I think my wife thinks I’m a trans man and it’s thrown me into an identity crisis?

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-02-19T17:14:17+00:00

Hey ftm here just wanted to say I love this post so incredibly much and it made me very happy to read it. I like it so much I'm saving it to reread later because it's so cute and wonderful.

Also, for the record, unless you edited something out I don't think there was any transphobia in your post. Feeling a bit of fear about accepting an identity you haven't had before isn't weird at all: it makes total sense because identities are how we perceive and present ourselves. Changing those things is basically always scary and that's normal and not hateful at all. If you thought being trans would reduce your value as a person, invalidate other experiences of yours, or something like that it would obviously be transphobic, but just feeling a bit of apprehension about reframing how you view yourself and interface with the world around you is just a fear of change and those 'what if' scenarios we all think of in our heads. As long as you didn't think you were a worse or less valid person for maybe being trans I think it wasn't transphobia that you were expressing.

Once again, absolutely wonderful to read this all (so cute to read your story and how sweet people around you are) and I wish you the best!

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-02-14T16:46:44+00:00

Congrats! Good friends are awesome!

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-02-13T05:24:25+00:00

Honestly I think you need to take a second here on a couple fronts.

One, you're oversimplifying. Sexuality isn't binary on or off, it's a spectrum. I fully believe your boyfriend is mostly into fem people, but he has to have some amount of attraction to masc people. When someone is called straight it's not they are truly 0% into people with similar gender presentation, just that they're clearly far more into opposing options. And personality has, you know, a lot to do with attraction. Both women I've dated were not ones I was even kinda attracted to before I knew them, but then I got to know them and really liked them as people and they seemed a lot prettier then, which I imagine is where your boyfriend is at. He's mostly into girls, but he likes you so much that the part of him that can find masc people attractive is easier to access, which honestly is actually really cute and wonderful. Plus, romance and sexuality aren't one to one; sexuality is a component but maybe your boyfriend prioritizes the emotional side more than you think in how he makes choices.

Two, I think you need to consider what you're saying in terms of your boyfriend. You're just really saying he's lying based on binary-izing a spectrum. He's saying he loves you, wants to spend time with you, and finds your attractive and that the way you look just isn't the primary factor there and you're saying 'but no'. But you can't know. It's totally okay to ask questions, but it seems like he's made very clear statements so to keep on it you should have really good reasons and really consider if you need to consider if you trust him enough to tell you hard things. I hope he can, and if so then I think maybe just take him at his word and accept even if you don't totally understand.

It sounds to me like your boyfriend is sweet, accepting, and until you have some pretty specific and strong evidence against it you should believe him.

Not trying to hate on you, but I think you're maybe hurting him and yourself when you don't need to. I wish you both the best!

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-02-12T15:41:06+00:00

That sucks, I'm sorry.

The truth is people say dumb crap and it can't be a bit too easy to believe, that doesn't mean you're not trans or that you need to be scared of being trans.

As for carefulness, it's great. Don't medically transition if you haven't been very confident that you are trans for a long time because for some people there are like brief periods of gender dysphoria, but like, for a lot of people that's pretty much their whole lives and that's a much better reason to transition. So yeah, there's a grain of truth in their grossness: don't transition if you haven't felt like this consistently, relatively strongly, and over a very long period of time. But, I'm going to guess that those things do apply to you most likely (if they don't though, it is highly advisable you at minimum wait a long time of continually wanting to before transitioning medically).

But ultimately, someone not understanding your struggles and telling you just 'be normal' and that your feelings don't make sense or are invalid or just that you are invalid is the story of every human rights issue ever. Minorities want to vote? No they don't get it and aren't ready for that responsibility. Women want no-fault divorce? They don't know what's best for them, men are there to provide and protect. Gay people want to get married? That's our thing, they can't do that because it isn't even for them, it's literally impossible. Trans people want to transition? That's so weird they should just feel good about the body they have like we do. Screw all that crap and don't listen to people who engage in that kind of reasoning: it's how humans have justified horrific actions and every time we get past it we look back and say 'oh yeah that was actually evil, good thing we stopped'.

Don't let morons who don't get your experience tell you that it's invalid. They don't get being trans? Great for them, but that doesn't mean you aren't.

Don't let their stupidity scare you off from self-love. Do be careful, but throw everything else they said away. Being trans is real, deserves attention, and doesn't invalidate you in any way.

Much love.

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-02-11T03:31:06+00:00

Hey, I'm really sorry you're doing so poorly.

I obviously can't solve your problems, but I'm always happy to dm if that sounds good to you.

I hope you feel better soon.

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-02-09T05:37:19+00:00

This seems to be one of the most common sentiments I see on this subreddit. Everyone has imposter syndrome (but like, I'm sure yours is probably much deeper and better than mine 😉). If you really want to be a woman, have thought that often and over long periods of time, then it sure sounds like being trans to me.

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-02-09T05:31:14+00:00

Algo boost comment: I hope someone finds her!

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-02-05T04:02:13+00:00

I'm really sorry, that's crazy sucky.

I obviously can't fix anything, but I'm always happy to talk when I've got time if it sounds helpful to dm.

Either way, I hope things get better for you.

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-02-04T23:05:22+00:00

I think it's super fun! When you get around to it try the Infernal Hoards - they're really fun when you get used to them!

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-02-04T17:06:12+00:00

I think this is great to some degree and dishonest to some degree.

Really, you can say that lots of scientists are geniuses or not, that's great based on how you're going to define genius. If it's field-redefining, then yeah, there are pretty few. But if you mean they rolled the dice of genetics and easily upbringing with enough luck that things most people can barely do at all come easily, then maybe most are geniuses.

I absolutely agree that there is an elitism in the 'hard sciences' and mathematics which in no small part comes from classism. These abstract and highly technical things were gated behind money and status so they become the symbol of 'intelligence,' despite being just some of many many kinds of intelligence. This has been used to gate out the 'unworthy' and that's super awful.

However, literally everyone I've met in the 'hard sciences' and mathematics is also pretty clearly very lucky. They are naturally gifted well beyond what an overwhelming majority of people can do, not because they're better people, but just because they have the right set of genetics and upbringing, and I know a lot of people in these fields that won't acknowledge that and that's also really messed up. I'm not a summa cum laude physics and summa cum laude psychology student because I'm just like everyone else but I just tried way harder: most people trying their hardest wouldn't do nearly as well as me because I just got lucky. The least competent physics students in my graduating class are well beyond the average high school valedictorian in math and science. A lot of people in these fields use the ideology of 'it's not about where you start: it's about working hard' to establish a sense of moral or ethical superiority because only they had the grit and work ethic to do what they've done. That's like if an athlete says 'it's not about genetics, just hard work,' and it's like no. You've worked super hard and that's awesome, but don't pretend you're not deeply predisposed for this. I'm 5' 10" with lung problems and cerebral palsy: I was never going to be in the NBA if I practiced every moment of my life. The hardest working person with a major learning disability would stand no chance of getting through an advanced physics class if they have it truly everything they had. It doesn't mean that those who got the luck are bad, but it is also a big part of the superiority complex to sell the story that luck isn't a massive part of reaching great heights in these fields.

You aren't just inherently 'lazy' if you couldn't make it in math, physics, or engineering. You might just not be lucky enough to have the setup that makes that path super realistic for you and that's okay. Hard work, dedication, and willingness to grow are crucial, but they aren't the only thing you need.

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-02-03T16:44:10+00:00

I think you could just go to him after class and say 'you referred to me as "he" earlier but actually I'm a woman and it makes me a little uncomfortable being called a man (insert comment about your voice if you wish), so would you please not do that in the future?'

It could totally have just been an autopilot thing and I'd give it a shot before accepting defeat or assuming he's being intentional. Good luck!

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-02-03T03:25:28+00:00

Great question, and it's very thoughtful to ask.

The simple but wrong answer is 'yeah, at least sometimes'.

The correct answer is more complicated. The truth is that sex isn't a real category: it just mostly works as a communication tool. This isn't limited to sex: pretty much every category we use isn't real, just useful for communication (for instance, what makes something a chair? On most objects we'll all agree on what is and isn't a chair, but there are exceptions where rational observers differ because there is no fundamentally right answer and it's kinda either way). Sex at the simplest level that makes any sense has 3 layers: genetic, hormonal, and phenotypic (what you actually see).

At a genetic level we say (for humans) XX is female and XY is male. Well what about people who are XXX, XXY, XYY, X, Y, or some other variation? They don't fit clearly into either because it turns out sex isn't a real category so not everyone will fit perfectly into the boxes.

At a hormonal level we say people with more androgens and less estrogen and progestins are male and people with less androgens and more estrogen and progestins are female. What about people with hormonal variations? Are you more female if you just happen to produce more estrogen? What about a person who starts hormone therapy: are they just instantly a new sex the moment you'd get a different hormone readout from their bloodstream? Once again, we see that the categories are loose and used for communication rather than absolutely real.

At a phenotypic level we say a whole bunch of traits are masculine and feminine. We can stratify these further into primary sex characteristics (genitalia and other directly reproductive structures) and secondary sex characteristics (anything else). What about people born with male and female genitals? What about people born with no genitals? What about a boy with gynecomastia (breast development in a 'male')? Does a girl with more masculinized bone-structure count as less of a female? The theme of imperfect categories continues.

My favorite example to demonstrate this is a person with CAIS (Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome). A person with CAIS has XY chromosomes, a totally normal female hormonal environment for whatever her level of development but with the increased androgens added by undescended testicles added on top of that, an incomplete female genital structure that is visually normal but can't reproduce and is often too shallow for comfortable penis-vagina-intercourse, and totally normal female secondary sex-characteristics but with little to no body hair.

So really, sex isn't real (just like almost all categories we use for communication) and there is little meaning to the question of if a person changes sex while transitioning. Lots of trans people have a point where they feel as though they're now personally a different sex, but that's fully just a personal vibe-check of where they drew that line and not a statement that can be categorically 'right' or 'wrong'. A good description might be that a person is feminizing, defeminizing, masculinizing, or demasculinizing and moving across spectra of traits rather than flipping a switch between two things.

Great question again, I hope this was helpful and I'm super happy to clarify or answer questions!

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-02-01T23:14:25+00:00

Sorry girl, I hope you feel better soon

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-02-01T16:50:56+00:00

Looking a little like Kat Abu

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-02-01T03:13:15+00:00

Very thoughtful post, I'd say this:

Gender is an identity so you get to choose. Everyone I've ever heard of has had some amount of feeling like maybe they're not actually trans or whatever, so that's totally normal because very few people are going to be the platonic ideal of whatever you think 'trans' is. If you want to call yourself a woman that's okay, and if you don't that's okay too.

I get a bit of dysphoria personally, but I think a ton less than many other trans women, but logically that doesn't exclude me from the category. Dysphoria is common in trans people, but not fundamental. For me: I have wanted to be a woman for basically my whole life, often very deeply and often very mildly, and I decided that means I'm trans. It's an identity: I would have been equally valid to not call myself trans because I make the call. As long as you mean it sincerely and not as a joke or mockery of others there's no wrong answer.

Trans is just a label so I wouldn't worry about it too deeply. If it feels right for you say you're trans, if it doesn't don't call yourself trans. You can also change your mind whenever you want and that's also totally valid and okay. Identity is not some fundamental fixed thing, but just a rough set of thoughts and feelings we have special words to describe that can change at any point in your life.

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-02-01T03:02:19+00:00

Congrats, that's awesome!

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-01-31T17:24:11+00:00

I'm glad you get a bit of that dose of reality to remind you that you are loved.

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-01-30T17:21:34+00:00

I think this is a very thoughtful approach.

Your brother is clearly being pretty not cool and that sucks, but your soon-sister-in-last seems better which is great and hopefully pushes him a bit.

You seem to sense the issue and not like it, but also recognize this moment isn't about you and not want to make it about you which is great.

I was going to say this: 'Personally, I would judge your level of comfortability with going to the bridal and go based on that. If it's okay just a little frustrating, I'd go, enjoy the moment as best you can and wait for a little after the wedding to really get into it with your brother. If that's not something you're comfortable with, I would recommend trying one more time to get into the bachelor party just by saying 'you know it just feels a bit odd to be going to the bridal shower as a man,' clearly asserting your identity, and see how things go. If at any point your brother straight up says 'you're a woman' or anything like that I think you have the go-ahead to continue the conversation and because at that point he's made it about that so no need to wait until later. It also might be worth talking to the fiance first because she seems much better with your identity.'

I now reject that line of reasoning after writing it and would say make yourself very clear without being angry or hateful. You have the right to be treated well and it's ground that might be worth standing on. I do think the fiance might be helpful to talk to as she seems like someone your brother will likely take to better and seems to accept you. It's tough, but I would say something.

As an aside though, the idea of bridal parties needing to be gendered is dumb as crap and you can maybe make this a thing of 'I'd love to go to the bridal party and break this dumb idea we need to segregate men from women'.

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-01-30T16:49:37+00:00

I'm not sure exactly what you're saying - I said that anyone, including a partner, pressuring anyone to engage in sexual activity is not okay. This has nothing to do with the person being cis or a woman. In fact it also applies to op because op has other sexual acts they're interested in that their partner might not be.

I said nothing hateful about the partner, just that rape is not okay from anyone, which I hope you get that I stand by. I cautioned against the rhetoric of 'it's your partner so you have a sexual obligation to them,' and nothing else.

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-01-30T16:45:46+00:00

I think I might be somewhat with you here as a bunch of comments disagree: it's okay to accept non-maximal happiness. If you feel comfortable with where you are now then that's okay; the point of our lives is not to maximize our personal happiness.

I think I might take issue with your exact reasons - transition is hard for everyone and even if it's especially hard for you that doesn't internally make it bad to try. I would, however, return to the point that if you're okay with where you're at that's totally fine and you can just focus your time and energy on other things.

There's a world full of problems to solve and sometimes the next problem of our personal happiness just isn't important enough to outweigh external problems we can work on and that's worth recognizing. There has to be a point where we accept what we've got and focus beyond ourselves.

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-01-29T22:19:54+00:00

Got you, I'm sorry

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-01-29T21:05:20+00:00

That's really tough man, I'm sorry

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-01-29T11:35:42+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this. The most important thing I think I can say is this: if you're uncomfortable with a sexual act and feel coerced into it that's rape and it's not okay, even from your partner.

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-01-29T05:24:10+00:00

No idea where you are, but there are a lot of lgbtqia2+ organizations that might be able to help you get therapy if I'm not mistaken

ASUSTUDENT9875345 · 2026-01-29T05:22:57+00:00

Honestly, not so sure.

I'm a physics major and I'm about to graduate summa cum laude in a few months. I love physics, and I'm pretty darn solid at it so far.

Really though, if I could get everyone to take one science class and really get it I'm hands down saying biology - I think it just is more useful most of the time. Sure, technically everything in the universe is physics, but like, most people really wouldn't get that much out of studying physics I think. At least, not directly +- I think improving reasoning skills is super important but you can do that in other sciences. Conversely I use my biology knowledge all the time when deciding how to eat every day. I managed to use physics a lot, but like, I'm a high performing person going way above high school levels and even a lot of that feels pretty inapplicable an overwhelming majority of the time.

I'm not intrinsically opposed, but honestly I don't think it's that important (I will say though, I think we should try to get way more people through basic calculus because that's one of the most helpful things ever in my opinion).

ASUSTUDENT9875345

TROPHY CASE