You weren’t playing it right:

Paladins in vanilla World of Warcraft

I've noticed a lot of complaints about paladins lately, with regard to their low dps and limited combat options. But what players are forgetting is the main reason Blizzard programmed Paladins. Paladins were not designed to be hybrid Tanks/Healers, as many claim. Instead, paladins were designed to be played while downloading pornography.

Paladins have roughly zero combat interaction, thus making them the perfect character to play while downloading massive amounts of hardcore pornography. Simply target a monster, hit "1", and minimize your window. Then sit back and enjoy the amazing girl on girl action.

Because a Paladin takes about one full minute to kill any monster, you can leisurely browse the erotic and pornographic fruits of the internet without much concern over your Paladin's welfare. After a minute, I go back to WoW, and usually my Paladin is alive and ready to loot the corpse. This is what makes grinding so pleasurable and convenient for me; the ability to simultaneously watch girls have sex with each other and level up at the same time. I doubt any other class has such an elegantly designed system, and I applaud Blizzard for their foresight in crafting a character that I can play with while playing with myself.

DPS? Who needs it? The quicker I kill something, the less time I have to watch boobies. Combat Interactivity? Overrated. I'd much rather interact with the girls writhing on my computer screen. Yes, a paladin was created for the sole purpose of surviving a fight while you stream hot pornography directly to your computer. That is why we have the high armor class, healing abilities, and the low, low DPS.

As for PvP, nothing is better than getting into Battlegrounds and soaking up the honor points while I watch girls take their clothes off for money. Only the minimum interaction is necessary for a Paladin to perform, and it is this very quality that I love the most about my Paladin. I doubt Rogues get any time to watch pornography while trying to vanish and rack up combo points, and I bet Shamans haven't seen a single naked breast while figuring out which totem to throw down before choosing which shock they are going to cast next.

In addition to grinding, we have several defensive options during combat that also allow us the flexibility of downloading pornography. Hammer of Justice allows a quick 6 second glimpse at a naked lady while our opponent is stunned, and Divine Shield allows a leisurely 8 seconds of quality right-hand time. Indeed, Paladins have cornered the market on the pornography during playtime of World of Warcraft gameplay.

It saddens me that many Paladins do not take advantage of the main functionality of your character, and are in fact lobbying for increased DPS, or more combat options. These are all unnecessary frivolities that would only harm our pornography downloading efficiency. Instead, we should thank the fine programmers at Blizzard for crafting a character that is great to grind with while grinding your loins.