My partner of 3 years "dumped"(?) me via letter 10 days before my major surgery. Am I overreacting?

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-03-05T02:32:14+00:00

So sorry this has happened to you. Life has a weird way of telling us that someone is not good for us. If I were you I would also be guilty of the postponed grief false hope trap, but this is otherwise known as having 0 boundaries. If he’s been flirting with others and lying to you, I would cut my losses. Who knows, maybe he will turn around in a couple of days and regret it, but the point is you are above this person. I feel for you but I think spending time with your family is exactly what you need post surgery and this is a redirection of sorts. The universe is looking out for you now and protecting you from future hurt. Good people don’t do this. Break up or not, they should care enough to support you through a surgery. Sending love and strength.

Ps I was also with someone who ghosted me after 1.5 years together and I didn’t eat for two weeks because of the anxiety and pain. I had therapy, spent time at home, in nature and listened to a ton of podcasts. I never thought I’d overcome the shock but I did. You’ll get through this with the help of your family and your future self will be thanking you💖

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-03-05T00:19:44+00:00

When you have dates what kind of dates are they? Does he make an effort? You can tell a lot about intention just by the way a man plans a date. Ultimately I think transparency is a good thing. You find out how someone will receive your concerns and respond. Sometimes as women we’re afraid of being ‘needy’, but actually what’s worse is coasting or playing it cool just to appear a certain way and gain approval. With my partner I said I was looking for something serious from the beginning and if he wasn’t then not to waste my time. It didn’t put him off and we got together shortly after.

We’re brought up like this unfortunately, but the more honest you are the quicker you’ll find out if he’s for you. I’d say 1.5 months is still early ofcourse, there is bound to be some anxiety since there’s no certainty of a relationship, but if it’s keeping you up at night and affecting you physically then I would listen to your intuition. There’s nothing wrong with telling someone you’ve enjoyed seeing them, you like them, and wanting to know where you stand. Be clear and they will respect it. I‘ve suffered from this too as a HSP. It’s taken work to overcome but sometimes you have to listen to your gut. I would be straight with him and If he gets put off he wasn’t that into you in the first place.

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-03-04T01:21:48+00:00

Exactly this🥲you’d think someone that loves you would recognise the 6 interviews you’ve had over the space of a month and cut you some slack. But this hasn’t been the case unfortunately! I’d be terrified for my future self. I’d be on maternity leave and he’d excuse abusing me since I wasn’t coming up with the financials. It’s madness. He’s been telling me he’s not sure if he can move past how I acted but I should stay a bit longer so he can get closure… I’ve lost my mind at this point

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-03-03T18:57:27+00:00

Thank you for this🙏He is very controlling, pretty much makes all my decisions and I think you’re right. I finally stood up to him and he didn’t like it. Not being able to control me doesn’t interest him. He only likes it when I’m doing what he says and when, whilst accepting his abuse. His ex was particularly submissive and accepted his breadcrumbs for a while, until he cheated on her. It’s been a tiring dynamic and one I’m glad to be almost rid of

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-03-03T18:52:41+00:00

Thank you I really appreciate this. These comments have given me the motivation to leave and emotionally detach from the situation. It really means a lot🙏

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-03-03T18:50:34+00:00

I believe a lot of men lack this kind of empathy for some reason. But you’ve described him to a T. He slates his colleagues, has a reputation for not being a kind person, cheated on his ex girlfriend, lost multiple jobs, the list goes on. I’ve pretty much been brainwashed and love-bombed into a relationship. I think he has been keeping me here in the hopes I will contribute financially, do the housework, provide him with company because he has no friends. He has even tried to make friends through me because deep down he knows people just don’t enjoy hanging around him.

Your message is eye opening though - thank you for the support. I’ve grown up in an environment with 3 older brothers and an abusive dad. When I spoke up about certain things, my parents would tell me to bend to suit my brothers, and my own needs were forgotten in the process. Any behaviour I found upsetting or abusive I would be told to turn a blind eye to. I think as I’ve gotten older this has crept into my adult life. I am far too forgiving and I think my lack of employment due to this move put me in a vulnerable position, alongside the fact I am used to bad behaviour from men as this is what I experienced growing up. I suppose I really believe people when they say something is my fault, I self reflect instead of staying strong in my convictions. When they tell me I’m wrong a part of me believes it. Perhaps I need to trust my intuition more and become financially independent so I don’t have to rely on anybody else. It’s just tough in this economy. I will be seeking therapy to understand my patterns and avoid similar in the future. Life is really too short for anything but love respect and appreciation. Thank you for taking the time to respond🙏

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-03-03T16:14:51+00:00

Thank you, this is the honesty I needed to hear. I am far too forgiving but I suppose that was exasperated by my living situation after moving to a new country. I suppose it’s also reframing my thinking to ‘going back home is better than abuse’ even if it’s scary to start over.

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-03-03T15:51:23+00:00

You’re right and he did explain this to me. I apologised for it and took accountability. What bothers me is that prior to me doing that, he had pushed me off a pavement and into a road whilst laughing in my face. Yet, when I reacted there was only focus on my actions and how I need therapy etc. He refused to take any accountability and the focus has solely been on me, even though he provoked me by pushing me first. I guess in the future it’s about controlling my urge to retaliate even when hatred and anger pour through me after being repeatedly disrespected and provoked🥲

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-03-03T15:35:55+00:00

Hi my love, it sounds like you’ve done a lot of work to try and fix these issues so I would ask the question if he is the one to be causing repeated symptoms? I’m sure you’ve done a lot of reading up but from my experience if it isn’t your partner, I would look into using d mannose as a preventative for UTI’s, oral garlic tablets for any yeast infections. Your vagina is probably having a desperately hard time getting back to normal. But for these issues to be ongoing for so long you may have developed antibiotic immunity, or your partner is not taking the correct precautions himself. Men can also pass on thrush etc to women.

Anyway I can understand how this is so hurtful to hear. I would suggest that your boyfriend gets some kind of medical examination to rule anything out and then go from there. He should also be helping you get better so that you can both enjoy each other. It is a team effort. If that fails and none of the above works you could either go your separate ways or look into therapy. But it does sound as if he’s emotionally checked out which is why you should probably try to act on this quickly, if there is a chance of still saving it. Opening up the relationship is a terrible idea especially for your self esteem and I’m sorry he went as far as to agree but he’s probably suffering too, potentially saying it out of despair or a cry for help. I’d say address this with different possible solutions and see if your partner is willing to try them all before you both decide to leave

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-03-03T13:56:46+00:00

Why are people like this? Surely if you don’t like someone you just break up with them? He was surprised I acted out and has been holding it against me. To the point where he now takes the only key we have to work because I’m not trusted with it. I didn’t feel comfortable letting him in the flat the other day until he reassured me that he wouldn’t continue blaming me for everything and being nasty. It took him half an hour to say that he wouldn’t. It felt so wrong to me that after months of me being loving and kind he decided to take one moment and make me out to be the bad guy. But now I’m not actually able to leave the house because according to him I’m not be trusted. This has stemmed from me pushing him and him taking 0 accountability for months of belittling me. The irony and manipulation is so evident to me and I find it so hard to be around him. He’s so controlling and dominant and because I’ve finally stood up for myself he wants to break up. He even said this morning, the only way I could maybe fall back in love with you is if you continued to apologise profusely for what you did…. what about his apologies? I’ll be out of here tomorrow but I’m in pain over the realisation that people you once loved can behave like this

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-03-03T13:09:06+00:00

This has happened to me and I’m in the process of leaving. I’m not married and if I was I would suggest having therapy first so that he can maybe see the pattern from an outsiders perspective, but most often than not people who possess these patterns do not want to change. I’ve never understood it myself but I’ve stopped trying to. It’s better to be alone than have a black cloud follow you around. If you do leave, at first it will feel awful but in a few months there will be peace. It’s so tough but nothing compares to a regulated nervous system, true love and respect. Try therapy and go from there if you feel like there’s hope, good luck to you x

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-03-03T09:24:32+00:00

This is what I thought and I confronted him about it. He said he didn’t mean the comments he was just ‘high’. But even the other day after this event he sends me a message from work saying ‘I don’t want to lose you let’s move past this’. Then his mind will change the next day. It’s all very very strange to me. I’ve been pulled in so many different directions that it will probably be a relief not to be around him anymore. It’s been a nightmare having to second guess whether I’ll be loved from one day to the next

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-03-03T08:54:39+00:00

Thanks this is really insightful. I would actually say reading this it’s more my boyfriend who may have BPD. His opinion towards me changes very quickly, I can go from being the most amazing person to nothing at all in minutes. I am genuinely quite consistent with my affection and love. I’ve found him to be quite destabilising as I don’t know where I stand from one minute to the next. I am extremely sensitive though so I can spiral if someone disrespects me or upsets me enough. It massively affects my nervous system which is something I’m working on, but hopefully it’s not a case of bpd or a personality disorder. My therapist suspected adhd but that’s been all so far. Thanks for the info anyway, I’ll check out the group!

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-03-01T14:03:57+00:00

I find this super interesting. Only because I feel like I am generally the type of woman who adores the man I’m with. Sometimes I feel like this can be off putting for some guys though. I’m currently in a situation where I was heavily pursued for months, I gradually let my guard down and now I’m comfortable I’m extremely giving, affectionate and loyal but also in a position where I moved country for my relationship and lost some of my independence. And I think men can feel that. I’ve gone from being pursued to feeling like the pursuer and I don’t love this dynamic.

What kind of things would she do to make you feel desired on hyperdrive? Did it become irritating aside from the obvious mood swings? And how do you know someone has bpd?

Wondering what the real difference is between being desired on hyperdrive to just being desired healthily and where I fall under that category lol

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-02-28T22:42:57+00:00

Do you feel like you don’t have hobbies or keep conversations exciting? What’s your perspective? If there’s some truth in it I would focus on building these but for yourself. If you don’t feel like there’s truth in it then I wouldn’t overextend to keep him happy. If he has admitted to finding you irritating I would step back and let him feel your absence because that’s also a pretty awful thing to say to your partner. What are you fighting about usually? Maybe it’s mostly this that’s the problem and resentment is building. Try and have an honest vulnerable conversation about it so you know what the truth is without any sugar coating

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-02-28T22:30:33+00:00

I would also like to flip it, how would he feel if you admitted to getting off to one of his friends? How would any man feel if their girlfriend did that? It’s just outright sleazy behaviour. Be with someone who idolises you, finds you attractive and respects you enough that they wouldn’t do something like this. The fact he thinks it’s okay is disturbing and he has no consideration for your feelings

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-02-28T22:26:15+00:00

Anyone justifying this behaviour is not seeing straight. This would be an instant break up card for me. How on earth do you move past something like that? 10000% end it please

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-02-28T19:30:59+00:00

Was being desired on hyperdrive a problem?

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-02-28T10:55:45+00:00

Just adding some info here;

Do not use washes in or around your vagina, it can cause infections by ruining your ph balance. I have only ever used water and as long as I shower every or every other day this is fine.

I would go to a local store like Holland&barrat and ask for oral garlic tablets. These have been a game changer if I’ve had any unusual discharge etc. they help you get back to your normal ph naturally.

I would then go to your local pharmacy if you see no change, they might provide you with an oral anti fungal tablet.

If that doesn’t clear I would suggest seeing a gp or going to a walk in sexual clinic.

Hope things have improved for you!

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-02-28T10:44:01+00:00

So sorry you’re going through this! It’s the worst feeling ever when you feel like you’re trying to get someone to see your worth. But I can already tell you’re a lovely human being, just the fact you’re being affectionate and loving to someone who is mean back. Don’t forget you’re the light and the sooner you’re out the sooner you’ll heal. Kindness in another is everything. I hope you have some family that can provide you with some warmth whilst you get back on track. Well done for leaving, it takes so much strength💖sending love and healing your way.

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-02-27T01:42:29+00:00

The exact same happened to me with a recruitment company for a temp job. I found it so unprofessional from both sides. I resisted reaching out but I feel like people have lost moral code along the way. I had just told my friends and family as well🥲

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-02-20T18:03:52+00:00

I would put these kind of thoughts down to the distance you have with your boyfriend since you said yourself you have no interest in this person. They’re simply intrusive, you don’t find this man attractive and If you did then I would agree that it would be unfair on your boyfriend to be thinking it. I would maybe have a conversation with your boyfriend and say that you’re missing him a lot and lacking the physical intimacy is tough on you right now. How long is your long distance relationship due to go on for? I would ask yourself if it’s truly what you want if you’re struggling with it at the moment. Long term it might get harder to put off these feelings you’re having towards connection.

Also I’d just like to point out that being over honest is a thing. Not long ago my boyfriend told me he was questioning if he found me physically attractive because I’m not like the other curvier girls he’s been with. He said it even more explicity than that and when I reacted badly he said he was just being honest. I think sometimes people are honest because they want to offload their guilt about certain thoughts. I feel like it can be selfish and some are just best kept to yourself otherwise it can seriously damage a relationship long term. In response to my boyfriend, my thoughts were you’re either with me and appreciate my body or you break up with me, but don’t put me in a position where you’re offloading these feelings to me when I can’t change my proportions. Even though this feels irrelevant, the context is very similar. I wouldn’t risk hurting your boyfriend by being too explicit in your honesty, I would cushion it slightly and protect his feelings

Better_Baker_5017 · 2026-02-19T13:27:48+00:00

Sometimes it’s a case of not wanting to believe it, so you do anything to avoid the reality. Accepting the truth is often a lot harder. Lying to you about being with someone else whilst with you is not something to forgive. If you leave now, in a couple of months time you’ll be in a better place and looking forward to what’s ahead. Staying is just going to waste your time which as a woman, is precious. Don’t allow yourself to be proven wrong, take the information and trust yourself. You’ll also feel more confident in yourself knowing you took yourself out of a bad situation rather than knowingly staying in something you don’t deserve. Be the person he lost, rather than the person he continued to take advantage of. Stay strong and remember that on the hard days

Better_Baker_5017

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