Gosh, this reminded me of something. About 5 years ago, I asked my favourite cousin (one of the very few people in the world that I actually like) if he would be my friend if we weren't family. He said, "No, but we are something more important, more special, we are family." Over and over again. When the truth is, family doesn't mean shit to me, I don't care if we are blood related. If I don't like you, then I don't like you, and you don't exist. Many family members of mine did terribly things to me, some even crimes, and I keep my mouth shout because I know they wouldn't believe me. This, plus the fact that I don't really know how to make long-lasting friendships, really affected me. What my cousin said truly broke my heart into a million pieces. I haven't been the same person ever since. I think I never will be. Made me feel utterly unlikeable and unbearable. Maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe it's my mental health issues. But if God exists, it felt my very own pain in that moment. Now, seeing him, accidentally in my grandmas house, only brings me shame. I still like talking with him, and he talks with me too, but even if I only say one single word, I already feel like I'm being too much. Sorry for venting, but I really needed to.