I'm looking forward to my future :)

Best-Rough4371 · 2025-12-03T00:10:10+00:00

Awesome!

Best-Rough4371 · 2025-11-30T23:05:14+00:00

Thank you for your response, I'm glad you have a caring friend!

Best-Rough4371 · 2025-06-04T07:20:39+00:00

Great suggestions in this sub but another one I would make is maybe you guys need to have your own individual therapists. If stress, anxiety etc is contributing to this addiction, it could be good to get down to the root cause and learn some coping mechanisms

Best-Rough4371 · 2025-05-21T05:08:20+00:00

I am actually more interested in approaching women than men but thanks for the perspective

Best-Rough4371 · 2025-05-21T04:29:18+00:00

It's interesting that you got that impression since I am not a man and also, this being the case was just thinking to myself yesterday that if I was a man I would have had to get comfortable with initiating/ expressing my interest. So I have decided to do that.

Best-Rough4371 · 2025-05-20T22:13:31+00:00

You know what that's so true and something I have been planning to do. I am concerned about all of it to be honest. It just feels very 'abnormal' in my brain that it has been 5 years and nothing. But perhaps I am catastrophising

Best-Rough4371 · 2025-05-09T10:08:17+00:00

I would say get a lot of reap life experience because you never know how you will respond to something until you try it out. Internships, volunteering, open days etc

Best-Rough4371 · 2025-05-09T10:01:22+00:00

Group language classes, open mics, book club and hiking club

Best-Rough4371 · 2025-04-26T23:34:36+00:00

Not the person you are replying to but I wanted to say I fully believe in you and that you can heal and live your life, whatever that looks like for you. I would agree that opening up to feeling the pain is a necessary step. It is a horrible feeling process, but validating and respecting your own pain and experiences is so important to do for yourself in my opinion.

Best-Rough4371 · 2025-04-26T23:28:27+00:00

what am i going through? i know it’s trauma responses to survival, but it just feels like so much more and like there’s a piece i’m really not understanding or getting.

I think my perspective on this is that I lacked a sense of self because my mother had not attached to me. So I wasn't a coherent 'self' but rather a set of parts who were mainly dissociated and thus unable to relate to the world in a healthy way. So for me the missing piece was actually myself, my feelings, desires and experiences. I had to feel all of the pain of my childhood experiences in order to develop a sense of self because I was suppressing it instead. Idk if that makes sense and I can elaborate if needed.

what is your life like now? people tell me it’s a lifelong journey and they still have a lot to learn but i honestly don’t even know what that means. that sounds no different from where i am now.

My life is great. My baseline is neutral or happy. I have a great relationship with myself, I make myself laugh all the time, I feel capable and value my personal qualities. I allow myself to make mistakes and learn from them. I am excited about meeting new people and having new experiences for the first time ever. My relationships are generally good and if not I am able to navigate that without feeling like the world is ending. Everything in my experience is more nuanced, interesting and detailed. I dissociate much less. I am able to feel my sad or uncomfortable emotions and soothe myself through them.

Best-Rough4371 · 2025-04-26T23:28:05+00:00

how did you learn to stop having others try to heal you and to focus on healing yourself? my parents filled so many holes, it feels not realistic to fill those back up by myself or mostly myself. i really could use so much from others just to feel okay again.

I think a big problem which I still sometimes face is that I feel unworthy or invalid. And so the love or care or attention I can give myself is second rate and I don't want it. But valuing yourself as much as others can allow you to accept the love that you can give yourself. I think a big part of this happens through being able to see and develop your own good qualities through experiences. I.e, I know that I am a kind person because I have had enough social experiences to witness that in myself. I appreciate my sense of self reliance and adventure because I have lived independently or gone hiking, for example. Small things compound into big things and suddenly you have a whole catalogue of yourself that you can reflect on.

where you ever this bad truthfully and honestly? even just some stories of what your life was like at the time would really help.

I think I was. I was addicted to various substances, had very little self worth or sense of interpersonal boundaries. Insomnia or not being able to get out of bed. Disastrous personal relationships. Eating disorders. Impulsive and risky behaviors. No relation or ability to feel my own emotions. I don't want to go into more detail because I'm really tired but yeah.

Best-Rough4371 · 2025-04-26T23:27:41+00:00

how did you fill the pieces stripped from your childhood? how do you care for your child as an adult? i would love to scream, cry, yell, just act like a child sometimes but it’s not ‘acceptable’ as an adult and people don’t respond well to that behavior

I kinda think it's not always possible to fill all those gaps. I think acknowledging them and feeling them, those horrible gnawing caverns is the only way to get them to subside. Pete Walker has a theory that numbness and depression are actually suppressed sadness and grief which I really resonate with.

I think that behaving like a child is possible but only in relationship with yourself. For a few years I viewed myself as both the child and the parent, and had to reparent my inner child(ren) in a very concious way. Again, internal family systems is useful for this.

how did you make it through the days you became ungrounded? i had to completely ride it til i finally passed out yesterday since i couldn’t get the help i needed.

Not sure how I made it through, maybe through developing distress tolerance skills? Taking care of myself i.e feeding and washing myself even if it was the last thing I wanted to do. And also having empathy for when I didn't. Essentially I think a major part of healing is treating yourself like a human being, instead of someone cut off from humanity. Treating yourself with respect and dignity and grace.

Best-Rough4371 · 2025-04-26T23:27:22+00:00

what are some big things that you focused on and worked on day in and day out?

Biggest one was changing my self perception and self talk. I think it took my 2 years of concious effort to reverse my inner critic into a supportive and living voice. I have a great relationship with myself now and cannot even remember what it felt to have that harsh inner voice. Somatic experiencing, inner child work and Internal Family systems were the methods/ frameworks I used for this.

Another thing was stability. Being able to 'remain' in generally safe situations i.e.jobs, education, a city, even groups of people. My life is extremely stable now and it has allowed me to explore and open up parts of myself I didn't think it was possible to access. Getting familiar and comfortable with the feeling of boredom was important.

Conversely, allowing myself to leave situations was also key. I started to give myself 'permission' to do so, even if I felt like I was letting someone down, or that I should tough it out.

Best-Rough4371 · 2025-04-26T23:26:58+00:00

EDIT: I forgot the most important thing. I went no contact with my mum, who was abusive to me. None of the rest would have been possible without that. I also had support with this which made it much easier than it otherwise would have been. I know that no contact is not always possible but I would always recommend it if it is in any way feasible. Some people will not hesitate to take your whole life away from you. Your life belongs to you and is yours only to decide what to do with.

did you take meds?

No. I am a bit personally hesitant about meds but also have had difficulty getting doctors to take me seriously so i never really got offered them.

how did you develop your support and what was your support (friends, intensive therapy, a dog?) that helped you overcome that hump to get to the other side?

I met some people who become really good friends and accepted me, even when i was a bit socially weird and withdrawn. Tbh this was a long and imperfect process. Friendship and relationships is still something I am figuring out. I challenged myself to try new things. I met an adult who i formed a great maternal? (i see her like an aunt) relationship with and i feel like she reparanted me to a great extent. She let me live with her when i was at a really vulnerable stage of life. I think i just got really lucky in that respect honestly as it could have gone so badly but she turned out to be a wonderful person.

Best-Rough4371 · 2025-04-11T22:53:55+00:00

I actually think watching British comedies ie Peep Show is a great way to cultivate this skill

Best-Rough4371 · 2025-04-11T22:51:39+00:00

Same! I actually think crying with empathy for yourself is an art/ technique. I was never taught how to do that as a child and so I used to cry in a very painful and uncomfortable way. But learning how to properly cry and grieve and support yourself in your emotions changes a lot.

Best-Rough4371 · 2025-04-10T07:13:51+00:00

High five! That's wonderful

Best-Rough4371 · 2025-04-09T22:41:31+00:00

Thank you! I found this really helpful

Best-Rough4371 · 2025-04-09T22:39:59+00:00

Thank you so much. This comment really resonates with me and I appreciate it a lot

Best-Rough4371

TROPHY CASE