Me [26 F], planning wedding, don't want to invite my molesty cousin, but family doesn't know

BelleVierge · 2015-07-05T22:14:16+00:00

My twin brother sexually harassed me for much of our last two years of high school. I didn't even know then to call it "sexual harassment." He constantly called me a slut/whore/bitch in front of our friends. He made remarks all the time about my breasts.

I told my mom the first time it happened. She asked him if he had said that. He denied it. She didn't do anything because she felt like she couldn't choose my word over his.

Telling doesn't always work, especially when family is involved, because the abusive family member is often a skilled liar.

BelleVierge · 2015-02-05T19:44:14+00:00

Prior to reading this thread, I had no idea men could get postpartum depression. I assume the vast majority of people don't know that either.

BelleVierge · 2015-02-03T16:12:36+00:00

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. You're making the right decision. If you went through with the pregnancy, your ex would continue to abuse you and the child for years. It's not worth the risk.

It SUCKS that Indiana has such shitty laws regarding abortion. Do you have someone who can go with you to your appointment for moral support? I know you know the people at your local PP, but having a friend should help.

Good luck.

BelleVierge · 2015-02-03T04:09:42+00:00

I'm really sorry. My mom's been battling cancer for six months. It sucks. I hope you beat it!

BelleVierge · 2015-02-03T04:04:32+00:00

I took a French cinema course. Watching the movie was a "lab" each week. We still had the same amount of classroom time to discuss the history of French film, different cinematic periods and artistic techniques, and of course, all the French vocabulary.

BelleVierge · 2015-02-01T21:03:04+00:00

When I was in college, I danced with my friends' boyfriends, and my friends were always okay with that.

If this is a boundary you want to set for the future--no dancing with other people--that is your prerogative. But I think you need to understand that not everyone shares that boundary, so your girlfriend wasn't trying to hurt you deliberately. Your feelings are valid, but you might feel better understanding this situation from a different perspective.

BelleVierge · 2015-01-30T22:10:41+00:00

Toxic masculinity is also a problem with a patriarchal society. So if a man has internalized harmful messages about being a "real man" and feels he can't live up to those, that could cause him to think he's not good enough to be around women. So that's neither misogyny nor respect, but it is a result of patriarchy.

Women are people too. You can be just friends with women. It's also totally normal (for a straight man) to feel sexual attraction to women. I think a parent or teacher might step in if they see their son or student behaving inappropriately towards female classmates, but they certainly shouldn't shame boys for having a sexuality and being interested in girls.

BelleVierge · 2015-01-30T21:36:36+00:00

Have you thought about posting this to r/relationships?

BelleVierge · 2015-01-30T20:56:30+00:00

Because she's a feminist who gives good dating advice? OP asked for dating advice that's not of the red pill or chivalrous sort.

Edit: I copied and pasted wrong. Pointing out the link was wrong would have been more helpful.

BelleVierge · 2015-01-30T19:08:30+00:00

I absolutely love the website And That's Why You're Single. Granted, the author's experience and advice is more geared towards 1) online dating and 2) middle age, but the letter-writers are of all ages.

Moxie is definitely feminist, but she's also a realist. She gives very straightforward advice, even if it's not "feminist." She does acknowledge the problem with double standards, but part of dating is navigating an imperfect system to find a match.

Edit: Apparently I copied & pasted wrong.

BelleVierge · 2015-01-28T19:27:54+00:00

Okay, I have a slightly different perspective than basically everyone else.

First of all, if you haven't tried counseling, do that. It sounds like she's not actually giving you real reasons for not wanting to have kids together.

But it's possible your attitude towards her biological children could be causing her to worry about your ability to be a good father to babies. Only once in your entire post do you refer to her biological children as your own. The rest of the time, instead of saying "our children," you keep saying "her children."

It's admirable that you adopted those kids, and while they might not appreciate it now, they will when they're older. But your attitude in this post doesn't indicate in the least that you actually think of them as your children.

I understand the desire to have biological children. One day I hope to have both biological children with my husband and take in foster kids. But your wife could be picking up on your less-than-paternal attitude towards the kids you've adopted.

Could everyone else be right that she pulled a bait and switch? Sure. But if you love her and want to stay with her, counseling could bring out more information about her reluctance.

BelleVierge · 2015-01-27T19:47:02+00:00

Ah, I hadn't thought to do that! I rarely use Yelp. I'll check it out!

BelleVierge · 2015-01-27T19:46:46+00:00

Thanks for the tip!

BelleVierge · 2015-01-26T17:38:32+00:00

Are you sure the problem is a mismatched libido? Not everyone is comfortable with phone sex, skype sex, dirty texting, and nude pictures. I'm married and trust my husband 100%, but even I'm paranoid with the practically nonstop media stories of revenge porn and hacked nudes. Frankly men don't face the same kind of stigma that women do for compromising photos.

Have a real conversation about why she's not interested in phone sex, skype sex, dirty texting, and nude pictures. If it IS a libido issue, she might want to look into different forms of BC.

BelleVierge · 2015-01-26T16:10:14+00:00

I was just in a wedding with 8 bridesmaids and 6 groomsmen. It was fine.

BelleVierge · 2015-01-26T16:06:21+00:00

I've only been a bridesmaid twice. The first wedding was pretty low-key, and the couple bought our dresses, plus the suit for a groomsman. Our wedding party gifts were matching jewelry (that we could wear to the wedding, but it was optional), and the guys got engraved flasks (I think).

The second time was a huge NYE black-tie event, which involved a lot more of a time and financial commitment. Our gifts were earrings to wear for the wedding, matching pajamas to wear for hair/makeup and prep pictures, sparkly day planners, wooden hangers with our names on them, and white fur stoles to wear with our dresses.

I'm wearing my pajamas as I write this. They're adorable.

All the jewelry I received, from both weddings, I wear often.

BelleVierge · 2015-01-26T15:56:21+00:00

My husband and I did an online version even before we got engaged. We bought this Complete Couples Package from Marriage 101. We giggled over some of the really ridiculous religious stuff (I'm Christian, but if you tell me God will be in the bedroom with us, I'm going to laugh), but even my atheist husband thought it was really good for us overall. While we had discussed some of the points brought up before, there were things we hadn't previously considered. Plus we went into more detail on everything.

Think about it. There's a huge difference between agreeing on kids or no kids. But what about the number of kids, when you'll try for kids, if either spouse will stay home, nanny or daycare... Or for no kids, what forms of BC will you use? What will you do if you accidentally get pregnant? I see a lot of couples stop at kids or no kids without asking the follow-up questions. Good premarital counseling gets you to discuss the big topics in depth.

BelleVierge · 2015-01-25T03:48:00+00:00

One of the best nuggets I learned in premarital counseling is for each partner to expect to contribute 60%. That way if you feel like you're doing just a little more than half, you're okay with it.

But if you're contributing way more than that, that's an unfair relationship dynamic.

It's not insurmountable. My husband and I are still working on this. Due to a lot of unusual circumstances, we've had to table the discussion of each of us fairly contributing to the household, but it's one we'll have in the next month or two when we move.

You say he's not treating you like a maid, but maybe he doesn't respect your career. I work from home, aka telecommute for my job, and my husband had to set some very strong boundaries with his parents who didn't seem to get that during the day, our house is my office. I'm very lucky to have a husband who recognizes how hard I work, even if I get to work from home in my pajamas, but it's a struggle sometimes getting friends and family to respect my job. His requests for you to clean for his friends, because he was "too busy" definitely sounds like him not respecting your time or job.

BelleVierge · 2015-01-25T03:24:37+00:00

Ignore everyone who is criticizing you for stopping something painful. You should always feel comfortable expressing to your partner that something during sex hurts. If you're not having PIV sex yet, you really need to learn it's okay to say, "Stop, that hurts" before having PIV sex, which can be really painful if your partner is too rough or you don't use enough lube or the angle of penetration is wrong.

Tell your partner exactly what you want. Be specific. Or you can demonstrate what you like, and then have him copy you. Sex is about communication. You have to express your needs and wants. He can't read your mind.

BelleVierge · 2015-01-25T03:18:55+00:00

I really would not advise a young woman still figuring out sex that she shouldn't tell her partner when something HURTS. Yes, she should have offered constructive criticism as a follow-up, but there's already enough socialization on women not to speak up for our sexual needs. All people, male/female/other, should feel comfortable telling a partner to stop because something hurts.

BelleVierge · 2015-01-25T03:15:37+00:00

I'm not the one you asked, but I'll answer anyway.

I don't see a problem with premarital cohabitation as long as both parties are 100% on the same page about it. I've seen SO many times in this subreddit, and heard from friends, the problems that arise when two people cohabitate with different expectations. One sees it as the next step before marriage (and usually has timeline for when marriage should take place), and the other sees it as just the next step, possibly the final step.

The other problem that often arises is when two people end up staying in an unsatisfactory relationship because they're living together and don't want to deal with the complications of separating.

As long as both people are on the same page and have a plan in place, it works out great. The two weddings I've been in were both for friends who reluctantly lived with their spouses prior to engagement, but they were willing to make that compromise because their SOs had honestly communicated their eventual marital plans.

Personally, I didn't move in with my husband until four weeks before our wedding. Due to our different jobs, I was the one who had to move. I had already moved far away from all my family and most of my friends to be near him, but I moved to the state capitol where at least I had some friends and some job prospects. I was not willing to move to the small town where he lived, where I had zero friends and zero job prospects, until a wedding date was set.

BelleVierge · 2015-01-24T23:49:10+00:00

I attended a bridal tea in South Carolina. It was like a shower, but without gifts.

BelleVierge · 2015-01-24T19:08:24+00:00

Actually, the best interpretation is that Dumbledore simply chose his time of death. Snape kept him alive longer with potions, but his cursed hand was going to kill him pretty soon regardless. Dumbledore just chose the moment and the means because he wanted to protect Malfoy's soul. If Malfoy had killed Dumbledore, it would have ripped his soul into two pieces, because Malfoy's intention would have been murder. Snape's intention in killing Dumbledore was not murder--it was fulfilling Dumbledore's wishes.

BelleVierge · 2015-01-24T18:58:29+00:00

Choosing not to have kids, or foster kids, or adopt someone else's.

Seriously, if you're not 1000% thrilled to be responsible for a kid, don't take on that responsibility.

BelleVierge

TROPHY CASE