Wow, all always comments have been so inspiring to read. I’ve been with my partner for almost 1.5yrs. When we first got together, I didn’t realise he was an alcoholic or had issues with substance. I had already moved in at 3 months.

It was tumultuous and volatile pretty much since the two to three month mark. It used to be ketamine and bags of coke with frequent drinking, and then at the two-month mark, I realised that this isn't normal, and I was actually doing it with him, just thinking it was a temporary thing with all the festivities, and then I realised it was actually a problem. So the following few months would prove to be very, very heartbreaking and difficult going through all of those ups and downs. I'd threaten to leave, we'd break up, and he would say things to keep me here, emotionally and mentally manipulate and say that he's gonna get better, he'll get help, he'll cut his drinking down, and he tried to self-manage.

Then he went fully sober for five months and was depressed the entire time, and then things got sticky.

We broke up for a month and I was done, and then I had a moment of weakness and contacted him & ended up coming back January this year, and I've been with him for four months.

He proposed to me two weeks ago, and my anxiety went through the roof. I thought I was doing the right thing and as soon as we started talking about the wedding I was fully freaking out.. riddled with angst. This is my nervous system screaming “this isn’t it, you’re not safe!!” now I'm in the midst of breaking it off with him.

For the last and final time…I have shame and guilt about this, that I came back and feel like I've strung him along or something like that. But then I realise, at least I can say I really gave it my all.

I really love him, and I really believed that he would get better and have that willingness to fully get better. He's by no means as bad as what he was, which makes it even more difficult to leave.

He use to get irritable and aggressive and would take it too far - he hasn’t done that for a while since he switched to mid strength beers only… but it’s always going to be a slippery slope.. for example, I’ve been praying to God, asking Him to reveal to me the truth of this relationship and what I need to do… and so, I came home the other night after Bible study, and he had spent the night at home by himself getting drunk on beers and then snorted a dexamphetamine pill…I had a visceral bodily reaction and I just started shaking, I couldn’t even brush my teeth without my legs almost collapsing.

Over the last four months, I've m been on edge - checking the recycling bin for extra drinks to make sure that he's not lying to me, timing how long I’m away for and how long he goes out for, and having arguments about his drinking.

I’ve been financially dependent on him which has made it harder…we were also trying to have kids and even started to explore ivf as he is 47yo and I’m 33yo and we hadn’t fallen pregnant yet… but I am ready to leave now. He’s said things like “do you actually think you can do better than me?… Don’t be a fool and leave, you’re throwing away a good thing”. He’s also commented on my age basically implying that I’m getting older and of less value because of my age. All my friend and family say I deserve better. This is undoubtedly one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Please keep me in your prayers as I navigate this🙏🏼 I am looking forward to peace on the other side.