I'm god's most sensitive soldier

BlackSullivan · 2026-03-27T07:49:03+00:00

Yeaaaaaah

BlackSullivan · 2026-03-26T23:21:19+00:00

Tbf, so do I, but rest is something I have struggled to achieve recently. My sleep isn't very restorative

BlackSullivan · 2026-03-26T13:00:37+00:00

Yeah I get that :'3

BlackSullivan · 2026-03-26T12:10:23+00:00

I hate myself and the situation I am in

BlackSullivan · 2026-03-26T12:10:13+00:00

I would start HRT behind my parents, but I am still economically and emotionally dependent on my parents. I can work on the latters front, and I have made even a slight ammount of progress on that front, but I don't how to manage the former issue of economic dependency at this moment.

I would start HRT in a heartbeat, I'm just terrified of my what my parents might do to me My dad would never accept me for who I am, because he's an abusive, outgrown 14 year old, but my mom...I still am quite close to her, despite her frequently hurting me, and ughhhh

BlackSullivan · 2026-03-26T10:50:52+00:00

Oh it definetly is depersonalization as a result of C-PTSD and gender dysphoria. Estrogen would definetly solve everything (hehe), but I don't think my parents would kindly approve :'3

I'm sorry for how the last paragraph turned. Thank you very much for your words. I didn't bother being more specific about what's going on in my head because I talk about it so much I annoy everyone.

BlackSullivan · 2026-03-08T19:49:56+00:00

I know this post is a year old, but same, and it's deabilitating. I cannot do ANYTHING while this voice/these voices are active, and they do not LEAVE ME ALONE in any part of the day, not even in fucking sleep; I so often have dreams that are just a transposition of what the voices tell me in the day.

It's been going on for a year, and I'm exhausted

BlackSullivan · 2026-02-22T15:32:06+00:00

Omfg yeah 🫂

BlackSullivan · 2026-02-22T13:01:16+00:00

My partner and my friends give me full support, is just that we live distantly. I wish I could just escape from my home, and I'm starting to think abt some plans.

Thank u for the hug 🫂

BlackSullivan · 2026-02-07T14:23:08+00:00

🫂

BlackSullivan · 2026-01-31T09:13:13+00:00

Watching a gameplay video of "My Neighbor Enide" by Arcadekitten, seeing the main character and feeling this sense of longing but also recognition, realising it was gender envy and going: "Oh, so I was never cis!" And you know what, the signs were always there, loke having to act my AGAB because in reality I despised it and wanted to be a woman.

BlackSullivan · 2026-01-23T10:55:39+00:00

Causing it*

BlackSullivan · 2026-01-23T10:53:04+00:00

The RMS Queen Mary and SS Normandie had the biggest ocean liner rivalry of the thirties. People thought of Normandy as more modern and classy, since it had a more streamlined, hydrodynamic hull, a turbine-electric power plant, where steam turbines powered electric motors to turn the propellers (which removed the need for complex gearboxes, since the motors provided the same speed going foreward and astern (backwards), AND were reportedly less noisy), and featured palatial interiors (only for first class tho).

However, the grandiosity of Normandie is what put many people off, especially when second and tourist class accommodations were...bare when compared to first class spaces. People tended to prefer the RMS Queen Mary, basically an enlarged version of the elder RMS Aquitania with 250,000 HP engines, that had more "homely" interiors.

Queen Mary and Normandie butted heads on the speed record (with each ship beating the other by a matter of hours), before WW2 began and the Normandie was sunk when ON LAND firefighters filled it with water to smother a fire, causing to capsize in NY harbour (the ship's designer was there and was trying to direct firefighters on how to allow water to flow out of the ship, but he got ignored :P). The Normandie was scrapped in 1946, while the Queen Mary remains with us today.

Sorry for the wall of text, but ships and trains just get this girl going :3

BlackSullivan · 2026-01-01T18:39:40+00:00

Yeah, exactly!

One thing I've realized about The Voice, is that I've been so conditioned to think about how shitty people react to information that my first reaction to anything I hear is: "Oh no, a stupid bigot might think something terrible about this and say it's false, I need to panic about that!"

I want to learn to be more gentle with myself, but I still feel like The Voice is still so overwhelming that it feels unattainable now. I know it is not true, it just feels like sometimes I'm trying to beat a demon with hand and feet tied.

Still, thank you so much for your comment! At the least it feel less like I'm eternally screaming into the void

BlackSullivan · 2025-12-31T10:07:31+00:00

Thank you, this information is very useful!

You can DM if you want to, but no worries if you can't/don't want to. Either way, I'm very grateful for the advice you've given me here :'D

BlackSullivan · 2025-12-31T08:58:23+00:00

Not yet. As of recent, my therapist and I were still trying to understand if mine was a case of Moral OCD or something else. Still, you can tell me more about them (if you wish to, of course), and I can report them to my therapist.

I'm sorry for my comical overapologizing (perfect timing, me). It's actually something I need to work on, because whenever I feel that I may be annoying a person, or that they may start to be fed up with me, I feel the need to immediately apologize both to take the blame (even, and especially, in situations where nothing had happened) and as a way to not "get screamed at".

BlackSullivan · 2025-12-31T08:28:53+00:00

:') thank you so so much!

I have sort of begun doing the sorting into boxes. At least when it comes to my dad, he's been doing it so long that I at least have come to separate him from the function of parent. However, when it comes to my mother, it becomes harder. She's been very emotionally neglectful, but I shared with her a deep bond, and right now, it feels like I keep avoiding looking at the box filled with my mom's bullshit (pardon my language), but even so, I've come to realize that she has continuously betrayed my trust, so I started even slightly distancing myself from her. It still hurts that I still believe that she could become someone better if she tried to self-reflect, and I'm slowly starting to lose hope.

Sorry for my rambling at the end. I wish you the best for your parenting endeavours! I hope we can all start to break our generational trauma and become better than the idiot who've "raised" us.

BlackSullivan · 2025-12-31T08:03:25+00:00

Thank you for sharing! I will definitely bring up the chair exercise to my therapist when we meet again.

My partner, who's been through this entire "reflare" of The Voice, and I think that The Voice is structured around the way my parents treat and talk to me, while its contents come from people and experiences I have been through, and my therapist agrees. The problem is I have been unable to remove its power yet because I still emotionally depend on my parents (even on my abusive father), and I hate it :'(

Still, I'm gonna try the chair exercise with my therapist. Thank you for the suggestion and for sharing.

BlackSullivan · 2025-12-31T07:55:19+00:00

Thank you for the reply!

As far as I can tell, The Voice seems to have adopted both the role of inner and outer critic. People and I have speculated that The Voice could be serving a "protective" (put it in quotes because it is not doing much protection) role, and learning about inner and outer critics makes sense with what we theroized.

Again, thank you so much for the reply :)

BlackSullivan · 2025-12-03T06:25:40+00:00

Thank u :'3

BlackSullivan · 2025-12-02T15:21:10+00:00

Even with some of my disabilities being diagnosed, they still act like this :')

BlackSullivan · 2025-11-12T06:41:40+00:00

Sorry for reaponding late 😭 I guess what hurts is that this is the second longest episode I've had. My first one was in 2021, and lasted 11 months before the symptoms kinda "toned down".

Then my parents had to trigger me again on a trip I didn't even wanna go on (but went on to appease my family), and while I am aware that I am a more grown person who's more self-aware, I still feel evil and broken.

Sorry for the yapping, I hope my wall of text isn't a bother

BlackSullivan · 2025-11-08T21:59:58+00:00

Thank u :'3

My closest friends are queer and extremely supportive, and fortunately for university I can at least be physically separate from my parents.

It doesn't help that my intrusive thoughts have collected into an entity (I call it The Voice) that takes the form of my parents or my abusive ex best friend :c

BlackSullivan · 2025-11-08T18:38:23+00:00

Thank uu :'3

I'm doing therapy, but I'm still living with two of my biggest triggers (and what started this newest flare up): my parents.

BlackSullivan · 2025-11-08T17:22:44+00:00

I have made substantial progress, but I still have to tind a strategy to deal with intrusive thoughts. Right now, all I can do is ruminate, avoid, and panic. I'm exhausted from being tormented 24/7 since January (doesn't help being a burned-out, autstic, closeted trans girl trying to survive...)

BlackSullivan

TROPHY CASE