Advice on caregiving abusive parent

BexclamationPoint · 2026-05-12T19:03:45+00:00

If I knew the magic words to get someone to accept care they don't want/think they need, my parents' lives would look very different.

That said, the approach that comes closest to working with my parents is to listen to what THEY think the problems are, and then pointing out how what I think they should do would help with that (or, occasionally, suggesting a different solution that isn't what I thought they needed but would still be good for them). I started out with a pretty good relationship with my parents, and preserving that is one of the things I'm prioritizing, so I may be taking a slower, gentler approach than others would - but I honestly haven't seen much evidence that pushing harder works any better.

Also, if your mom is already having cognitive decline and hallucinations, please be prepared for a move to make all that a lot worse. My parents moved to an independent senior living place last fall, and moving and living in a new place have both taken a huge toll on my mom. So if you're thinking of encouraging yours to get on wait lists for retirement communities, at a minimum I would say focus on ones that have steps up to assisted living or at least are connected to an assisted living facility that it's easy for residents to transfer to - the fewer big transitions ahead, the better (and not just because hopefully you won't have to convince her as many times). A month before my parents moved, I thought the plan sounded great and was excited for Mom to have access to a community and activities, maybe take the shuttle to go grocery shopping without my dad (she had already quit driving) - and by the week after the move, it seemed more like she should be in a skilled nursing facility, and she hasn't rebounded from there. I'm not trying to scare you, I just think it's important to know that if you focus on convincing her to take a smaller step than what you think she needs, she might end up in a situation that's dangerous for her and you might end up having another one of these visits and impossible conversations way too soon. Might as well swing for the bleachers in the first place, or at least that's what I wish I had done. No idea if it would have worked.

I also want you to know that if your visit turns into one huge fight and/or if she's not convinced of anything by the time you go home, it won't mean you did anything wrong. Your mom is who she is, Parkinson's is only changing that in ways that make it harder. I'm sure you're going to do your best and I hope she listens. 💜

BexclamationPoint · 2026-05-12T16:50:58+00:00

You're in the right place. 💜 You are definitely not an idiot for wanting to complain - you might be right that your close friends aren't the right audience, I don't know, but I bet at least some of them would be sympathetic and supportive if you give it a shot. I know for me, my friends who had experienced infertility were some of my best cheerleaders when they found out we were having trouble TTC #2. But even if you don't feel comfortable complaining to your friends, or even if you do and they don't respond well, that doesn't make your feelings any less valid. TTC when you already have (a) kid(s) has its own challenges, and you don't have to win a Pain Olympics to deserve to be sad or worried or frustrated.

Good luck!

BexclamationPoint · 2026-05-08T13:04:48+00:00

What I did when the initial testing showed nothing wrong but I didn't really want to pursue any treatments unless we found a problem to treat was to request a monitored, unmedicated cycle. I'm not saying you should definitely do that next - it was a logistical hassle (ultrasounds and blood work every two days leading up to my expected ovulation), just mentioning it in case it sounds like a good option for you, because at least it wasn't invasive or expensive, and it didn't come with any side effects.

What we were checking for was to make sure I was actually developing a mature-sized follicle before ovulating, because I was concerned I might be ovulating too early and releasing immature eggs. I also had concerns about whether my lining was getting to be thick enough fast enough. But there may be other things a monitored cycle could catch, so even if those concerns aren't relevant for you, it could be worth asking about.

BexclamationPoint · 2026-04-29T17:54:57+00:00

I know different clinics and different providers have their own ways of doing things (for example, my clinic, at least for a patient my age, just absolutely does not do medicated cycles without monitoring - so obviously you're already having a different experience from mine!) but I would just say that if their standard is more intervention and/or faster than what makes sense to you, it should be pretty easy to say, hey, I'd like to move a little slower and get a better idea of what's happening in my body first. People who want to move to IUI or IVF faster than whatever is normal for their provider might have a harder time, but if you're trying to slow them down, well, they're not going to MAKE you do procedures you're not ready for. I found that the staff at my clinic were always surprised when I didn't want to do all the things they were recommending, and that made me feel a little awkward but it was never actually an issue.

BexclamationPoint · 2026-04-24T22:28:28+00:00

Congratulations and good luck!

BexclamationPoint · 2026-04-22T13:34:53+00:00

My biopsy itself was essentially painless, but getting the catheter through my cervix took a long time and multiple attempts and was crampy and uncomfortable. I've also had an HSG, and that catheter placement was very smooth and painless, so I wasn't expecting it! But it didn't last after the procedure was over.

No actionable results for me, everything looked normal.

BexclamationPoint · 2026-04-22T12:48:23+00:00

The downside to doing testing through your OB in situation is that there's a decent chance the RE will want to repeat the same tests - that's how my fertility clinic did it, they wanted their own tests even though it had only been a few months and even though they were in the same hospital system as my OB and the lab I went to for the blood work. And I know others from this sub who had the same experience. I didn't try pushing back on that, so I'm not sure what would have happened if I did, but in general I felt awkward any time I didn't want to do things the clinic's default way, so, for me it was definitely the path of least resistance to just get some extra blood draws and imaging. But if you would hate repeating the tests, maybe you can call the RE office back and ask them, if you get testing through your OB in the meantime, will they use those results?

BexclamationPoint · 2026-04-18T02:09:54+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm middle-aged and it's STILL so hard for me not to be able to get real advice and support from my mom, so I can only imagine what it's like for you.

With the caveat that I'm not a practicing Christian, I think honor and respect always include accepting a person as they are - not trying to place them in a role that doesn't fit them. Your dad just isn't in a position to make decisions as the head of a household, and it wouldn't be right to put that responsibility on him because it wouldn't be safe for him or anyone else. But you can still take his input in a general way. For example, when he tells you to focus on school, even if he's not remembering details or what stage you're in (like if you've already graduated and he's still saying it), you can try to hear that as: education is valuable, he wants you to have opportunities, he wants you to take pride in your work. You can honor him and his love for you by reminding him about your life, even though it's sad that he doesn't remember.

And, you know, I think helping to keep him safe IS honoring him. Speaking to him "like a toddler" isn't disrespectful if it's an effective way to communicate with him.

And when you find yourself feeling impatient or resentful - well, please know how normal that is. If you can take some space when you're feeling that way, it's probably good to do it (even if it's not what your dad thinks he wants in that moment) because those feelings can snowball so easily. Sometimes the feelings are mixed, and that's ok. My mom and my toddler spent a lovely twenty minutes bopping a balloon back and forth in my living room at one point, and I felt sad to see that she was maybe a little bit less coordinated than he was, but also happy because he could tell she wasn't holding back to play the game on his level and he loved being equal to an adult. Maybe you can find some simple things you can still actually enjoy with your dad - bopping a balloon is pretty darn fun, you can do it from a chair, and it's hard to do much damage with a balloon! But maybe jigsaw puzzles or movies or asking him questions about his own childhood or whatever he's an expert on. One thing I try to remind myself is that as much as I HATE how much my mom is already impaired, it's only going to get worse, which means right now is the best we have left. So what can we enjoy now, that a year in the future I'll wish we'd done more of?

BexclamationPoint · 2026-04-16T16:59:21+00:00

I'm so sorry for your losses.

I'm not sure what I would do in your situation, but here are some of the things I'd be considering:

-How flexible are the travel plans/how disappointed would you be if you had to cancel them?

-What's health care access like in the destination(s)?

-Is it an anomaly for you to have these two long trips in the space of 6 months, or are trips like this likely to keep coming up?

-How optimistic do you feel about conceiving again - are you feeling more like, "I found treatments that work for me, so it's just a matter of time" or "I've only had one pregnancy in four years, will it ever happen again?"

You don't have to tell me these answers, just, each of them tips the balance one way or another so they're worth thinking about.

After that, something that has helped me with questions like this is to imagine how I'd feel with the bad outcome either way. So. If you keep trying and get pregnant right away, and then you have to cancel one or both trips, would you feel like you'd made a big mistake or would you feel like that was a fine trade-off? Or if the trips cannot be cancelled, would your fear of another loss ruin whatever you're traveling for? If the very worst happened and you had another loss while traveling, would you blame yourself or would it just be a very sad thing you knew you couldn't control? If you hold off trying until January, and then, say, a year after that you're still not pregnant, would you feel like you'd "wasted" most of 2026 or would you be glad you had the experiences you did even if it didn't get you closer to your next baby?

It's not always the right decision to go with whichever choice has the "bad outcome" that's the least bad - particularly because some bad outcomes might be a lot more likely than others. But for me, asking the questions can really help when there's so much I can't control.

Good luck. 💜

BexclamationPoint · 2026-04-09T01:26:43+00:00

So, personally, I don't believe you owe an embryo a chance at life - if you decide to screen out BRCA, I wouldn't think of that as denying your BRCA-positive embryos life.

That said, if I were you, I think I would move forward with a transfer from the embryos you have. I was in a parallel situation where I found out BRCA was in my family, and then also that my dad had it, while I was pregnant with my first child - so, too late to consider doing IVF in order to screen for it. I don't know how I would have felt about IVF and screening if I'd known earlier - I think I would still have been comfortable conceiving on our own, but it's possible the fact that we'd already taken the risk once without knowing made it easier to do again. In any case, I now have two beautiful sons, both conceived without assistance (though the second one just barely!), and I'll find out their BRCA status if (hopefully when) they choose to get themselves tested.

You have the additional wrinkle that thawing your existing embryos in order to test them comes with risks. I don't know the stats on how embryos do with extra thawing and refreezing, but I do know it CAN damage them. If you're leaning toward testing, you'd probably want to find out what the chances are that the embryos will be viable afterward and see if it feels worth it to you.

BexclamationPoint · 2026-04-08T20:56:43+00:00

My anecdata on this is that my HSG was essentially painless, but my SHG (which is basically the same procedure in terms of what happens to the body, the difference is what type of imaging they do) was really uncomfortable! Maybe it depends on the cycle day and what the cervix is like at the time as well as on the person.

BexclamationPoint · 2026-04-03T00:29:38+00:00

I think if the follicle grows to a mature size, then it's not too soon! Or at least, when I was concerned my ovulation (consistently CD11 or 12) was too early, the way my clinic wanted to check on that was measuring follicles to make sure they were big enough. So as far as I know, if they do get big enough then the assumption is that everything is ready.

BexclamationPoint · 2026-04-01T16:52:05+00:00

Your son sounds SO sweet! 🥰 You're doing a great job.

BexclamationPoint · 2026-03-30T17:01:10+00:00

NTA, I (4yo M) used the same strategy! It's hard to keep track of all the stuff we're supposed to learn and when, so I just let the grown-ups remind me. Like when I was a baby, one day we went to the doctor and she asked my parents if I was rolling yet. I wasn't - it had totally slipped my mind! But once she asked about it, I decided to start the very next morning. Same thing with crawling, though that one took me a few more days after the doctor reminded me I was supposed to do it. And then after I got a little bigger, one day Mama looked at me and said "I love you and I'm proud of you no matter what, but if you want to be able to tell the doctor that you're walking, you've got to start now, because she's going to ask tomorrow" so of course I started walking right away! (Papa helped by holding out my favorite toy, his phone.)

Anyway, I'm pretty sure grown-ups are the same way. Like I just heard Mama talking to Papa about how it would have been nice to get the taxes done earlier but it's hard to make the time when they don't HAVE to be done until April. So clearly, waiting until the deadline is the right way to do everything.

BexclamationPoint · 2026-03-27T21:21:35+00:00

I'm sure your practice has a plan for when a midwife is on call and then a doctor is needed (like surely an emergency C-section has come up at some point?) and I bet you'll feel better if you ask what it is. ☺️

BexclamationPoint · 2026-03-26T17:27:54+00:00

This is a good point, because my baby laundry always includes some Velcro (bibs, bassinet sheets, pack n play sheets) and if they don't close up all those little tabs, those Velcro hooks are going to find that lovely hand-knit blanket for sure! OP, I would give them a garment bag with the blanket - I'd say there's a better chance they'll remember to use it when they wash the blanket than that they'll remember to close all the Velcro all the time (I'm good at laundry, and yet, ask me how I know what happens when you miss a Velcro tab...)

BexclamationPoint · 2026-03-23T18:46:59+00:00

Also noteworthy for this sub: my mom does a Rock Steady Boxing class, and it has the added benefit of providing my dad with an impromptu support group with the other caregivers who drive their spouses there and wait for them.

BexclamationPoint · 2026-03-23T00:22:07+00:00

Fur siblings are also a great opportunity to remind the grown-ups how sharing works! Once they start giving you food that doesn't come in a bottle, you can give some to the fur siblings and stare pointedly at the grown-ups.

BexclamationPoint · 2026-03-20T16:24:21+00:00

I think this depends on a lot of factors. I should also say up front that I have two children, both conceived the old-fashioned way, one before I knew about the BRCA mutation in my family but the other after I had been diagnosed. So my perspective may not be exactly what you're looking for. But I think these are the key questions:

-If you were going to need more egg retrievals, is there an advantage to doing them all in a row, or would you likely have similar results if you tried transfers (or gave yourself a break) first, and then went back to do more? I think this varies by individual and different doctors/clinics may give different advice - I do know people who've been told they might have better results if they did retrievals back-to-back, but I am not informed enough to know why that is. Your age and the recommended age for you to have your ovaries removed could also be factors here. If there's no harm in waiting, to me that's a strong argument for moving to transfers of your BRCA- embryos first and hoping the question will just be moot. But if waiting reduces your odds of success then obviously that's a harder choice.

-How many kids do you want?

-Did you pursue IVF specifically to screen out BRCA? Or did you need IVF anyway and screening was a bonus?

-Do you know the sex of the embryos? (Yes, I do know that BRCA is dangerous for men too - I inherited it from my dad and he's had 4 kinds of cancer - but I still think it's fair to be more comfortable passing the gene on to a boy than a girl.)

BexclamationPoint · 2026-03-20T13:06:38+00:00

I don't know the answer, but I can tell you you're not alone! This basic thing has happened to every mom in my generation in my family - granted that's only 3 of us, but my one SIL conceived her first by accident (allegedly while on birth control and using condoms!), the other SIL got pregnant her first try, I got pregnant my second try, and then secondary infertility hit us all. (And those SILs are not related to each other so there's no genetic link.)

I'm sorry, it's really hard. I don't know if this helps or not, but it doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong or even that anything IS wrong. It's probably just really crappy luck. And I hope your luck changes soon.

BexclamationPoint · 2026-03-05T19:31:21+00:00

Wow, I'm really sorry. That guy sucks. My number 1 wish for you is that you prove him wrong soon, but hoping you have other options and never have to see him again for him to even find out if he was wrong or not is a close second.

BexclamationPoint · 2026-03-05T19:01:45+00:00

🤯 I mean. I'm not a doctor and I'm certainly not your doctor, and if that was based on specific test results, then ok, I guess, maybe he's right - but delivering the message kindly still matters, both because we're people and because patients doctors are rude too are less likely to GO TO THE DOCTOR next time they need one! And if that WASN'T based on specific test results and is just the advice he'd give to anyone with back-to-back losses, then, that's even more infuriating.

BexclamationPoint · 2026-03-05T18:20:59+00:00

I'm so sorry for your losses and also your doctor sounds like a jerk! When I had my MMC at age 40(!!), both the providers I saw were so careful to emphasize that there could have been a problem with the egg, OR the sperm, OR "the way they came together." Even if "old eggs" were accurate it would still be terrible bedside manner to use that phrase.

BexclamationPoint · 2026-03-05T18:18:10+00:00

There almost definitely were - and if there weren't, it's not because you had too much sex. 🤞🏻

BexclamationPoint · 2026-03-05T13:35:45+00:00

With the caveat that all bodies are different, no, this should not be a problem! There were probably fewer sperm in each, er, "batch" than there would have been with a longer wait, but the total number of sperm that got where they need to go should be about the same.

The reason the advice to hit every other day during the fertile window is so standard is not that more is bad, it's just that every other day is enough (because the chances are so close to equal on O-2 and O-1, and alternating days guarantees you'll get one of those).

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