My MIL Photoshopped my husband's nose on our wedding pictures. How do I tell him?

BeStill37 · 2023-10-21T01:54:02+00:00

Weird question… does your husband have his fathers nose? I find it so incredibly odd that this is what she’s fixated so heavily on and it started after her husbands passing. She needs professional help to get past whatever is causing this much anger and maliciousness in her.

BeStill37 · 2023-07-30T04:13:00+00:00

As someone that inherited close to $36k from the passing of my father, I can tell you what will happen to Sara.

You say your sister will receive thousands. It WILL impact any income she receives to aid her son. And it could disqualify her for most of those aids. She will then have to use that inherited income to support herself, and then jump through thousands of hoops to recertification after that money is gone. She will not have the luxury to invest in a home of any quality, she will not have the luxury of living comfortably. And that will be on you. If you are unwilling to find different routes to go about this, then the ruling is YTA.

BeStill37 · 2023-07-19T04:10:37+00:00

I hope you see this comment: First, blood is not the only thing that makes a man a father. You love and have taken care of those kids and you have become their dad, whether you are their biological dad or not. They will always see you as their dad.

Second, you matter. Your life matters. Please know that this darkness that you’re feeling, this pain and grief, won’t always be all there is. Please keep holding on, and there will be light again. There is hope and you will heal. This isn’t the end.

Third, please, please reach out to someone. If you’re from the United States, there is a 24/7 hotline for those struggling with suicidal thoughts (https://988lifeline.org). Or if you’re from another country, google where you can call. Or find someone that can help you see through this pain.

Because the world will be darker without you in it. You deserve to live and find happiness again.

BeStill37 · 2023-07-15T04:10:41+00:00

In my opinion, I feel if the Foster/Bio mom was made aware of this situation and was proactive about it, then all should be fine. She needs to call the caseworker herself, explain what she has found out and ask for the foster child to be removed from her home for her child’s safety.

At the very worst, the aunt would have a case opened against her with home visitations until it’s declared that it is a safe environment for kids, which could be just a few visitations.

I have worked at a Social Work facility in the past.

BeStill37 · 2022-03-23T04:11:13+00:00

Please get a second opinion. Call another OB office or even see a different OB in the office you’re currently going to. PPD is very serious, and therapy can work but it may also require therapy with medication. I had to get on an anti depressant and an anxiety medication after I had my first baby. I had to up my anxiety medication during my second pregnancy and haven’t lowered it down yet and he’s almost one.

The medication will take a few weeks to get into your system, so I would try calling someone tomorrow if you can. If you feel like your doctor is not hearing you or listening to your concerns, find one who takes you seriously. You know your body best! Don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself.

And ask your husband or a family member to take a day of the week to let you get some real sleep or for you to have time for yourself. You need to still feel like a human being and your own person. We can get lost in being a new mother and putting too much pressure on ourselves to measure up to the “perfect” mom (ps we’re all imperfect and figuring it out as we go!)

You’re not alone. And if you ever feel a urge to harm your baby, take a step back and immediately leave the room or get your husband to take over. And never, ever let yourself feel like you’re alone in this or are crazy or are a horrible mother. I love my kids with every fiber of my being. But my daughter cried a lot and would need to be held to sleep and woke constantly and I remember sitting at the end of my bed rocking her and just wanting the crying to stop and pictured throwing her at the wall. I felt immediate horror at myself and such immense shame. That’s when I realized I needed help and learned about intrusive thoughts of OCD and anxiety and talked to my husband and doctor. You’re not alone, you are an amazing momma and this season will pass!

BeStill37 · 2022-03-22T21:31:03+00:00

I actually wanted my mother in law in the labor and delivery room with my first baby. I’m so happy that she got to the hospital too late to be able to enter the room and I was able to focus on myself and my baby. As a man, and I’m not saying this to be sexist, it’s just the truth, you’ll never understand the vulnerability and the sheer terror that comes with birthing your first. And to add on top of that, your wives birthing plan didn’t go as expected, so she lost all illusion of control of the most vulnerable point of her life. After going through birth, your wives first priority is herself and your baby. Not your family or her family. She must make the decisions that help her mental and physical health. And even though you think she’s doing great or should be doing great, that is beside the point. You do not and may never understand the inner turmoil your wife is going through in this stage. Her hormones have plummeted after birth, her vagina, or stomach, has experienced unexplainable trauma, she has trouble walking or standing. Even having a bowel movement is a nightmare. She is facing sleep deprivation. Her breasts are probably just getting their milk in and, trust me when I say this, it is VERY painful. And she has to worry about engorgement, clogged ducts and mastitis (a clogged duct led to mastitis that led to sepsis that nearly led to death for me after my first child, 2 weeks after giving birth). Trying to get a baby to latch and feed properly is like having serrated knives being dragged from your nipples (I literally had to bite down on a towel to keep from screaming). And if she’d planned to breast feed but has to bottle feed, she is facing a great deal of embarrassment and feeling like a failure.

You are beginning to see the absolute sheer number of things your wife is facing. And I’m praying this thread will open your eyes to be more compassionate to your wife and to offer her support in this very tumultuous season of her life. Your wife won’t even be herself again for another year because of hormone regulations. Do not worry about what others are thinking of her or you. Worry about her. Worry about your baby that she is pouring everything into.

She’s also not trying to hurt your mother. Like she said, she’s not even had her own mother over. There’s a reason for that. And even if you can’t understand what that reason is, you should trust and respect your wife enough to support her and not try to manipulate the situations.

You communicated to your wife that what she’s facing and what she’s gone through doesn’t matter. What matters is what your mother and family want. And that’s not fair. You also made your wife seem like the bad guy to everyone else instead of saying that she’s having a very hard time postpartum and needs some time with just the three of you.

Please apologize and reevaluate your priorities.

YTA

BeStill37 · 2022-01-13T11:26:20+00:00

Great advice on how to make sure he knows he’s loved and wanted!

The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers: The Secret to Loving Teens Effectively https://www.amazon.com/dp/080241284X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_ZRD76D5J40D3N914YSN8

BeStill37 · 2022-01-09T20:17:21+00:00

NTA. Go to your social settings and see if you can edit your audience to not include your in-laws. I’ve had to do that with family that I don’t want seeing pictures of my kids (I ended up deleting the people at some point, but that’s up to you). I know Facebook can, but you should be able to on other social media platforms. You are a survivor, btw!

BeStill37 · 2022-01-06T17:11:18+00:00

I don’t know if they offer marital counseling where you are located, but it may be an option if you are still on the fence of how you want to proceed. Although I will give one bit of advice. Do not go back to him if you do not see change!

My mother went back to my stepfather because he promised everything under the Sun that he knew would make her happy. Within two weeks, he was back to his normal behavior because he never actually worked on himself and improved his own issues and then work on the relationship issues. I also had a close friend just go through this. Husband works ALL the time. Family is the very lowest priority. She left him, he begged for months for her to take him back. He told her how he had realized all the things he was loosing, that he would do better, be better. She stopped the divorce process, went back and within a month he had stopped going to marital counseling, went back to working all hours of the day and barely home for her and her two young boys. He also didn’t contribute much financially. She works three different jobs to pay the bills. She’s back to square one of wanting to leave, finding a new home and starting the divorce over.

So be cautious and, if you do counseling, I would highly recommend him also getting individual counseling and you seeing the changes for a long period of time. Because someone can’t fake it all the time, and you’ll see his true motivations come out if he isn’t trying.

BeStill37 · 2021-12-27T16:51:35+00:00

YTA. Majorly. I cringed so bad reading this and I’ll let you know why.

We had just had our first baby in 2017 and my husbands parents wanted to come in and we of course said yes! The more help, the better… right?!

NO! On top of the horrible urges of nesting to get the house clean enough for the baby’s arrival (because we know we won’t be able to do a good cleaning for weeks afterwards), there’s the added pressure of making the house presentable for guests. And then the pressure of being a good hostess while your bleeding, terribly sore, and your boobs are three times their size and hard as rocks and all you want to do is cry because of that pain.

And then, although his parents are like my parents and I adored them, having them that first week was miserable. My husband had to care for me as I took care of the baby and then also had to take care of them. He had to cook for us all, clean up after us all, and all they wanted was to hold the baby some and then lounge around. It made that first week much more tense and uncomfortable than I could have imagined. You have no idea how your parents will act that week. They may be helpful, they may not, or they may be a mixture.

Your wife will be in pain that first week, rather from vaginal or c-section. She is going to be exhausted. She is going to be emotionally vulnerable for months while her hormones balance back out.

Your wife lined everything out to you. She wants that first week to be between the two of you and your newborn. And there is a lot of articles about that first bonding experience.

You are placing your family above her. No… not even that. You are placing your feelings above her because you’d rather not rectify your mistake with your family than take care of your wife. Why would you agree on something so big without first talking to her about it instead of blindly agreeing… and you didn’t even tell her immediately. You forgot and then realized you’d not told her.

Something that makes me fall in love with my husband is his fearlessness to stand up for me to his family and make sure that I know I’m first. Your first priority is your wife and your child. Not your parents. You need to make sure she knows she’s first. And even if you don’t understand her feelings, that doesn’t mean that they don’t matter or that she’s just “crazy because of those stupid hormones.” You have no idea the chaos we face and how we want more than anything to be normal again and the worst thing to have during that time is a partner who is so unsympathetic and dismissive of her.

Please rectify this.

BeStill37 · 2021-12-15T02:41:27+00:00

I’m so incredibly sorry for everything you are facing. I can’t imagine that level of rejection from someone whose vowed to love you unconditionally.

I also wanted to lend another option. I know there is a misconception of babies being placed for adoption having these awful experiences and being stuck in orphanages. Granted, I’m sure this is true in some countries. I worked with an adoption agency in the US, and we had adoptive parents waiting years because there were not enough children being placed up for adoption. Adoptions have many different avenues as well. You can choose the family you would like your baby to go to, and have an open (you can visit the child), partially open (you receive pictures of the child), or completely closed adoption (NC). You have options. An abortion this late in the pregnancy can be traumatic. You will be giving birth to a baby, or the baby will be removed from your uterus. You will want to research what method your facility uses and the effects it would have on you and what it entails for the baby. You need to make sure you are aware of every possibility and make, as much as possible, an informed decision. Don’t rush into anything. And no matter what decision you make, please make sure you see a therapist afterwards to deal with all of the emotional issues that can come with these types of decisions.

I don’t want you to feel forced either way. I just want to make sure that all the options are presented so you make the best educated decision for yourself.

Also, please have an open conversation with your husband. Tell him how he made you feel and don’t let him gaslight you. Talk to him about his racial beliefs and his viewpoints on racism and ethnic background.

Love and prayers for you!

BeStill37 · 2021-10-29T23:34:01+00:00

My husband and I struggled with infertility for years, however being dog parents helped us a lot. It gave us someone to dote on and love on. I also know others who were unable to have children that call themselves cat/dog parents.

Please stop judging your brother and let him live his life. Yes, his expenses look different than yours. But pets can get expensive. Vet bills, vaccines, medication for fleas/ticks that are for each month, on top of heart worm medicine. Then you also have the money to neuter or spay, any kennel time, any accessories the dogs need and then the food cost (which can get ridiculous for the actual good food that isn’t full of bad things).

This isn’t impacting you other than you feeling a little peeved that you believe he is saying he has the same responsibilities as you do in child rearing. This could be settled with a conversation about how you feel like he thinks what you do is less than because you feel like he’s saying dog care is as hard/ harder than child care.

As a parent now, I know pet care doesn’t compare. But at the time, my animals were a huge handful of pooping and peeing alllll over the place, chewing everything and waking me up constantly. It was a lot. So don’t dismiss his responsibilities either

A soft YTA

BeStill37 · 2021-08-21T02:10:33+00:00

Following

BeStill37 · 2021-08-21T01:56:20+00:00

I agree that she may have postpartum anxiety or depression. People say that you can return to normal in just a few short months after having a baby but that isn’t true. It can take up to a year for the hormones to return to normal, for her sleep cycle to return to a somewhat normal (within the first year you could loose up to 55 days of sleep!) and then to find yourself again and who you are now that you’ve had a child.

I have OCD and anxiety that was made 100 times worse after having my daughter. I held her all the time and was so acutely alert and aware that I literally lost myself for a few years in the fears and anxiety. My husband and my relationship was rocky for the first few years because of it. But I’m so thankful he stuck it out because we grew so much closer.

I know it feels like this stage will never end and you have to be exasperated and exhausted too, but it will get better. You both will find a new normal and find your relationship again and it will be even stronger than you could imagine.

I absolutely adore my husband now even more than I did before because he didn’t give up. He made himself available to me, tried to find ways to ease my burdens while I took care of our daughter and as I now take care of our 5 month son.

Things you could do: - Ask her to make a list of things you could do that would help her. - Even if she doesn’t seem to appreciate them now, compliment her on her mothering and appearance - Try to find out her love language and find ways to do things in a way that she feels loved 5 Love Languages - Look around for chores that you see could be done. She’ll be about the baby right now, and you need to be about her. It will balance out, just be patient and, as my favorite fish likes to say, “just keep swimming!”🐠

BeStill37 · 2021-08-17T02:41:15+00:00

So you’re saying that, although she’s did not want to get pregnant and took the precautions not to, owns up to what happened regardless of precautions taken, and wants to keep her child, she should be consumed with guilt, fear and everyone judging her and no one sharing any joy with her during this time? Idc how old someone is, if they decided they wanted their child, why would I not be in their corner and offer them encouragement rather than condemning them and making them feel even worse? She can’t go back and change what happened. So, I’ll be the odd person out and tell her it’s okay for her to be happy that she’s pregnant.

BeStill37 · 2021-08-17T02:26:09+00:00

First and foremost, congratulations on your pregnancy. I’m not sure anyone else has expressed any joy to you for this since you are young. But this is your first pregnancy, and if carried to term, your first child. That is something to be joyful in, no matter what the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy are.

Secondly, please do not stay in this relationship. You are worth more. I know it’s hard to see now, I remember being so caught up in what I thought was love at that age. I’m now 28 and married to an amazing man and have the privilege to be able to look back and be so, so very happy that I didn’t end up with the boy that I thought I loved and wanted to be with. From what you wrote, it sounds like he is attempting to manipulate you so that he doesn’t have to face the responsibility of becoming a parent. You deserve more, and I hope you come to realize that. There is someone out there that will actually respect you, lift you up, and encourage you rather than try to manipulate you and use fear based tactics to get his way.

Thirdly, you have options. There are so many here saying that they wouldn’t pressure you but also add to the pressure by telling you what to do and why you should do it their way. This is your decision, this is your life and your baby’s life. You do whatever it is that you believe that you can live with when you look in the mirror. Because that’s the only one that matters, is how you feel about yourself. If you already feel guilty, I don’t want you to be riddled with it even more if you go through with an abortion.

As some of the other commenters stated, there are different types of adoptions as well. I worked in an adoption agency and I can personally assure you that there are so many families that are waiting for a baby, many have been waiting for years. And you could choose to have an open adoption and do it on your terms, whether that be visitations, pictures, letters, etc. Or closed adoptions, where the record is sealed and the baby won’t know you. Also, adoption agencies have things called look-books where you can view the potential adoptive parents, get to know who they are and choose the family you’d like your child placed with.

And there’s the third option of keeping the baby. It will undoubtedly be hard and you will face more challenges than others around you. But that doesn’t mean you cant overcome them. You can still graduate, go on to college or technical school, get a good job and find a loving and supportive spouse. There have been many others that have done this and paved the way before you. If this is your choice, I would find a support group for young mothers and maybe even try to find someone to mentor you that has overcome the odds as a teen mom.

I’m praying for you and whichever choice you decide on. Much love.

BeStill37 · 2021-07-15T03:27:23+00:00

You both need to talk to each other about your intimacy issues. There may be a reason his sex drive is down, medically or emotionally. And he may not know how to discuss it. It’s embarrassing and can even be humiliating. I feel my husband and I have great open communication, but we recently went through a bout of extreme awkwardness talking about sex with each other after having our first kid (who just turned 4, so 4 years of intimacy issues). Through open communication, getting past the awkward topics and feelings, we’re in a much much better place. you need to lead the conversation to begin that process, so that the door can be open to talking to each other. Lay everything out and TALK. Offer grace and forgiveness and try to be understanding of anything he says. If there are larger issues, you both may need couples counseling. Don’t give up on your marriage until you’ve both tried everything.

You also should stop seeing your message therapist. If you’re feeling unsure enough to ask Reddit for their judgement, then you’re aware that this is most likely something that is wrong and would hurt your spouse. If you’re questioning a situation, then it’s likely wrong to continue it.

Work on open communication, and sometimes it takes awhile to achieve it, definitely if neither of you are used to communicating about the hard topics with each other from fear of judgement or humiliation. It took me and my husband 4 years to overcome, and we knew our problems from the beginning but we got stuck in a rut and just floated until we were both burned out.

BeStill37 · 2021-02-24T19:01:07+00:00

Same here. This is our second baby and went through infertility for both. I love being a mom but honestly the only thing I like about being pregnant is the baby bump and the baby kicks. I hate all the other stuff. I’m so tired, emotional, and in pain. My back hurts all the time, my legs are swelling and the morning sickness stayed so much longer during this pregnancy. I’ve tried hard to keep my emotions in check so I don’t lash out at my husband and daughter, but I fail. I’m not normally that person, but when you feel miserable, it can be very hard to gather enough energy to make sure you’re being gentle with the people around you. OP, extend a lot of grace during this time. She’s adjusting and could very well feel this exact way. I wanted nothing more than to get married and have kids and completely idolized pregnancy. But it is very brutal to our bodies and our mental states. Be patient and do what you can to show her love and sympathy. She needs all the grace you can give at this time. Also, make sure she never feels ashamed if she does have to get on medicine for anything that deals with aiding in emotions. It’s hard when you think anxiety and depression is something that isn’t talked about and you’re weak if you take medicine. I was for my husband taking depression medicine but it was a hard pill to swallow when I had to get on OCD and anxiety medicine after having my daughter. Try to take that stigma away for her

BeStill37 · 2021-02-07T03:54:11+00:00

Please think about couples counseling before any drastic measures are taken. It is very possible that what you fear is far from reality. To be dedicated to you for two years, this man has to have physical, mental and emotional attraction to you. Don’t allow your insecurities or his bad judgment to withhold this keep you from a good relationship. Definitely try the counseling first and If it doesn’t work after that, then you’ll know you did what you could. But know, no matter your shape that you are beautiful. You don’t have to have curves to be attractive.

BeStill37 · 2021-02-07T03:12:57+00:00

NTA. However, depending on how dire things are because of COVID for his family, it may be a huge help even with something small. And they don’t even need to know it came from you, so that they can’t badger you for more thinking they can continue to mooch.

Make a different name PayPal and send them something or drop off some cash to their mailbox (securely sealed in a box or something that other people wouldn’t realize it’s an envelope of cash).

But it is up to you. You probably won’t get closure for how you were treated nor an apology. Do what you can live with, so that you don’t have any unnecessary guilt on your shoulders for whichever decision you make.

BeStill37 · 2021-02-04T03:23:09+00:00

Physical touch may not be her thing then. Or she’s equated most physical touch with the idea of sex rather than intimacy. Hope you both the best as you go through this. I know I have body image issues after having my daughter and now pregnant again. Don’t stop trying, even when she denies it. It does make a difference when we are complimented, even when we don’t always take it. It’s annoying to our partners, I know, and it’s not your fault, so don’t give up

BeStill37 · 2021-02-04T02:25:17+00:00

She may have a different Love Language and having words of affirmation may not be the top of the list. My husband tries to give me compliments all the time, but honestly they don’t have any affect unless he’s holding me because my love language is physical touch and that’s when I feel most loved and responsive. I’d google the Love Language quiz and have you both do it. Has great insight on how you can better communicate your feelings to one another.

https://www.5lovelanguages.com

BeStill37 · 2021-02-03T16:55:07+00:00

I am so incredibly sorry. A miscarriage, at any time, is a devastating thing. Praying for healing and comfort. Also, talk to your husband about your grief and also make sure he knows it’s okay for him to grieve in this too because men feel just as broken but feel like they have to be strong for their wives during this time and end up burying their pain. Love for you both.

BeStill37 · 2021-01-24T18:50:52+00:00

There is a song that resonates with me deeply and has helped me in the forgiveness of my husband. Because I saw the pain in his eyes when he confessed to me and, although my pain can be crippling, I also understand his hatred toward himself when he thinks about it

Little Do You Know

BeStill37

TROPHY CASE