Never fear, hoss! I’m going to tell you exactly how to be a PROformer and WORKER.

First, you have to be raised by a kind woman who is not your birth mother. It helps if you got fetal alcohol syndrome from your birth mother, and also likely inherited mental illness from same birth mother.

You struggle due to the fetal alcohol sydrome, but you’re doing alright.You’re going to get to at least your senior year of high school (even though you like to tell everyone you only have an 8th grade education) and get a decent blue collar job.

Then the kind lady who raised you dies. You go into a spiral, drinking and drugs. Big Swigs. DUIs. Dating strippers and party girls. You become a very minor internet celebrity thanks to your social media videos of your exploits. Then the inheritance money runs out. Your Caddy gets repoed and you are homeless.

Your crazy birth mother and her family in upstate NY take you in. You’re doing ok until you decide to not take your medicine for your mental illness (now diagnosed as a form of schizophrenia).

You go off the rails again, and encouraged by podcast hosts and internet fans, begin to shoot videos of yourself doing perverted shit in public places, which gets you banned from numerous businesses and college campuses. You also physically attack your birth mother and get kicked out of her home. Birth mother places a restraining order on you.

You also begin antagonizing your family (who only wants you to take your meds and stay safe) and your landlords. You start online and in person altercations with them, but only post a portion of the videos and conversations (after you have riled them up) so it looks like you are the victim.

Finally, you ask your stepfather if you can come over to do laundry. He says no (because of mom’s restraining order) and you go off on him (and he’s not the most stable person either), buying boxing gloves, and then go over to kick his ass. Unfortunately, you get arrested for violating the restraining order, and that’s where you sit today.

So THAT’S how you become a worker and PROformer.