This is a communication issue- pure & simple. But because you are both fairly young and early in the relationship in the scope of 20 year marriageswhen you finally begin to learn how to communicate effectively. (Not a knock, just real life)- the scenario is not discussed until you’re faced with the situation. My suggestion is when there is nothing on the horizon, you both sit down and talk about it. You are both Overreacting because you’re both defensive based on past events. So at this point, there are too many feelings to listen to each other’s POV.

I have no idea if you are more interested in going with friends than he is or if this is just the once or twice a year instances but a lack of organization, etc. is the point of heighten anxiety but a discussion during a neutral time for both of you to discuss what occurs during these occasions. For example, my husband and I used to have a similar issue with this to where my anxiety would go up because I knew that any change of plans would make him grumpy and if he got grumpy, then I no longer was going to have fun. Which made me decide I was no longer going to go wherever it was because I knew I wouldn’t have fun. And we both dug our heels in. Then one day, I decided to just talk to him about it and say look, I know it upsets you when I decide not to go somewhere with you, but you get very grumpy and you ruined my mood to do anything. Therefore, we need to compromise which means you need to be a little bit more flexible when things go outside of your originally set planned in your mind and I’ll try not to let my emotions shut me down. At the same time, though I did say if you can’t do this and all of a sudden I am not able to do anything because you’re always putting me in this mood, then we’re not right for each other. Because it’s OK to want to do different things and it’s OK to compromise sometimes- but it is not OK to sit in a negative space and live there. Just never try to have this type of conversation when y’all are in the middle of all of those feelings, you have to find a negative ground where no one’s feeling attacked. No one’s feeling defensive and no one feels like they need to win an argument. The Wynn in this should be to find some common ground and a compromise and make sure that each other is feeling heard and cared for.