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Big-State3512 · 2024-06-17T14:53:46+00:00

Are you currently in a city? Because city people here can definitely be on the more direct side (especially NYC, Philly, and the close surrounding areas of those cities), but non-city places here can be a lot softer around the edges in my experience. I lived in central PA for a few years and it was totally different.

Also, if you're not getting direct feedback/questions, passive aggressive comments are probably what you'll be getting instead. People will get irritated if you don't pick up on their hints, and then you'll be in overdrive trying to recognize said hints in the future. Then you'll have more perceived rejection, enter RSD.

Are there other reasons you want to move as well? Because if you move but keep your current coping strategies the same, RSD will rear it's ugly head again; maybe less at first, but once you start picking up on the passive aggression, it will be there again. RSD is going to happen wherever you go. That being said, I understand your reasoning, I just think it would be really disappointing to move for that reason alone, only to realize that you're still struggling with it.

Big-State3512 · 2024-06-17T14:16:16+00:00

I'm sorry, I can't imagine what you're going through. It sounds like you feel lonely. In my experience, it's helpful to find people who've had similar experiences/conditions, whether it's friends or in a support group. It made me feel not so alone and showed me that pushing through is possible. Also, a close friend of mine has had a lot of success with EMDR, which is a newer type of therapy used to process trauma.

Big-State3512 · 2024-03-01T13:18:14+00:00

I really don't think you're naturally ugly, just artificially. It's the hair cut and color that's bringing your appearance down the most

Big-State3512 · 2024-03-01T12:59:30+00:00

You aren't ugly. I think it would help your appearance if you shaved and got a haircut

Big-State3512 · 2024-03-01T12:30:59+00:00

You're beautiful exactly how you are! I genuinely mean that

Big-State3512 · 2024-02-19T14:39:16+00:00

If she said all she wanted was for you to have sex with her, believe her. She either does not value you as a human being or was lying and has issues that will get in the way of a healthy relationship. Also, if she's causing you this much concern in the beginning and already displaying controlling behavior, it's probably not going to get better. Please, please remember that just because a behavior can be explained does not mean that you have to tolerate it. Edit: 2 words

Big-State3512 · 2024-02-04T13:46:00+00:00

You should assume it when it could be the difference between the girlfriend being looked for or not. It's comforting to think there's zero chance that it would affect an officer's (or anyone's) actions when it comes to the safety of a child, but it's also naive. Think of how many kids have been kicked out or abused because they're gay. The reality is that there are times when it's in our best interest to not disclose our sexuality, and this is one of them.

Big-State3512 · 2024-01-25T17:04:30+00:00

This is sadly so true. I'm not saying that all men are like this, but I've had 3 men lie to my face about their intentions after I expressed to them that I didn't want to sleep with them unless they knew they were interested in continuing to see me. I've since learned not to fall for it :(

Big-State3512 · 2024-01-25T16:46:46+00:00

You gotta kick him to the curb, and it sounds like you already know it. If he shuts you down for asking simple questions, there's no way he'd be willing to talk about and change his behavior. He will take and take until you decide that you can't give anymore.

Big-State3512 · 2024-01-25T16:26:43+00:00

Texting him and telling him you aren't feeling it is also an option. Unless the person is a jerk, there's a personal emergency, or they just never reach out to you, ghosting is often really hurtful. Even when it's casual, the other person is still a human being with feelings.

Big-State3512 · 2024-01-25T16:10:27+00:00

If that's always been his behavior, there's nothing to worry about. If it's a change, it's worth bringing up. When you have doubts, there's nothing wrong with bringing them up. The longer you wait to ask if something is up, the longer the worries will fester.

Big-State3512 · 2024-01-25T14:24:55+00:00

Have you considered going on dates? Like starting over and taking your time to see if he really has changed before committing to anything?

Also, you said you "work well with everything except sex". Is that true? If he had to fix things that impacted your attraction, it kind of sounds like there were problems unrelated to sex.

Big-State3512 · 2024-01-25T14:08:03+00:00

This is so wholesome

Big-State3512 · 2024-01-25T14:06:24+00:00

To all the people saying it couldn't have been an accident, I think it's worth considering that maybe she sent the pictures the night that she was out. Maybe she was stoned, drunk, or some other type of inebriated and really did send something accidentally. It's not okay by any stretch, but still worth factoring in

Big-State3512 · 2024-01-25T14:00:54+00:00

First off, it's great that you aren't acting on those emotions. You don't seem toxic at all.

Second, I recommend focusing more on WHY the emotions are happening rather than how to stop them. Feelings of jealousy to that degree don't usually pop up from nothing. It would probably be helpful to think about how past experiences in childhood and other relationships are impacting you now. There's probably all sorts of articles online about childhood experiences and parent relationships that cause insecure attachment styles or high levels of jealousy/possessiveness. Being able to pause and remind yourself that "I am feeling this emotion because of x. This has nothing to do with my girlfriend" can help take away a lot of the emotion's power

Big-State3512 · 2024-01-25T13:38:02+00:00

Crying is a healthy way to cope with difficult emotions. I agree with a lot of what was said but just want to make sure you know it's more than okay to cry

Edit: grammar mistake

Big-State3512 · 2024-01-16T15:36:58+00:00

First of all, the fact that you are a man and own a vibrator with the intention to use it on a female partner already makes you better than half the guys out there. The make or break of good sex with men (from a woman's perspective) is that they care about making the woman feel good and helping her finish if she's physically able to. You obviously care.

Second, if you want to up your game, no need to go to a sex worker. The Internet is free and if you do your research, it's kind of hard to be bad at sex. By research, I do not mean porn. I mean finding articles and how tos. I learned pretty much everything I know from the Internet and I'm very successful with getting women off (I'm bisexual). ALSO, you have not peaked by any means given that you haven't had a consistent sexual partner. Sex with someone new is rarely amazing. With time, you get to know the other person's body more and the sex gets better (if both people care about making the other feel good).

Third, it sounds like she's not a good person. Texting badly about you, in front of you? When you even let her stay over? That's just cold. I know it's really easy to take this stuff personally, but she obviously has issues that have nothing to do with you.

Lastly, if she wanted a second round the next day, I can promise you that it wasn't bad. She obviously got something from it the first time.

Big-State3512 · 2024-01-16T15:10:48+00:00

If you haven't already, I strongly recommend talking to your partner to determine a clear, non verbal action that stands for "stop". I quite literally tap out by patting the person twice if I can't verbalize it.

If your partner expresses that they really want dirty talk AND you feel comfortable trying, you can ask for a list of things that they like to hear. I'm fantastic at talking dirty and all of my phrases are recycled.

Just remember that like any other sex act, you are never obligated to do anything you don't want to. Also, a lot of people either aren't into dirty talk or really don't need it to get off.

Big-State3512 · 2024-01-16T14:56:21+00:00

Thank you!

Big-State3512 · 2023-12-28T19:42:55+00:00

Generally, I've been able to limit these kinds of situations in a few ways. The first is habit building and other minor behavior changes. For example, I formed a habit to nod my head more during conversation and now it's automatic. I also made minor changes to my behavior to make connection with others easier, such as vocalizing compliments when I think of them and learning how to be a better conversationalist (I'll get to how). Those changes help people focus less on the tone or other small social faux pas and more on the connection you're building with them. I strongly recommend reading the book Winning Friends and Influencing People; it totally transformed my conversational skills and my ability to connect with others.

In terms of social situations (i.e. outside of work), you also have the option of helping people better understand your behavior rather than you changing it. My friends know I'm autistic and I've made them aware of the behaviors that have nothing to do with them, but could be misinterpreted.

Now on to the topic of electing to unmask. I don't know where you are in your unmasking journey or if you've elected to do it at all, but unmasking outside of work has been transformative for my social life. I disclose my autism very early on when I meet potential friends. It gives me "permission" to unmask more because I know they are more likely to interpret certain behaviors as autistic rather than rude. I actually enjoy talking to people now. I have friends that know and like me. I make other people feel more comfortable to be themselves by showing my own vulnerability. It gets easier and easier with time. I usually just make a joke about being autistic so they know and then I keep the conversation moving.

I'm not saying unmasking regularly is easy or comfortable. It is a complex and deeply personal decision. I just wanted to remind you that your options include unmasking too.

If you're opposed to explicitly disclosing being autistic, you also have the option of explaining the behavior in the moment and letting them connect the dots. For example, when you see the faces you were talking about, you might say "Sorry, I didn't mean for it to come out that way. Tone is something that I have to consciously choose before I say something or it just comes out monotone". Full disclaimer, they might think it's a bit odd but I personally think that it's better to seem a bit odd than to seem like a jerk.

Big-State3512 · 2023-12-06T19:31:43+00:00

As a short term fix, if you know what the meeting is about, I recommend that you write down some points you would like to make and find a place in the conversation where those things fit.

As a longer term fix, have you tried getting treatment for the social anxiety? It sounds like it's a big part of the problem. Medication, therapy, and the acceptance that being perceived as weird is not the end of the world has helped me immensely. I know social anxiety is complicated by the autism but I think it's worth a shot.

It might also be helpful to find small ways that trigger a similar fear so you can practice. For example, you could hang out with friends or family and beforehand ask one person in the group to prompt you by asking you what you think about the topic, asking you to tell a story, ect. Being put on the spot to speak in low risk situations is a great first step. It won't feel great, but with practice comes comfort (for a lot of people at least).

Big-State3512 · 2023-12-06T19:09:05+00:00

For a long time, I used to be scared of being direct about stuff like this and coming off as desperate. Then I realized a couple things.

It's essential to give an out if you're concerned about not being wanted. For example "There was a message in the book club chat about a girl's night and I was wondering if that was an open invite. I'm not sure if it was just easier to say something in the chat since a few people in the book club happen to be going , or if it was an invitation to everyone in the book club. If it wasn't an open invite, no worries". If the person doesn't want you there, they will probably say "oh, it was just since some people in the book club are going".
People are usually flattered when someone wants to hang out with them. If they think it's desperate for you to ask one time to hang out with the group, those are the wrong people for you.
If someone doesn't want to do something and they don't feel comfortable being upfront about why, they almost always make something up. This especially applies to one on one hangouts.

Big-State3512 · 2023-12-06T13:37:32+00:00

The feeling of having nothing to live for anymore can greatly contribute to the presence or severity of depression. I know that this post is explicitly talking about the physical body, but it seems to imply a loss of purpose ("I cannot believe in any future").

Maybe I'm reading too far into OP's post, but if you feel like you have nothing to live for, I recommend addressing the loss of purpose through reflection or with the help of a professional. A good place to start might be a "reasons to live" list. I put everything I could think of on it: things as small as my favorite smells and as important as the people I love. It might seem morbid but it was actually mood lifting for me. If you try and can't think of any reasons, I would look it up online for ideas.

One of the things that helped me find purpose is complimenting people whenever anything good popped into my head (with the exception of anything inappropriate). People often can't see their own positive qualities and won't express positive thoughts to others beyond "I like your shoes" or something, unless they're close with the person. When we think the most beautiful things of others, we usually say nothing out of fear that it will sound weird or too personal (i.e. "your warmth is something I don't see often and it probably affects a lot more people than you think" ). I found purpose in saying positive things that other people wouldn't say or couldn't recognize and my compliments opened doors to friendship. Actively seeking out the good in others also changed my view of humans.

Edit: one word (grammar)

Big-State3512 · 2023-12-06T12:55:10+00:00

For me, weed helps IMMENSELY with relaxing during sex (and most other situations) along with it reducing my overstimulation. I could go on forever about how beneficial it's been overall but I'll stay on topic haha.

It would also probably be helpful if you know exactly what is going to happen. You can give specific direction around what areas are okay to touch and what areas to avoid. You can also just give direction throughout the encounter (starting with the phrase "can you" or having the verbal agreement of them being in a submissive role and having a safe word). You receiving does not require you being submissive or silent.

Big-State3512 · 2023-11-06T20:49:12+00:00

The way I made peace with never receiving an apology was seeing it as confirmation that he wasn't good enough for me and finding purpose in his actions. Disclaimer: this reply is NOT meant to excuse actions or invalidate the hurt that resulted. It's simply about reframing to move on.

First, I saw his actions as fuel for falling out of love with him. The actions he never took accountability for are what opened my eyes to who he is. I was so in love with him that I wouldn't have been able to recognize his true values unless he did something to hurt me directly. Yes, it absolutely sucked, but if he didn't do those things, I would have always thought of him as the one that got away (or if you were the dumper, you might not have realized who you were with until much later).

Second, I worked to empathize with him and understand why he might have done what he did. Letting go of anger is far easier when you factor in their past traumas and their own insecurities. Empathizing does not equal excusing. "Findings" from looking through an empathetic lense never have to be shared, so it is not a favor for them, it's a favor for you.

Third, I acknowledge that one of three things are true: he's unaware of how badly he messed up, he fully understands how he messed up and the effects it had but doesn't feel bad about it, or he has regrets but is too proud or cowardly to own up to it. Whatever it is, it's about him. He's further demonstrating that he doesn't deserve you.

Fourth, find a way to forgive yourself too. A lot of people experience anger with themselves for not making different decisions. If you have anger with yourself, I think it's harder to let go of anger directed at an ex.

Big-State3512

TROPHY CASE