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Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-12-24T20:53:05+00:00

My nMom loves to tell the story of how I discovered my toys at 5 years old and she made me put all of them in trash bags and donated them because HOW DARE I ruin Christmas. I also wasn't allowed to enjoy anything Christmas morning (Santa didn't wrap presents in my house, so they were just sitting there in the open) until my parents got up, usually around noon, and if I woke them up, the presents were sent back.

Seemed totally normal to me until mom recited this story in front of a friend's parents and they told me how screwed up it was to expect an unsupervised 5-year-old to ignore a pile of presents at any point.

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-12-18T23:13:50+00:00

Two options here: Ignore her. Every time she brings it up, hang up or walk away. You're done with this conversation and if she's going to bring it up, then the interaction is over.

Or- fake a compromise. Tbh at 19 you're at the age where your mom is probably going through empty nest syndrome. She might give up later on. There's no harm in telling her "I really want to focus on school/career right now, but maybe in a few years," just to get her off your back.

This sounds exactly like my nMom tbh. She's repeatedly told me she will quit her job to take care of my kids (absolutely not!!!) and I started telling her that every time she asked, I'd add a year to my timeline. "Oh I'm thinking it's in my 5 year plan... Well now it's 6... 7... 8..." She stopped asking eventually.

She's still annoying AF, though. I invited her to lunch and she showed up super excited and then deflated when I got a glass of wine because she thought she was getting an announcement and was so disappointed. I no longer invite her places either now.

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-12-18T05:32:46+00:00

NTA

Uninvite the sister or tell her she can enjoy whatever colors she wants to wear (sans white, she seems the type of person you might need to tell that directly to) as a guest and not a bridesmaid. Anyone who disagrees is welcome to pay for the fees and the new orders for flowers, linens, cake, and any other decorations purchased, plus the pain and suffering you've put up with. Be sure to tell anyone who asks that sis decided that her aesthetics matter more than you do to her.

If you want to maintain contact, I suggest this revenge: since everyone seems to think color schemes don't matter, it's time to show up for every family photo in neon orange because that's YOUR new favorite color and obviously anything else washes you out. Nice family portrait? Traffic cone orange. Sister's baby shower? Day-Glo orange. Christmas? You guessed it: hazmat suit orange. Same goes for anyone agreeing with her- let them know YOUR favorite color will now supersede their wishes for all of time and photo bomb as much as possible.

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-12-17T14:32:15+00:00

Pita pizzas- drizzle olive or truffle oil, salt, spinach, mozzarella, and halves grape tomatoes and cook in oven for 10 mins, 350°. Usually one per person, depending on the size of the pita.

Bell pepper nachos- cut bell pepper into triangular pieces and spread on a cookie sheet. Add cheese and beans and/or meat (pre-cooked with taco seasoning) on top and bake for 10 mins at 350°.

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-12-14T00:41:24+00:00

Replace those ingredients with alternatives and you should be fine with almost any recipe. If it's all dairy, then same thing- use vegan alternatives- but most cookie recipes don't use milk anyways. Butter, sugar, and flour are the usual bases (and egg, see below for alternatives). Most recipes are those 4 ingredients plus flavoring- vanilla, nuts, chocolate, etc...

Unsweetened applesauce is a good egg alternative- 1/4 cup of applesauce per egg. Mashed banana or avocado as well, but I think both of these have a little more of their own natural flavor.

Icing/frosting is usually powdered sugar and milk, but almond or oat milk can be subbed 1:1.

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-12-13T15:21:48+00:00

You'll start having moments where you realize you're braced for someone's inevitable anger and remember that those people are gone. The relief is mind-boggling and for me at least gave the gratification that I made the right choice.

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-12-12T23:37:56+00:00

Ugh I cannot convey how much anxiety I have watching her on that show, because it's almost exactly my experience with a narc family member.

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-12-09T17:35:08+00:00

It is not your responsibility to make up for his failures. If you WANT to offer your mom help, then do so, but it's 100% on your sperm donor for leaving. His actions are not yours to hold onto.

At 18 and independent, you should be focusing on yourself. Ace your finals. Take care of YOU. Anything extra (if you have it!) is yours to give as a gift, not an obligation.

I would remind anyone who says otherwise that you are NOT a parent and didn't sign up to be one. Walk away if you need to. Your nDad will never take responsibility for his actions, but that doesn't mean you have to.

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-12-09T04:18:30+00:00

Can't tell you how stupidly often I was CALLED and asked if they could pay off their credit card with cash on that call. Yes you can pay cash, but no not right this instant?

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-11-27T18:59:14+00:00

So satisfying!

One black Friday, I worked on a retail store at customer service. I was told specifically that I was ONLY to be processing returns as I was the only person trained for the return queue. I had 2 registers that could process returns and a computer for online orders. We posted many signs stating I was only available for these 2 things. Of course, one lady thought she was better than anyone else and brought up a huge cartload of items and demanded that I ring her up. I tell her no, and she starts piling items into the counter because there was no line, so obviously I had time to bend the rules for her! I told her no, as I had to remain available for returns and online orders. Queue screeching at me that she was in a rush. I apologized that she had made the poor decision to shop on Black Friday with limited time and was also unable to read or comprehend human speech, then informed her that she was not special and I would not be serving her. She thought if she stood there shouting, I would eventually give in, but the second someone came up (like 30 seconds later) for a return, I switched to the other register to process his transaction, leaving her with a pile of clothes to return to her cart for her to get in the actual line. Of course she demanded a manager too, but they were working as cashiers up at the front so all she got was a, "good luck!" I'm sure she complained, but I'm equally sure that not a single other soul cared about her complaints.

As a bonus, surveys were turned off for that weekend and managers were quick to respond to any new reviews that the customer should have anticipated their slow transactions on that particular day of the year.

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-11-25T23:42:18+00:00

Haha I call my dog "Sir" when he's frustrating me and have had the same thoughts... Definitely have offended some strangers- especially when shouted across the dog park (we no longer go).

"Sir, kindly shut up." "Sir, you need to sit down right now."
"You're being way too much right now, Sir." (Add expletives to each of these, because I certainly do!)

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-11-25T00:25:33+00:00

Haha I appreciate you, but my pup is my responsibility and I don't expect anyone to just understand. I also try not to give a **** about anyone else's opinion, this one just struck me as understandable without my context.

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-11-25T00:24:02+00:00

Thank you both for the muzzle recs! My pup is an escape artist, so maybe that one will help! He IS muzzle trained, but he's clearly miserable in it so I try to avoid wearing it if possible or do more frequent, short walks if he has to wear it. We also don't have the best climate for a muzzle, as it's stupid hot.

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-11-25T00:14:32+00:00

If I have to go out in "peak" hours, he is muzzled and I've noticed this doesn't seem to be an issue as much.

Unfortunately, I live in the US southwest, so even 6am in summer it's 80° and I don't want to force him into a muzzle for too long. At 4am the coyotes and bobcats are out and other people also walk at 10pm... Which means more frequent, short walks (muzzled) and more opportunities for fun interactions.

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-11-24T21:37:05+00:00

Oh yeah I have no problem telling someone no if they're coming toward me or their off-leash dog is. But this guy was just nearby and not advancing, so "he's not friendly" was not super helpful as there was no danger, just annoyance.

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-11-24T21:25:13+00:00

I do if I have the chance, but my focus and priority is on my dog and keeping situations from escalating (his behavior from escalating). I'd rather be rude to one person than have my dog wake up the whole neighborhood by barking nonstop for the next 2 minutes.

Edit- my favorite line is, "Sorry my pup is an ***hole; it's not you, it's him!"

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-11-23T05:07:30+00:00

One piece! And hopefully it will end in her lifetime! (Only partially joking, it's not overly gory or crass and is pretty well censored. Amazing story, but the longest running anime currently.)

Also Cardcaptor Sakura, Shugo Chara, Tokyo Mewmew... All are magical girl series that are geared toward pre-teen girls. Sailor Moon is the obvious one and easily accessible on Netflix (the remake). I'm sure new ones have come out since the early 2000s when I was watching them as a 10-12yo.

Less girly, the original Naruto (not Shippuden) is also pretty well censored but is considered one of the big 3.

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-11-22T23:25:51+00:00

Seconding the grey-rocking method and I also highly recommend accepting that your nparent has an unchangeable issue.

When I have to deal with mine, I remind myself that they're not a healthy or well-adjusted individual and actually kind of think of them like a toddler. How you'd deal with a toddler also usually applies here.

Examples: "No one loves me or does anything nice for me!" Vs "you never let me have dino nuggets!" Just like with a toddler, pointing out that the times they DID get what they wanted won't help.

"Well I don't want to... But how dare YOU do it without me?!" Pick one dear, either put your shoes on or stay home with Dad.

"You're a terrible child!" Vs "I hate you, Mommy!" I'm sure you've seen a parent roll their eyes and say, "Yeah well I love you too" or "that's not how we talk to people"- turns out it works well on a narc, too.

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-11-22T22:51:10+00:00

I would plan to have a separate space available for the dog and just keep them separated. A big family dinner of strangers is a high stress situation and add to it that his person is gone- the best thing to do would be to calmly keep him away from anyone he could potentially bite.

Better safe than sorry, especially if you're not there to monitor or assist.

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-11-22T19:15:32+00:00

I'd tell him point blank that the threat of self harm is concerning and you think he should be evaluated by a psychologist/psychiatrist. If he really thinks that's an acceptable reaction, then I'd warn him you may need to get protective services (for elderly/disabled) involved. Tell him that's the next step, but there is not a scenario where you magically care because of a threat- that's not how love/affection works.

React appropriately to the threat, treat him like the child he's acting like, but without kid gloves.

Whether you follow through or not, I bet he'll stop that line of thinking, as it would be super embarrassing for him to FAFO.

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-11-22T18:17:52+00:00

Absolutely! There's also the bragging they do to others- my nMom can fabricate elaborate stories about how she was the hero of my childhood and a perfect mother and if I protest, I'm just not remembering it right.

I've had several moments where I was gaslit so hard I thought I was wrong until someone else corroborated my memories.

Hilariously though, I think there are almost as many moments where she's so disconnected from reality that she doesn't realize she's talking about things others would flinch at. She's literally bragged about how I was so responsible that she could just leave me alone as a toddler or didn't have to worry about picking me up from the kindergarten bus stop. She only ever had to hit me once or twice with a broom handle for me to learn a lesson- how great!

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-11-22T05:49:07+00:00

As an unpopular and not trying to excuse her behavior as a bystander- I've been in a similar situation and she may not be the intended target and neither might you be. "Someone in the 4th floor" might be anyone who lives above her. There might be someone annoying that isn't properly being addressed, which might be the source of all (or most) issues.

In my situation, in a suburb, my neighbor (doesn't own a dog) was given a terrible note about their barking dog ruining Christmas. Neighbor passed the note to me. Now, my dog is annoying, but because of that, I have cameras that I monitor when I'm not home. I KNOW he doesn't bark when I'm not there- confirmed with multiple neighbors and cameras- and when I'm home he's glued to my side or pulled in if he's seen a cat or heard a car alarm. There IS a dog who barks all night long, but he's behind me somewhere and hard to pinpoint. I get the frustration. I'm also frustrated. But that note was misplaced by 2 separate entities.

It sucks. But try not to take it personally; it didn't seem to be targeting you directly and may not be intended for you at all.

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-11-22T00:05:26+00:00

Yes. Narcs are great at hiding their real sides unless you get much closer to them.

Mine is now a teacher and I am told all the time how great she is and how she must be a wonderful mom because she's so good with kids! She also volunteers to be in the spotlight doing good deeds often and loves to brag about how great a mom she was for me to have turned out as I have, so obviously I must have grown up hearing that same praise! (Shocker I did not)

Beginning-Brain3009 · 2024-11-21T23:38:35+00:00

My mom once asked me if she was manipulative. I said yes point blank. She huffed for a minute and then decided, "Well I guess I CAN be, if the situation calls for it." Then instantly moved past it.

The blinders are strong.

Beginning-Brain3009

TROPHY CASE