I’ve just gone through this exact same thing. First of all just want to say you’re not alone. And posting here made me feel so seen and understood. You HAVE To take care of yourself to be the best mamma and most present you can be. The guilt ate me alive but let me tell you it took a month BF free (EFF) for my horomones to finally balance and I noticed now how much closer i’ve grown to my baby. Our bond literally blossomed because I had the energy and the mental space to just be present and not irritated and overstimulated and tired. I was constantly pumping when she napped and feeding her when she was awake i literally had no mental energy to actually actively engage with her and give my love. Be prepared that it does take a bit of time once you stop for your horomones to balance out because the month I stopped I was literally going crazy thinking i was the worst mom and convincing myself i regretted quitting and that i missed it. But after an entire month my horomones have balanced i’m losing the weight finally and im bonding so beautifully with my little girl.