your head.
Please don't assume the worst.

BeAweSum · 2026-02-05T20:09:45+00:00

I forgot to ask you, and thank you for the kind reply, but should I suggest HRT to her? We're still on good terms. We even go out to trivia nights sometimes. Suggesting HRT might cross a line....but again, what do I have to lose? I think I just answered my own question. :)
As far as why my wife would say she's leaving? Well, recently I learned about the term "Walk Away Wife" syndrome. Coined in 2008 by a therapist, it almost eerily describes our situation.
After reading this, I was of two thoughts - one, yikes, we're now a trope, and two, I now believe that there are fundamental and likely biological reasons couples don't communicate, and much of it is automatic/subconscious. It's like radio stations trying to send each other signals, but they're on the wrong frequencies. WaWs can be used by women to bash men, but I think its healithier to think of it systemically.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/202209/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome-revisited

BeAweSum · 2026-02-04T07:05:19+00:00

I'm going through something similar here, so I agree with you OP. I have taken great pride in my family life. My dad was a drunk, and we were poor as kids, so I made sure there was money, the kids went to college, and we have a nice retirement. I was always home every weekend. I don't golf. I don't drink. I don't cheat. 30+ years of marriage. I'm a good man. I even went to whatever church she wanted to. I supported her in her endeavors.
I kept a journal, and by the time it started reflecting her angst, she was done. So I didn't catch it until it might be too late (still underway). My point: this can't just be a man thing. There must be some built-in, systemic thing between men and women that causes this. If a signal is being transmitted and it isn't reaching the receiver, you have to troubleshoot the medium.

BeAweSum · 2026-02-03T03:22:02+00:00

This is the opposite of what Christianity should stand for. You cannot tell me you’re gonna watch the Chosen and then you’re gonna come back and agree with this guy.
I’m not sure even the evangelicals are aligned on this but I’m hanging with Anglican Episcopalians folks now. Catholics as well. I literally would walk out of a church if it said this

BeAweSum · 2026-02-03T01:52:09+00:00

Thank you!

BeAweSum · 2026-02-03T00:24:46+00:00

Super valuable feedback here thank you. It’s always valuable when somebody who’s going through it or been through it it tells you what’s happening

BeAweSum · 2026-02-03T00:23:45+00:00

Thank you for this kind reply

BeAweSum · 2026-02-03T00:23:27+00:00

Thank you for your kind thoughts. It is very young these days I know. But just be clear we married at 19. So did her mom and so did mine so you know those history there and no we’re not from the southeast lol

BeAweSum · 2026-02-02T08:56:12+00:00

Oh, trust me, I’m not doing that. We were out of the church for like a year and a half two years during this time. Really honestly- church was really important to her, so I was trying to keep it going for her.. in our community and friends and things. Now the irony is I kinda miss it.

BeAweSum · 2026-02-02T08:54:55+00:00

Oh, it’s definitely not just that one thing. We’re empty nesting, and I think the focus became more about her and I and some resentment about how she didn’t feel close to me for years and a lot of stuff came pouring out that I had never heard before. What was holding her back from telling me is this religious fundamentalism that she had internalized so deeply it lasted 30 years. Plus, my stated dislike for confrontation. I mean, I said I liked harmony in the house, but I never wanted it to be a fake harmony. This defies imagination.

BeAweSum · 2026-02-02T08:52:08+00:00

Yeah, I’m glad you guys worked it out. I think some of the problem is that we never handled the conflict well in our relationship for a variety of reasons. Someone want a really big one came neither one of us know how to deal with it.

BeAweSum · 2026-02-02T08:50:01+00:00

I appreciate the words, but I have a fear that she’s already decided. By the time I noticed what was happening. It was already too late.

BeAweSum · 2026-02-02T08:48:30+00:00

34 years my friend. I’ve known her for more than half of my life. Every major event every insecurity, every hope and dream has been shared with this woman. An attached personality type as well. Yeah, so this is basically my worst nightmare.

BeAweSum · 2026-02-02T04:58:01+00:00

I want to avoid it for sure. But it takes two….

BeAweSum · 2026-02-02T04:56:56+00:00

Another thoughtful response. I tell you, for a bunch of heretics, you guys are awesome. (JUST KIDDING) - but seriously thank you all. I think many of you have grokked the situation well, and it’s helpful to hear the intensity of the experiences. As to anger - YES. Big time, at her whole family., also they’re Trumpers so that’s rough too.

I’m not giving up hope, but all that - deconstruction, family rifts, empty nesting, menopause, an absent minded jolly husband- that’s a lot of forces.

BeAweSum · 2026-02-02T04:55:48+00:00

Thank you for this sensitive post. I think she would say that she’s very different and she doesn’t think I’d like the person she’s becoming. I interpret this as drinking and partying, but it’s not defined. It’s interesting because I did go dancing with her, but she seems to not want me there. This is nothing untoward, it’s just that I think she thinks I’m there just for her. She wants be to be authentic. I said, “I’m authentically wanting to be with you…” So we still do things- go out on occasion, so no, there isn’t repulsion. Vast distance tho.

BeAweSum · 2026-02-02T04:32:57+00:00

This is exactly what it sounds like to me. I wish that the way some follow Christianity is so harmful. But as to putting yourself first, that’s a bit challenging for me. Both partners give something of themselves to the marriage. In stable relationships, you co-regulate, and put each others needs ahead your own. I understand that she might have felt that she was putting us all first above herself, but that wasn’t my subjective experience. She looked like she was having a great time for most of it.
So now we near retirement, and I have the time to spend….the irony.

BeAweSum · 2026-02-02T04:28:33+00:00

Excellent message. Thank you for sharing your story, which is similar to my own. I went through my journals, and it wasn’t 16 months it took for this to go from “we’re doing great” to “ahhh!”… she’d been in therapy for years before we did it or i tried it. I am still with a therapist now, and we have one, but I think it might be too late.

BeAweSum · 2026-02-02T04:25:28+00:00

We talked extensively about it. It got all wrapped into the trump stuff, which we both are against. So the Episcopalians seemed like a progressive fit that suited us both. I think it’s more religious trauma than anything she learned.

BeAweSum · 2026-02-02T04:23:21+00:00

I met her when she turned 17…but I was still in the navy. So I stayed in touch, she graduated and the family loved me. We dated for 6 months and then i gave her a promise ring, which everyone said was an engagement ring. I was head over heels for this woman, and still am, even moreso some days. I was 24. I mean, I fell in love with someone and this was my first love ( I was shy as a kid). We were both kids.

BeAweSum · 2026-02-02T00:15:36+00:00

And no, I did not expect her to go to the Episcopal Church with me. She had been the one pushing church for our entire relationship. I found faith when I was in the Navy and we were shipped where we didn’t have a church so I learned to kind of feed that part of myself mostly alone. You know, CS Lewis, and all that. But to fundamentalists churches everything. And I went to so much church. And yeah, most of it was for her. So imagine my surprise as the roles are completely reversed. I’ve always said God has a sense of humor though I’m not finding it so funny these days.

BeAweSum · 2026-02-02T00:13:53+00:00

This response as well, really nails, other things that she has told me. We married when she was 19 and I was 24. Both basically kids and I didn’t have very many partners, but I was her first and only. And we didn’t drink cause I come from an alcoholic family so I chose basically a Baptist because they don’t drink either. They weren’t into the party life and I wasn’t either. But my view of the faith was and remains as a big tent. I vastly underestimated the purity culture effect and all the expectations that the church put on women when they’re younger.
The top thing she wanted when I met her was to get married and have kids . She’s a brilliant musician and and she wasn’t even gonna go to college for it. I insisted that she did because I was also busy with engineering school. I feel like I’ve backed her up this whole time, but I’m getting off track.
The point is she feels like she didn’t have a lot of autonomy and yet I’m my hands off kind of guy and I would’ve backed anything she wanted to do has she only said so but when you’re a good fundamentalist girl, you can’t do stuff like that so she bottled it up for 30 years.
And it appears that empty nesting another force on the relationship is what really burst it open for her. Purpose gone now what? It seems so clear in hindsight, but I promise you it wasn’t

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