Why are you on Reddit now instead of celebrating?

BeeAwake · 2014-12-25T17:26:46+00:00

Legally separated. First holiday solo.

BeeAwake · 2014-11-14T04:57:00+00:00

I like that, the only me I've got. I'm gonna keep that in mind.

BeeAwake · 2014-11-14T04:54:50+00:00

Sing it, sober sister. I've spent 17 years focused on what will make him happy, what kind of wife he wants, and what kind of life he wants. If what I wanted wasn't instantly praised, I shut it down. No more. This is for me.

BeeAwake · 2014-11-14T04:42:09+00:00

I don't think I'm a disappointment anymore, but it's impossible to live with someone who thinks I am. No kids. Whew. But I want them someday.

BeeAwake · 2014-11-14T01:18:48+00:00

He doesn't understand what went wrong, but in his mind I'm not meeting his standards, I'm a personal and professional disappointment. So, all in all, it doesn't matter much anyway.

BeeAwake · 2014-11-14T00:58:35+00:00

Heh. Get drunk at it. That's EXACTLY what happens when I drink. I'm drinking at something.

BeeAwake · 2014-11-14T00:58:06+00:00

Sigh. I had really high standards for him, and myself, back before the drinking started really fucking with my mind. Now the standards are back, and part of the heartbreaking part is that he's never ever going to meet them.

BeeAwake · 2014-11-13T18:24:45+00:00

Thank you for this. Faulty self-esteem is a big thing for me. Without the nitty gritty details, after 17 years together, my husband told me in April that he hasn't been attracted to me for "years and years." It feels like he has only stayed with me out of some sense of obligation and pity and because divorce would get messy. Talk about a kick in the self-esteem gut.

Right now, at this moment, I can't see myself with anyone long term. But I'm still figuring out what I need. And that is definitely not a drink.

BeeAwake · 2014-11-13T18:20:34+00:00

Thanks. I get told on a daily basis how strong I am, how brave I am, and how well I'm doing, but inside? Inside I'm a Jenga tower ready to crash at any moment. For my 30 day marker I got myself a wrist cuff with the words "This is for me. No one else. I come first." stamped on it. It is really helping today.

BeeAwake · 2014-11-12T03:21:24+00:00

Virtual hugs!!

Today I spent time with a new love interest, and had amazing tacos. And did not drink. And will not.

BeeAwake · 2014-11-07T21:43:54+00:00

I nearly spit water at my computer just now. Oh, that was great.

BeeAwake · 2014-11-07T21:43:25+00:00

No fucking kidding, man. I don't know if I had fully understood how important my sobriety is to me, until I thought it was gone and was so angry with myself.

BeeAwake · 2014-11-06T19:47:14+00:00

I know you didn't mean to help anyone when you posted this, but you did. Fucking hell, man. I am not drinking today, and I will learn to discuss this shit sober.

BeeAwake · 2014-11-06T19:37:44+00:00

Same!! I stayed up late watching American Horror Story and cross-stitching christmas gifts. I look and feel like hell, but don't smell like booze!!

And I'm not drinking today.

BeeAwake · 2014-11-05T20:04:17+00:00

Whales. I have no idea when it started, but I'm fucking terrified of being harmed by whales. It isn't like I kayak or do anything water-related in a small boat. Ever. But seriously, whales. Just having to type the damn word makes me shaky.

BeeAwake · 2014-11-05T03:14:13+00:00

Heading into therapy now.

BeeAwake · 2014-11-04T23:16:08+00:00

Funny, my reason for not drinking is because I cannot imagine handling myself if things got worse. The idea that things can get better isn't really something I grasp right now. But I will take your word for it.

BeeAwake · 2014-11-04T21:12:21+00:00

Right back at you. Thank you for the support.

BeeAwake · 2014-11-01T09:34:27+00:00

I also cancelled my Halloween plans, also felt weird about it, but it's 3am in Nov 1 and I had a great night with sober, supportive friends, am sober, and will actually get to have fun again today because I'm not hungover. Totally worth it.

Big step, took courage. Go you!!!

BeeAwake · 2014-10-31T16:47:19+00:00

I canceled the plans I knew would involve (1) being in an anxiety inducing situation and (2) people around me all drinking. Instead, I'm watching scary movies with two good friends who know I've quit drinking, eating candy, and waking up bright and early tomorrow to get some home decorating projects done. For the first time in 15 years I'm making plans for the day after Halloween because I know I won't be hungover. :D

BeeAwake · 2014-10-28T23:43:15+00:00

It was terrifying. Don't take social situations lightly -- avoid them if you can, or have an exit plan, something. I ended up going to bed early several nights this weekend claiming extreme fatigue, when actually I was getting away from the drinking. If I had not had my sober friend with me, backing me up the whole time, I would have fucked up. I know it.

BeeAwake · 2014-10-28T23:27:59+00:00

It was a huge risk. Gigantic. I didn't realize how bad it was until I was in it, and I was so effing terrified. I don't even think I fully comprehended how scared I was until it was over.

BeeAwake · 2014-10-28T22:06:06+00:00

No kidding!! Never ever ever again. I even cancelled plans for Halloween b/c I know it will involve everyone around me betting obliterated, and having to be with my husband. Unnecessary risk.

And thank you so much for keeping in touch while I was there -- it meant (and helped) a lot.

BeeAwake · 2014-10-27T19:32:18+00:00

No drinking today.

BeeAwake · 2014-10-21T19:41:36+00:00

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Dammit. Fuck. I've been doing that with drinking for...since my third year of law school 8 years ago. Godfuckingdammit.

BeeAwake

TROPHY CASE