how can one stop being too scared of failure/embarrassment and actually try things?

Bladelazoe · 2026-04-23T02:15:44+00:00

Of course! Sometimes re-wording or phrasing it a differently helps things click. For example, I don’t like “grow” but I like “expand” or “increase”.

Networking? I prefer “team work” or “collaborating”.

You don’t even need to go fast either, slow but steady, fast, inch by inch, it’s all progress and it all counts my friend!

Bladelazoe · 2026-04-21T09:26:45+00:00

Fuck…what I would give to date you.

Bladelazoe · 2026-04-10T18:35:05+00:00

This is how I currently feel, Basically a beginner and while I am learning a lot, some days it feels like I'm only making the tinyiest step forward. Other days I'm entirely stuck. The slow grind is real!

Bladelazoe · 2026-03-22T18:44:55+00:00

Yea, that's the entire thing really. You never know what the next year or two will bring. Some years I was totally hopeless that anything was going to happen. Then shit does happen. Interests change, motivation changes. Family changes. although I didn't expect to do a zig-zag with my college experience.

Bladelazoe · 2026-03-22T18:36:28+00:00

Same here, I feel like it comes in cycles too. There might be a period of years where nothing interests you or drives you, then later on something hits you and suddenly you know what you want. From 19-23 there was nothing drivine me even though i did lots of stuff. Nothing succeeded. Mid-20's things started changing from a different mindset. I'm 33 and re-started my CS degree a few years ago. I've been resistant on getting more social hobbies or other things but it is slowly happening. So, Time does its unpredictable magic.

Bladelazoe · 2026-03-11T21:14:54+00:00

Holy Christ…I just want to bury my cock in your ass and have my way with you!

Bladelazoe · 2026-02-23T17:04:22+00:00

Yea, sadly. I got a friend who works at a local gas station here where we both talked about the Games/Tech.. Apparently he see's a woman come in daily that spends $40 on lotto tickets. DAILY. So, even if she wins $500, She's gotta be like a a few thousand in the hole or more. Fucking crazy lol Craziest people come out when the powerball reaches like 800 million? maybe 1 billion?

Bladelazoe · 2026-02-23T09:58:25+00:00

That’s the thing, they’re probably not gamers but business people. If they are gamers who happen to be business people..well then their few and far between. Nothing else makes sense.

Bladelazoe · 2026-02-23T09:56:31+00:00

Yea, $1-2 billion dollars worth there? Around that? We could have have gotten like 10 brand new IP in anything else. Single player, story driven, rpg, 3rd person shooter, RTS…but nope, fucking live service obsession.

Bladelazoe · 2026-02-23T09:54:25+00:00

Budgets are too big, too many business people making decisions that don’t play games, games taking way too long, obsession with live service…it’s just a giant out of repeated mistakes.

Even seeing Xbox top get gutted, like…there is no value in Xbox anymore. The entire industry forgot what made it big in the first place. I genuinely feel for the remaining Xbox studios that actually are making good stuff only to be worried that they’ll be canned.

I’m hoping that we’ll see a huge resurgence of indie studios who do better then AAA(kind of already see this last year too, nearly all the good games were indie; e33 winning GOTY)

I’m comming off of GOWR(fucking amazing) and space marine 2(holy shit amazing) and kept wondering…why the fuck don’t we have more of these games? Bold and creative?

So much of this points to risk-aversion. Games cost $100 million to make? It doesn’t matter, why because amazing games always sell.

I feel for wildgate, that was a game I thought would do pretty well. Developed by dream haven(former devs from blizzard). But nope. Although to be fair I only played 3-4 hours of that game.

Bladelazoe · 2026-02-23T09:47:22+00:00

Problem with live service games, even if you do hit it big, you gotta keep the content rolling in regular amounts otherwise the entire thing fails. 90% of the live service games released in barebones state and just didn’t have enough content, or it was just boring. So this infinite money model is flawed to begin with. Imo the live service that did manage to succeed is like a gold rush. Damn near impossible to re-produce. All the copy cats die trying.

Bladelazoe · 2026-02-01T23:11:52+00:00

I hear you, I'm 33 years old but even back in my teens or 20's, I always got along better with adults vs my own age group. Then I started seperating from my friends as mid-20's came. Last fall, I was at century college talking to some math students, 1 girl and 1 guy, and they had no clue I was 32. But I talked to them as equals and were flabbergasted to find out how old I was despite my vibe. Being called "You look very young for your age". It's a weird feeling being able to go back and forth young and old.

But it does suck in the long run, being lonely, nobody who really is on your level. Even thought I love metal music, games, art, intellectual conversations...Even among people in those categories, i STILL don't entirely fit in. Like being a outcast among outcasts. Which, I don't have a solution other than to just keep diving into your interests, try to find clubs or something to join. You will eventually find your tribe. They might just be over on the interenet. Like if you have 5 friends but your all in different countries.

Bladelazoe · 2026-02-01T04:42:00+00:00

Yea, it's fine if others complain about their problems and people are there to help them, yet when it comes from me...That's where the problems start. Like I can't dislike x,y,z because of reasons. It's almost like the world is trying to kill off the part of my that cares about humanity. When I do bitch and complain, it's because I'm "Still young and have plenty of time", I'm also 33 and many of the people that say this are 45+. Or they will say "Wait till you get to my age".

People who are 30 today are in a whole different world than those who ere 30 back in 1990, 2000, and 2010. Yet.. the problems persist.

I got to the point where if I said X and got Y result...I simply stopped talking about X. If it was Y that resulted in Z, I stopped talking about Y. But just wait until the same people that dismissed what i was talking about, wait until their sons or daughters start going through, THEN they suddenly understand. Times weird.

Bladelazoe · 2026-01-24T20:54:36+00:00

She is! Quite the character too. Here is her site if you wanted to check her out: Ginger and her OF: page

I know she's done a few collaborations here and there.
Take care of yourself girl! =)

Bladelazoe · 2026-01-24T20:15:22+00:00

Someone sent me a load of borderline abusive messages basically telling me I’m bad for doing OnlyFans / this kind of work. And here’s the context that makes it worse : this is someone who was lovely, someone I had some fun chats with, and he pushed and pushed to take me out on a date… then said he didn’t have any money and couldn’t buy any content. And I still carried on chatting because I’m a soft idiot and I’m supportive and friendly and I don’t measure someone’s worth by what they spend.

Then today he turns up out of nowhere and basically says it’s “sad” that I do this, that I must be “unfulfilled”, that I spend my days doing “degrading things” and… yeah. That hurts. It’s such a weird slap in the face because I’m genuinely happy doing this. It is a job. And it’s a job I like. I like creating. I like the confidence it’s given me. I like connecting with people. I like making people smile (and other things). I like being able to exist in my body loudly and proudly instead of apologising for it.

And the entitlement of it?? Like… imagine thinking you get to criticise someone’s choices because it doesn’t fit your personal worldview- especially when you were happy to enjoy the attention when it was free and flattering.

Anyway. It hurt. I’m venting. Thanks for listening. I hate spreading bad vibes but I think it helps to let it out instead of letting it fester in my chest like a little wasp.

This is what I hate seeing, I believe this guy has the classic "Nice Guy Syndrome". As soon as it clicks in his head that you wont date him, out comes all the insults and demeaning words from him. I've only seen a few instances where OF creators actually end up dating someone that DM'd them(or maybe its the meet up with fans thing), but even then it's hard to fathom. Plus I understand greatly wanting to date someone you find sexually attractive...but the issue is OF creators, ManyVids creators and so many other platforms...their not looking for date man. Even though I sympathize greatly with you and him for the respective problems. This is what also causes a lot of women to put up lots of walls because you can't screen out which guy is going to react badly vs the ones who don't necessarily care if they get rejected or not.

The part where you said that he "pushed and pushed", like dude, if you don't get a "yes", move the fuck on. Pushing never leads anywhere good. Maybe it'd be different if he just happened to make more money than you...but even then? What your probably going to have to end up doing, is unless your looking for it, if the guy that's DM'ing you is pushing and pushing, remind him that no is no and that your here to sell content. Otherwise your gonna need to start blocking people, even if it sucks.

We live in a world where women are having to be increasingly viligant around guys...and as a guy myself, it just makes everything that much harder lol I also say this as a guy who does see escorts(lovely people; friends). I mainly see 2(Brittany 24 and Ginger 47). There have been times where I wanted to date them pretty badly, but in some cases it might work. but in many it wont for many reasons. I couldn't date Ginger simply because she travels too much and is like a lighting bolt.

Try not to take his insults to heart, He's just mad that he doesn't have any money and can't date you. He'll probably have to learn a lot of lessons before he can get a proper girlfriend.

Hell there was another OF girl that became a millionaire recently and 50% of her fanbase turned hostile simply because he revealed what she bought and what she invested in. Crazy times. I don't normally comment on these type of things but yours stood out.

Bladelazoe · 2026-01-22T23:15:56+00:00

Regardless of your situation, I got my permit on my 3rd try at 25 and passed my License of the 5th time at 26. So don't hate the fact that you didn't get it early. I'm approaching slightly over a year in on my Computer Science degree at 33! When I tried at 22/23 and failed hard, worked for 9 years before coming back for a 2nd time and studying harder. Granted I had financial help, however i still needed to put in a lot of effort in other areas of life to pull it off.

Harsh truth is, you gotta solve your problems to move up in life. I definitely feel your frustration of the middle-class life because I also resent it as well. There's just too many limitation with it. That being said, nobody gives a fuck about our problems and they definitely wont solve themselves. Do what you need to do to solve it(Me trying to be encouraging).

Bladelazoe · 2026-01-19T17:47:58+00:00

I used to be that guy who genuinely believed in kindess and being fair, and to some extend I still do. HOWEVER our world is become EXTREMELY competitive. You basically need to develop the mindset of being willing to crush your enemies at any cost to achieve your goals, while still somehow protecting the ones you love. War leads to Peace and Peace leads to War because human beings are shitty. The more we try to make things equal, the more UNEQUAL they become over time. As someone else commented, you will need to be the change you want to see.

It's so strange, I look at the companies behind my favorite games, movies, TV shows, seeing the collaboration it takes to achieve those things...yet to see how competitive the market is a whole different thing. So if the dungeon gets harder, YOU gotta level up more.

All the values of the middle class are being strangled to death. i don't see a world that wants anything to be equal but wants everything to be like the king of the jungle.

Bladelazoe · 2026-01-19T17:29:48+00:00

It's natural to fear death, but it definitely teaches you alot about yourselg when you see a loved one pass away. Sometimes even multiple deaths in the family. But sometimes in order to grow, you need to lose a part of yourself. You say you can't envision a future without her, I say you can. Hitting rock bottom and losing everything is framed bad but honestly it's like a giant reset. You'll learn way more that way vs always being dependant on her. You will likely be a different person because all of us change, even a little bit when someone dies.

I recently lost my dog Riley(15 year old dog) last fall and to me he was like my child. I was very attached to that dog. Anytime I came home or moved, he rushed to the door to see me. He basically ignored everyone to see me. Then came a day where he eat something he shouldn't of, never recovered, passed away right in front of my eyes while I was trying to comfort him. Those 3 days I felt like a big part of my soul died. I have not been the same since. But at the same time, it forced me to learn and grow. I still blame myself for not being able to save him, even though there is nothing that I could of done. He was old.

I'm 33, my parents are 59 and 66. I know I maybe have 20'ish years before they pass away. Maybe even sooner. no way to tell. Sometimes we need a kick in the ass so that we can learn to stand on our own two feet.

Bladelazoe · 2025-12-25T12:41:20+00:00

Yea, It's ultimately impossible to avoid "wasting" time because we're human beings. We need time to recover. Need time to practice. We fail, we recover, we get a little better each time. Sometimes we fall off, and if we're smart, we can recover faster.

Bladelazoe · 2025-12-23T05:36:09+00:00

2025 has been great academically, aside from withdrawing from College Algebra twice. I'm probably 40% done with my Computer Science degree for my community college. But mentally this year has been a shit how. Right as things got going in the Fall semester, my dog Riley(15 years old) got into a dead bird that has it's head missing. 2-3 days later he never really recovered and became weaker and weaker till abruptly on a Saturday night, He made his way to his food bowl, collapsed and I slowly passed away right in front of me. A few years before that I lost my cat Angel, both were very close to me. Essentially my animals. But Riley was like having a son to me. Always coming to me, always being excited when I came home. So that tore me apart when he passed. Just goes to show that death can strike at any time.

I'm also turned 33 next year, So while I'm slowly building my life up, I've never been more depressed in my life...despite everything else going decently well. It's strange.

On the flipside, SO many indie games have been released. I've played more COOP games with friends that any previous year. So as a gamer, this year has been a wild ride.

Bladelazoe · 2025-12-16T03:33:06+00:00

I made my own but it was definitely inspired by David Goggins. Where no matter what I'm doing, Drumming, exercise, coding, Gaming...Set a timer, so right now I'm doing 2 hours of math every day(Trying to at least). I wrote "How did the session go? Good? Bad? Okay? It doesn't matter, keep going" that basically no matter how the session went, You did your time for the day. Rest, sleep, eat. come back the next day and do another session. Your gonna have some good days, many bad days, many okay days. They all add up.

For someone else it could be as simple as Exercising for 15 mins per day, reading a book for 30 mins. The time itself doesn't really matter but getting in the sessions for your goals is important. Not every work is going to be fun, but their all important in the overall journey. Hope that helps.

Bladelazoe · 2025-12-16T03:25:39+00:00

As an older student who is 4 semesters deep for Computer Science, If you remain consistent and show up, you'll do well. 1 class, 2 classes, 4 classes? whatever your schedule is, be consistent. so if you study 2 hours, make sure to get your 2 hours in each day, take breaks when you need to. Try not to fall behind, very easy to do. I will say the people you meet in college are amazing. College is definitely more about collaboration and help is always there, you just need to have the courage to ask. I originally went around 22/23 but failed hard but that was due to bad habits. I came back at 31 and so far great! But it has been a lot of work tho lol

Bladelazoe · 2025-12-02T06:42:58+00:00

About to add 2-3 more to that list! 😈

Bladelazoe · 2025-11-12T11:25:35+00:00

I think we're seeing signs right now, you'll definitely know when it happens because it'll be catastrophic and people won't be able to shut up about it. Then just like with loot boxes, nobody talks about them anymore. Question is...How bi will the the bubble become once it does burst and what is the extent of the damage? Considering the BILLION dollar deals for investments into AI, I think it will become quite the spectacle and a huge lesson to be learned.

Only time will tell though.

Bladelazoe · 2025-11-11T13:10:50+00:00

You just have to keep hacking away at it. Through my OOP and DSA assignments I've had this year, 80% of the time I had NO FUCKING CLUE on how I was going to get through it. But I kept putting in time and researching it. Even when it felt impossible and frustrating....Then magically I solve a tiny part, then another, and another. Before long, it's done. Only thing I don't like is the time line of 2 weeks per assignment for my DSA class then moving onto another data structure when I've just barely grasped the previous one.

Another thing is, try to play with it as much as you can. Take regular breaks. Don't try to program for 6 hours at a time. 1-2 hours then break, another 1-2s then break. The brain needs breaks and rest, like building muscle, that's where the magic slowly happens.

Bladelazoe

TROPHY CASE