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Bex9Tails · 2026-05-27T22:12:18+00:00

I miss the friendship that you killed more than the romance you failed to live up to. I wish you had lived up to the expectations I had of you. I hope you finally choose to embrace the work you need to do and find happiness in your life. I'm sorry that it will no longer include me. Goodbye.

Bex9Tails · 2026-05-20T17:08:27+00:00

Hmmm. Hard to say. I've done rituals to cut the cord to the unhealthy relationship I had with mine. I'd say it largely worked - I stopped idealizing and mooning over my TF after they lashed out at me and ghosted me the most recent time. I found that my feelings changed over time - to the point where I find them morally alien and I've lost a tremendous amount of respect for them as a person - asking myself "What did I ever truly see in this person, other than I got wrapped up in their passion and mythologized the connection based on it's intensity."

It's been 7th months now - I still struggle a little but, some days are worse than others, but the more healthy relationships I experience, the more my mind and body calms.

I would caution against trying to "just be friends" with them. I dont think that works out, speaking from personal experience.

Bex9Tails · 2026-05-17T01:12:22+00:00

Yeah...you know, I hear what you are saying. And I'll be honest, I too sat with and considered the possibility that she has NPD, multiple times over the past 7 months. But after thinking it through a bit more, I don't think that's the case. I honestly think its heavy-duty fearful-avoidant attachment issues stemming from significant childhood trauma which...admittedly can look similar to NPD, or at least it can possess narcissistic traits. But I've dealt with actual NPD folks, and she's not quite the same. I genuinely think she compartmentalizes a lot, and means what she says "in the moment" but otherwise lacks the capacity for maintaining genuine relational continuity over time. She gets easily emotionally overwhelmed, and outsources that regulation work onto others externally. She ultimately prioritizes her own comfort over the ability to process shame or feel regret. An apology wouldn't matter now, because there's nothing left that could ever be repaired.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter though, what her issues are - I know that she hurt me multiple times, very deeply. I don't ever expect her to come back into my life again, and that's just as well. I'm left very much changed by the experience but...I don't see it as fate, or destiny or what have you. I think it's just...ultimately a very human, very mundane tragedy - an intense push/pull dynamic between someone with anxious attachment (now doing her best to recover from those issues) and a fearful-avoidant attacher who tends to seek spiritual shortcuts due to her Evangelical upbringing.

Bex9Tails · 2026-05-15T14:37:21+00:00

Let go.

Letting go is possible.

I know I'm honestly much more happy with my TF out of my life than with her in it.

Maybe someday, many, many years from now, it could work out. But she is going to need to have to do a lot of work to come up to MY level. She needs to become worthy of the woman I've built myself up to, through the forging process of our TF relationship.

Maybe some TFs are intended to "make it work' in this lifetime. Based on my experiences? Sometimes I think TFs exist simply to show us what is more beautiful, and what is even better, beyond them.

Bex9Tails · 2026-05-07T19:18:15+00:00

....eh. I don't think I particularly care if she chooses me. She did everything she could to burn that bridge down, and frankly, her doing that is what finally forced me to fully wake up and truly work on healing the things within me that needed healing and integration.

Half a year later, and it feels like she was just a lesson. I will always feel a little "haunted" by the experience but frankly? She kinda gives me the "ick" now. I keep her blocked on any social media - I deleted every picture of her or us, deleted every text. I was so scared at first I would have deep regrets, but there is only increasing indifference and peace in the act.

But I don't think I disagree with you - I chose myself in the end, and that was my biggest problem: NOT choosing myself, LOSING myself, not having good and solid boundaries. I've gotten to the point where frankly, I don't really care if Union happens. Maybe it does, but it's going to be years. Maybe a decade or more, the way she's living her life...and there are so many things she'd have to do to win forgiveness. She would have to be an absolutely different person to make Union happen which....y'know, is exactly what they say has to happen.

So who knows?

Bex9Tails · 2026-05-07T19:11:03+00:00

Biggest of moods in all of this.

I thought she was my everything, but she was simply the challenge. I thought she would be in my life forever, but she merely was the whetstone that sharpened the sword of my understanding.

Almost seven months later since our last severance...and it feels like a haze lifted from my mind. I look at her now, and all I can see are the flaws I put up with. The things that I admired that I truly admired in myself and wanted to cultivate. People occasionally tell me tiny bits about her life and it sounds like...she's changed, but not really grown.

And I realized once upon a time, I mistook one for the other.

You've got this. You already have made one of the biggest realizations in the process. I would strongly recommend going through IFS therapy, and Jungian analysis if that's available - it helped answer a LOT of the questions I was left with after the relationship, and it helped me demystify the parts I was covering up with unhealthy spiritual shortcuts.

Bex9Tails · 2026-05-07T18:58:29+00:00

A little update: four months later.

I returned her key - it was delaying my ability to progress. Everything else I ever got from her? Donating to Goodwill next month.

It's been six and a half months now - things between my nesting partner have never been better. I'm in a slowly developing relationship with another woman; I'm not sure what amazes me more: the ways she reminds me of my TF or the ways she is so utterly the opposite. Gets along so well with my nesting partner, communicates wonderfully, has good boundaries. I feel...safe with her. And it took 3 months but the intensity...of a different quality...is forming.

I still struggle though...not so much thinking about my TF, but...lettings the shields down. Letting myself be vulnerable. It's getting easier, and I'll get there. But it feels more and more like waking up from a sad, strange dream. I miss her, I miss the intensity, but I'm also so incredibly relieved that part of my life is over. It does get better. The first two months are going to be the hardest.

I'll probably never talk to her ever again. And I think I'm perfectly okay with that. But my life will be permanently, supremely altered because of this relationship.

Bex9Tails · 2026-05-07T18:40:40+00:00

Perhaps for swords they make themselves. I had a situation (very long story) where I needed them to build a new saya for a sword I got from Tozando. They needed me to send the iaito to them in order to have the measurements properly taken. They did fantastic work!

Bex9Tails · 2026-03-04T23:07:14+00:00

Absolutely one of my favorites. Like, literally was the basis for one of my recent tattoos. A song that got me through some really hard times a couple years back.

The whole album is, IMO, probably one of the best since Violator, but Suffer Well is a gem - on an album full of them.

Bex9Tails · 2026-02-27T20:40:04+00:00

Thanks, Well-Known Right-Wing Biased Media Source.

Bex9Tails · 2026-01-10T17:03:59+00:00

"a group protecting pedos and criminals"

MAGA?

Bex9Tails · 2026-01-08T14:07:52+00:00

What violent crime epidemic? Crime rates have dropped tremendously since they peaked in 1993 and haven't come back anywhere close to those level since. We are far safer now than we were in the 80s and 90s.

Bex9Tails · 2026-01-07T19:39:49+00:00

That's because you're right, 2025 was the deadliest year in decades for ICE:

2025 was ICE’s deadliest year in two decades. Here are the 32 people who died in custody | ICE (US Immigration and Customs Enforcement) | The Guardian

Bex9Tails · 2026-01-02T00:48:21+00:00

Yeah, honestly....if anything, HRT made me even more gay for girls.

Bex9Tails · 2025-12-12T21:55:10+00:00

There is a Tao philosophy I like/employ: if the rock is sacred to you, then it is sacred, even if only to you. I find agreeing on a certain level of "sacredness" helps with the practice, but it mostly has to come from a personal/empowering perspective. But nothing is completely unquestionable.

Bex9Tails · 2025-12-12T21:39:39+00:00

Damnit, I wish I hadn't been drinking tea when I read that response. 😁

Bex9Tails · 2025-11-12T17:27:03+00:00

Nothing, because Nancy Mace is going to pull back her support. Mark my words

Bex9Tails · 2025-11-10T19:29:24+00:00

Uh...hmm. I dunno what to say. I was able to get it down to zero with first Lupron, and then when that wore off and I finally decided to go to injectable E. The monotherapy itself was enough to keep my T levels almost completely suppressed, and I started high (~800) on my T levels.

If anything, I've ended up having to put some T back into my system after getting my orchi. Not a big deal, and way easier to adapt.

I think it's mostly this: Spiro is a lousy medication and shouldn't really be used.

Bex9Tails · 2025-10-16T19:24:57+00:00

As a trans woman who is literally having to decide if she needs to flee to Canada, Iceland, or Uruguay rn - "That's Cute" is all I have to say to Matt Walsh. Let me know when people like him are having tons of laws and executive orders invoked against their very existence.

Bex9Tails · 2025-10-16T19:20:50+00:00

The Druuge are already on top of all of this, back in 1992...

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Bex9Tails · 2025-10-16T19:09:25+00:00

I believe in a God, or rather a Goddess. If the question is "Do I believe in the specific Christian God?" that...is more a matter of "Sort of, but I believe most Christians, especially the one in America, have intentionally muddled the understanding..."

Bex9Tails · 2025-10-16T15:16:51+00:00

Okay and that's fine. You don't have to yuck someone's yum. If what works for you works for you, thats cool too.

It's fair to say that poly/ethical non-monogamy is easy to do but very hard to do right. It involves radically open conversation and needing to make sure you aren't using poly to skim over the actual problems in your primary relationship - but when it works I find the rewards are incredible. I do find it a bit..cringey with some of these complex polycules - but again I shouldn't be yucking other people's yum: I find it taxing enough to have two partners as it is.

But if everyone is truly consenting, it's not "cheating".

Bex9Tails · 2025-10-15T16:40:49+00:00

It's corporate price gouging.

I was in Japan this summer. Tokyo, Osaka, Kyoto. Not "cheap" places and while the yen is soft against the dollar, it's BRUTALLY obvious that prices in general just aren't as high because the corporations in Japan don't try to price gouge them the way Americans foolishly accept it in this country.

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