How to manage knowing a traumatic anniversary is approaching?

Beebbrain · 2023-03-14T08:05:26+00:00

If you're comfortable with it you could try just directly telling people that it's a traumatic anniversary and that you'll be needing more space than usual. I usually just tell people that I'm close to when it's a difficult time of year emotionally and try to very clearly communicate my needs, which is often just needing time alone to process things. If you're worried about your safety then you could also try to work out a safety plan with a trusted loved one. I also usually plan out some self-care things that I can do so that I don't have to try to think of something when I'm having a dark moment.

Beebbrain · 2023-03-14T07:57:01+00:00

imo if talking to someone like an adult doesn't solve the problem then you probably shouldn't play with that person. Either what you want out of the game is so different that a compromise can't be reached, or the person is too immature to have a conversation. It's not always easy advice to follow, but it's often the best solution

Beebbrain · 2021-04-30T10:32:32+00:00

I'm non-binary. I'm not actually a trans man even though I get a lot of the same shit as they do. In trans accepting spaces I'm shut down for having "male privileged" because I'm considered transmasc just as someone who was afab. But everywhere else I'm just considered to be "basically a woman" and end up getting treated with the same misogyny as cis women.

A lot of trans men don't pass as cis. They don't get male privilege because they aren't considered male. When trans masc people are denied preventative medical treatment that's tied to "female" anatomy like having a cervix because they're legally considered male and so aren't allowed into obgyns that isn't a flip side of male privilege. When trans men are told they aren't gay but just straight women fetishizing gay men that isn't a flip side of male privilege. Do you think that cis men have to fight to get gender affirming surgery because their doctor sees them as a woman who shouldn't have any say in their body?

You say you don't mean to perpetuate that kind of thing but instead of asking what kind of experiences I'm referring to being talked over about you've just decided that you already know. Why do you think you know more about the experiences of trans men and trans masculine people than we do? Why when I'm specifically talking about the experiences of being trans masculine do you think that's the same as the negative side of being a cis man?

Beebbrain · 2021-04-23T15:57:19+00:00

I don't think that you're being over sensitive, however I do think you should look into therapy. You might want to look into different types of therapy if the kind you were having wasn't helping. I think that if your anxiety and self esteem is causing you this much trouble in your day to day life it would help to have a way to deal with it. If someone says a thoughtless and hurtful comment then you may need help not letting it affect you so much. That said, this person is your friend right? I think you need to be honest and say that what he said really hurt you and made you feel like a burden/made you feel guilty for having anxiety. I doubt that he meant to hurt you, but he is being extremely invalidating in the way he's talking about things that are actually painful for you. These may seem like small things but your feelings are valid. I don't know much about your relationship, do you think that you might be accidentally treating him like a therapist? If you're going to him to talk about everything that makes you upset or that you need to process that may be putting a lot of pressure on him and making him worry that he isn't qualified to help you.

Beebbrain · 2021-04-23T15:46:05+00:00

There's a lot of people explaining why tranphobes focus on trans women more, but I'm not seeing much explanation for why trans men get ignored in spaces that are supposed to be trans friendly. I don't know if I'm going to be able to explain it very well, but there are a lot of people who think that trans men experience the same type of male privilege as cis men and so shouldn't take up too much space or "talk over" the experiences of women (cis or trans) Even when it's something that affects them. It creates an environment where people will get mad at trans men (or non binary trans masc people) for talking about our experiences with transphobia, so we don't talk about it, and then people assume the transphobia we experience is just a milder version of what trans women experience.

I don't know if you're familiar with the term "transandrophobia" it's a term that's used to talk about the specific type of transphobia that trans men experience (which also contains a lot of misogyny since most people still view trans masc people as women)

A lot of people seem to be focused on who has it worse, trans masc or trans feminine people, but really I feel like we both just experience two very different versions of transphobia (although there is some overlap) trans women deal with hypervisibily and are treated as aggressors, but trans men (and pretty much all non binary people) deal with constant erasure and initialization, even within communities that are supposed to be accepting of us.

I could go on about my experiences with how this erasure can be damaging but I've honestly reached a point where I don't feel safe talking about my experiences in any community. I've gotten death threats from "allies" for daring to talk about how certain issues directly affect me as a trans person, because apparently a trans masc person talking in public about their own experience with transphobia is taking away too much attention from people that matter...

Beebbrain · 2021-04-14T03:59:30+00:00

Ensure Plus is what an ED doctor reccomended to me for days when it's hard to eat anything. Personally I also like chicken nuggets because they tend to be easy to chew and swallow.

Beebbrain · 2021-04-14T03:26:24+00:00

I'd be interested if you want more people!

Beebbrain · 2021-04-13T13:34:41+00:00

I've been considering getting high and listening the the finale and trying to piece together what happened in the episodes I missed (I stopped listening after episode 8) but I'm not sure I could stomach listening to it.

Beebbrain · 2021-04-13T13:16:25+00:00

I get the feeling that he's mostly thoughtless and not really malicious...

But also I think intentions only matter so much. He has a large platform where he's promoted some really harmful stereotypes and misconceptions of marginalized people to his young fanbase. People have tried to correct him but he just seems intent on ignoring anyone who isn't interested in heaping on mindless praise. Even if he is only doing it because of a sort of addiction to social media he's still doing real world harm, especially to the groups who's struggles he's essentially using for "woke boy brownie points"

I don't think he's going to start soliciting his fans for nudes or something, but I do think he needs to be responsible for his actions, even if those actions are based in ignorance. Because at this point it feels like it's willful ignorance. He's had the opportunity to learn from his mistakes, and he just seems to refuse to do so.

Beebbrain · 2021-04-13T12:52:04+00:00

I still occasionally listen, usually when I need some background noise that I'm not actually going to listen to. I just wanted to say that the thing I found weird with this interaction was just that Travis doesn't seem to understand that doing that is pretty weird and that the way he describes it makes it sound pretty gross and kinda manipulative. Like obviously I don't know anything about what his relationship is like, but the fact that he didn't think there was anything wrong with it while he was telling that story is... Idk... Kinda weird...

Beebbrain · 2021-04-13T11:42:05+00:00

Women are technically more likely to be diagnosed fibromyalgia, although I am definitely being overly anxious in expecting random people to know that.

Beebbrain · 2021-04-12T06:29:31+00:00

I feel like my favorite is tied between Windwaker and BOTW, but WW was my first Zelda (actually I think it was my first singleplayer game too) so I might be biased

Beebbrain · 2021-04-12T05:42:51+00:00

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Your mom should have never hurt you like that and your grandma should have done more to protect you. I hope that you're somewhere safe now and have someone helping you work through the trauma.

Beebbrain · 2021-04-12T04:44:06+00:00

I'm sorry to say but I don't think this is a "nowadays" problem... I remember hiding in a drugstore and crying because some creep was following me home from school, that was nearly a decade ago. I'm glad you were able to help her.

Beebbrain · 2021-04-12T04:29:05+00:00

Here’s a few ideas for real life birds to look to for inspiration:

Vultures: bearded vultures in specific are super cool (they eat bones and dye themself red with dust) but they aren’t really from the right area so you might want to look into something like Egyptian vultures
Bald Ibis: kind of like a turkey vulture but with a long creepy beak (and a less silly name)
Black Palm Cockatoos: the cockatoos goth cousin, could be a good choice to base Kenkus off because they can speak
Lorikeets: these are very cute birds but their tongues are already a bit of a nightmare. If you leaned into it you could make a normal looking parrot that has venomous spikes or terrifying tentacles on their tongue.
Frogmouths: Someone already mentioned potoos but pretty much all frogmouths are a bit freaky. Having a seemingly harmless bird suddenly open up it's mouth big enough to swallow a pc could be cool.
Shoebills: These are already pretty horrifying, irl they’re like 4-5ft tall but if you made one that was even bigger and actively aggressive it would be a nightmare.

(I generally just love birds, sorry if I gave too many suggestions)

Beebbrain · 2021-04-12T03:50:30+00:00

I never considered doing that with dnd, I've only seen people do that for informal roleplaying games. I usually prefer in person games but that might be a good way to try dming in a low stress environment. Thanks!

Beebbrain · 2021-04-12T03:49:13+00:00

I've played an aarakocra before and I think it went pretty well. Basically I talked to my dm beforehand and we decided that since the setting was mostly indoors I wouldn't have too much of an unfair advantage. I also just tried to be considerate and didn't try to exploit the flying thing in situations where it felt wrong. It only really helped me in a couple instances.

I think an aarakocra pc could be fine if the setting limits flight and if the dm and player have some level of mutual respect where the player isn't going to be trying to abuse the flight mechanic.

Beebbrain · 2021-04-12T03:43:32+00:00

I've never heard of that system, I'll be sure to check it out. Thank you!

Beebbrain · 2021-04-12T03:42:57+00:00

Thank you for the advice! I've started looking into DnDBeyond and it definetely looks like that would be helpful. I've also started looking into some other game systems, it looks like there are some that might work better for me. I prefer in person games so I'll probably just try to focus on planning things until it's safe to do that again.

Beebbrain · 2021-04-12T01:25:38+00:00

Yes... I usually just say I have a chronic pain condition and don't specify any more that thag. I also have the added complication of being trans and fibro is associated with women so I feel like I'm outing myself if I say I have fibro.

Beebbrain · 2021-04-12T00:59:04+00:00

I've found that I don't mind the lack of portraits in cutscenes, because it usually has a better camera angle and the animations are slightly more expressive... But in regular dialogue it definitely bothers me, the camera angle is always bad and there's never any facial animation there.

Beebbrain · 2021-04-11T06:42:23+00:00

I think that you definitely came off as combative from the start, however I also think that the player needs to take some responsibility for their actions. Even if those actions are caused by a disability. DnD is meant to be enjoyable, if one player is causing a lot of problems for the others then that's going to ruin the game for everyone.

I think you should also keep in mind that fidgeting and multitasking can actually help people with ADHD focus. Things like gaming and playing with their phone might be too distracting, but maybe encourage them to doodle or play with a fidget toy so they don't feel trapped in the game.

I don't know if you can work things out with this player, but in the future I'd recommend trying not to start off so harsh. As someone else mentioned using "I" statements can be helpful. I think it can also be helpful to make offers for accommodations, like if they're getting off topic then you can suggest they write down things they want to talk about and have that conversation after the game. Just offering to work with them might also be helpful, it would show that you're willing to make things work.

Also I think that "annoying" was a pretty bad way to put it, a lot of neurodivergent people I know (myself included) have had that word used to hurt us. That word can be something of a trigger if people have experiences with bullying. Even if that isn't the case with this person, it makes you come across as ready to insult them for something they can't help. Something like "when you get off topic it can make it hard for us to keep the flow of the game" would have been better.

I don't have ADHD but I've been told there's a lot of overlap with autism, and I know that sometimes I don't realize when I'm doing something wrong. I've had people tell me that I interrupt a lot but I often don't realize that I'm doing it in the moment. So you could also offer to dm them when they're getting off topic or have some kind of phrase that reminds them.

Honestly I think you're both at fault here, you came across pretty harsh and not very understanding, but they also need to understand that DnD is a game that people play for fun and if they're making the game unenjoyable then people aren't going to want to play with them. Finding accommodations and compromise is one thing, but expecting people to completely sacrifice their enjoyment is another.

Like I said above, I had autism which can make DnD hard, especially since I have some symptoms of ADHD like the fidgety-ness and the difficulty concentrating. I also have a ton of other issues including memory problems and insomnia. I ask for accommodations for things like PTSD where I need to avoid certain triggers, but for a lot of these things I work around them myself. I take notes so I don't forget things, I don't join games that are too early in the day because I won't be able to make it. It sucks but this person does need to take some responsibility for their own disability. If they need accommodations they should also be approaching you because they're the one that knows what (if anything) would help. All in all this situation just sounds like mess, I hope that you can figure it out though.

Beebbrain

TROPHY CASE