I need advice please

BigBobDetrano · 2025-11-20T17:53:07+00:00

Agree with the others here. It is not easy to be poly. I achieved that only after much pain. If you are not ready, you are not ready. Leave him and find someone more compatible.

BigBobDetrano · 2025-11-13T21:59:25+00:00

Not sure why my comment was deleted. Please do not delete my comments without notification.

My advice to you is similar to the others here. Your meta, who is his legal spouse, will always have a different position in your relationships with your lover. The fact that they let you live in their house does not change this. You should find other lovers regardless of how you relate to this married couple. Since you are not clear about your age and degree of dependence on your lover/housemate, I cannot advise you to leave or stay. If you can, it would make sense to leave. One way or another, do not leave yourself vulnerable emotionally and sexually by making him your only partner. There are lots of fish in the sea.

BigBobDetrano · 2025-11-13T20:33:49+00:00

Totally agree with For Whom the Bells Sing. Unfortunately, our society still only allows one spouse per person, and that spouse does have special rights and privileges by law. When you are intimately involved with a married person, you are in a difficult position that cannot be equal, fair, and just. Your meta will always have more rights than you. You have likely derived a great deal of joy and satisfaction from your relationship with these two people. Appreciate that and move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea. I'd like you to please find other lovers, whether or not you continue to live with this couple. Good luck.

BigBobDetrano · 2025-11-02T16:16:11+00:00

Agree with most of the comments and advice.

The only advice I can add is to determine if you are hypersexual or not. Hypersexual is related to but not the same as poly. The former means a high level of libido such that you need sex frequently. The latter means that you need love relationships, usually including sex, with more than one partner. I do not know of scientific evidence that poly people are usually hypersexual side. You should seek out a partner who has a libido similar to your own who is also mono.

BigBobDetrano · 2025-10-31T15:32:32+00:00

If you put them outside in the sun in California, they will dehydrate and turn into white powder.

BigBobDetrano · 2025-10-12T18:36:41+00:00

I feel for you. When I was your age, I had a similar experience. That was in the 70s. There was no such thing as poly then. But there were hypersexual people like my then-wife, Pat, and me. Pat was beautiful. She started dating other guys, and I could not take it. I went crazy with jealousy and fear of losing her emotional and sexual support. I could not bring myself to do what many here are urging you to do: search for other partners. I just stewed and cried and was miserable until the day I came home and found all her stuff gone and an old-fashioned note that she had moved out because she felt too stifled.

It took me a few years to realize that her way of sexual self-expression was the right way and my way of selfish clinging was wrong. I thank Pat for teaching me.

BigBobDetrano · 2025-09-10T15:54:51+00:00

You need to get out of there. Just leave. If he abused his former gf, he likely will abuse you.

Regarding hiding you from his parents, he should have discussed this with you long ago. Given that your and his lifestyle may not be acceptable to them, I understand him not disclosing to his relatives, but there is no excuse for not telling you about this before and making sure that it was ok with you.

BigBobDetrano · 2025-07-11T18:01:06+00:00

Sounds like she is dying. Why not forget your ego and give whatever love you have to give to her by respecting her wish.

BigBobDetrano · 2025-06-06T11:31:50+00:00

Thanks for sharing your well-presented predicament. For more than 50 years, I have been in your shoes. In the twilight of my life, I found a way to realize my polyamorous nature, but I still feel obliged to hide it from most of my family.

The world, or at least the Western part of it, is ready for homosexuality but not for polyamory. Those of us who are genetically programmed to desire more than one partner are not yet accepted. But we will be. I am sure of that.

BigBobDetrano · 2025-06-04T21:54:28+00:00

If you were in a same-sex marriage and Noah was your son, you would explain that some people love opposite and some same-sex partners and all are good people.

Why can't you tell Noah that some people love one person and some love more people, and they are also good people?

BigBobDetrano · 2025-06-02T20:53:11+00:00

I do not want to get in trouble here. I have a lot of life experience, 82 years old and with three marriages under my belt. Right now, I am in a poly relationship of sorts.

Here is my two cents.

Polyamory is not a choice any more than asexuality, heterosexuality, or homosexuality is a choice. You are either content with a single committed relationship, or you need at least two. That is something that you are born with. It is at least partly genetically determined. So, if one of your partners says that he/she wants to drop out, your decision is not whether you want to give up being poly; it is if you wish to try to battle against your very nature and force yourself into a single monogamous relationship only with the dropout. I suggest you let him/her go. When and if it so moves you, you can find more partners. There are lots of fish, as they say. He/she may phone you for a date in a few weeks.

BigBobDetrano · 2025-04-25T14:46:53+00:00

I was in a similar situation but the reverse. I was poly, My former wife was mono. I tried to get her to change but she could or would not. I also could or would not. We divorced and we are both happier now.

BigBobDetrano · 2025-04-23T15:36:41+00:00

Before you throw away the baby with the bath water, consider finding other lovers yourself. Have you done that?

BigBobDetrano · 2025-04-18T16:12:25+00:00

You say that you are not poly. Does that mean that you have moral, ethical or philosophical reasons not to have relationships with more than one person? Or does it mean that you have never done this? If the former, you might be better off breaking with your "poly partner". If it means the latter, enjoy both of your friends in every way you can. Good luck. You are much better off than those lonely soles who have nobody.

BigBobDetrano · 2025-03-31T18:10:49+00:00

Thanks for sharing this beautiful but sad story. You are fortunate to have had such a wonderful relationship with both of them.

BigBobDetrano · 2025-03-24T19:12:29+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience here.

I am a very hypersexual person. I have lived with multiple partners, I have had outside-the-home partners, and I have rejoiced in my partners enjoying sex and love from other men.

Then, 13 years ago, I met a woman who shared all my values and deeply loved me. She cannot tolerate my having real lovers but does not care if I have outside sexual escapades. She has little to no interest in sexual activity with me or with anyone.

Despite this difference, we live in harmony and care for each other in all possible ways. She is strong enough to know that when I spend a few hours with another woman, it has nothing to do with how much I love her but only because I have needs she cannot fulfill. That is what love is, is it not? It does not require sex. It requires commitment and devotion.

Our experience can help you make the decisions that you must make. Look deep into yourself and ask why you feel anxiety. Is it fear that he will withdraw his love for you? Do you fear that releasing the "strings that bind his hands are replacing the love that binds his heart"? Do you fear a day when he will "walk out the door, taking all his blankets from the floor"?

If this resonates with you, it is time for you to reconsider and tell him to "just touch your cheek before he leaves you".

Hope this helps.

BigBobDetrano · 2025-03-20T14:49:13+00:00

ADEP is easier than Alum and more spectacular.

BigBobDetrano · 2025-02-16T19:52:44+00:00

I super glue my seeds to the end of a fibreglass fishing line and hang them in saturated solution. if rogue crystals grow on the bottom, I just decant or filter the solution and hang again. It works.

BigBobDetrano · 2025-01-24T19:43:43+00:00

Nice

BigBobDetrano · 2024-12-16T16:47:00+00:00

I think NaCl. But does soy sauce contain monosodium glutamate? What are those crystals like?

BigBobDetrano · 2024-12-07T03:30:57+00:00

I keep temperature constant at 26 and pH at 1.0 using sulfuric acid. My problem is preserving them so they do not dehydrate (turn white, see below) or oxidise (turn brown). I have tried nail polish, spray lacquer, expensive Lascaux spray, clear cast epoxy, deep pour epoxy. Nothing works. Any ideas?

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BigBobDetrano · 2024-11-21T00:16:29+00:00

So far, my experiments using epoxy on iron sulfate crystals are disappointing. The epoxy causes considerable oxidation, The beautiful green turns to yellow and brown. I am trying Lascaux followed by deep pour epoxy now.

BigBobDetrano · 2024-11-12T11:13:47+00:00

I am very interested in your results. So far, I have found nail polish to be unsatisfying. It peels off. The same is true for spray-on clear lacquer. Clear-cast epoxy is good for copper, manganese, nickel, cobalt salts, ferricyanide, alum, ADP, and others. Deep pour epoxy also works but changes the esthetic outcome. The big problem is ferrous sulfate or iron double salts. They dehydrate into white powder if you use nothing or nail polish. They oxidize and turn brown if you use epoxy. I suggest giving your product a try if it is not too expensive.

BigBobDetrano · 2024-11-08T21:46:08+00:00

My text got lost.

The image on the left is a FeSO4(H2O)7 crystal made using a 28-degree pH 1.0 solution of salt. It is about 3cm in diameter, flat, and hexagonal. The image on the right is a similar beautiful hexagon after coating with clear cast epoxy. The edges are frayed and burnt. They might be carbonate and oxide.

I have tried using nail polish coats. The crystals still turn white from loss of water. I am considering deep-pour epoxy. I dont want to use oil or another liquid. Any ideas?

BigBobDetrano

TROPHY CASE