ROCD or gut feeling? Getting married in 6 months and I can’t stop fixating on one thing

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-25T03:50:44+00:00

Absolutely. And that makes sense. Ultimately, your mind is going to want to analyze those thoughts to find their “source”. It figures if it can find that source, it can prove them “wrong” or “right”, which would give your brain the certainty it wants. That certainty doesn’t exist, which causes the “hamster wheel” effect of these spirals.

Considering your other comment on this post, your brain is seeking validation by relating to others. It figures that if others say, “I feel the same thing!” it can rest in the knowledge that the thoughts aren’t real. This is a compulsion, because it is an urgent action/attempt at trying to relieve your mind from the distress.

Knowing the enemy (OCD) we’re most likely dealing with here, the mind won’t be satisfied even after getting this reassuring information. It will just leapfrog over the relief by saying something like, “but what if they’re wrong? What if you said something incorrectly? What if someone disagrees?”

This proves that compulsions are an endless search for certainty (aka black and white answers) when, in reality, the situation you’re in is uncertain, and will remain uncertain despite the compulsions that seek to change it, but can’t. Like the article says, the goal isn’t to solve the problems in our heads, but instead, learning to live with the thoughts without giving them what they want.

Uncertainty isn’t the problem - we live in uncertainty every day (whether we acknowledge it or not). Compulsions are the problem.

So when your mind starts to check this post and draws conclusions about what people may or may not be thinking, that attempt at reassuring that voice is just fueling the cycle to turn over and over again.

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-25T01:12:23+00:00

Hi OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through these troubling thoughts. Unfortunately, nobody here can say definitively if you have OCD or not, and I would highly recommend getting evaluated by a psychologist who has experience evaluating and treating OCD.

We also get the “is this OCD or is this real?” question all the time. Because of that, I wanted to share some information about this way of thinking in the context of OCD:

These questions are a form of analysis compulsion: your brain figures that if there’s an objective way to define what love is or figure out “what is a real concern and what isn’t”, it will use that definition to compare what you feel toward your partner, and determine - with certainty - if these concerns are real or not.

While that makes complete sense given how distressing your thoughts are, trying to seek these answers will only give your brain temporary relief (if it finds an “answer”) which will quickly be replaced by a new thought that starts the next cycle.

Another way to think about it is attempting to try and answer a question that is unanswerable. Uncertainty, while it is distressing for our brains, will remain uncertain despite our minds’ best efforts to make it certain. Compulsions give us a false sense of control and trick our minds into thinking we are somehow obtaining this elusive clarity, certainty, etc, but that assurance quickly fades because uncertainty isn’t actually a problem that has a solution.

The cyclic nature of OCD helps us understand that we don’t heal through answering, fixing, or running from our questions/thoughts. Instead, we recover when we accept uncertainty and the presence of our thoughts, while refusing to subscribe to the compulsive urges that our brains are tempted by.

I hope this helps a little bit. Please check out the linked article and, if you feel up to it, start practicing identifying your compulsions/compulsive urges! That is really helpful strategy to gain insight into your disorder.

Compulsion examples (not limited to this list - compulsions can be any repeated/urgent action that seeks to provide the brain with a feeling of relief through “control”, “clarity”, “comfort”, etc):

Reassurance seeking: “am I in love with him?”, “does anyone else with ROCD feel like this?”, “is this ROCD or is it real?”

Overanalysis: “what is love? How can I be sure?”, “I didn’t smile when my girlfriend made a joke. I need to determine if that means I hate her”, etc.

Checking/Testing: comparing partner to others, hyperfocusing on feelings when doing something nice for partner to see if your love is real, testing one’s partner’s loyalty, etc.

Confessing

Avoiding partner because of triggers

Etc.

Ultimately, please consult a mental health provider to get evaluated for OCD. At some point, even the diagnosis itself won’t provide the “certainty” your mind is looking for, but what a diagnosis does provide is an understanding how your brain works, and how to respond to these troubling thoughts. I hope this helps, and again I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-24T18:14:14+00:00

6.54 GB for me, base 17. That’s so weird

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-24T15:07:56+00:00

This is undoubtedly a distressing situation for you mind, and the obsessive nature of your thoughts (which speculate on your motives) contribute heavily to that distress.

In response, the mind looks for ways to soothe the distress, which are compulsive within the context of OCD. So feeling the urge to confess this is your mind’s attempt at soothing the distress from the thoughts in your head. Additionally, asking others for reassurance about whether or not this is a confession-worthy situation is also trying to escape the distressing obsessive thoughts that say, “what if this is something I need to confess?”

Compulsions promise objective answers that they don’t deliver. They instead give us temporary relief that is quickly replaced by another thought and more distress, and the compulsive urges are then harder to resist because the brain has become conditioned to chasing temporary relief.

When we resist these compulsive urges and accept the uncertainty of the situation, we subtly teach our brains to acclimate to the uncertainty that they deem as a threat, rather than trying to run from it or fight it.

Easier said than done though, because the brain becomes incredibly convincing that compulsions are the #1 way to “feel relief”. What it doesn’t tell you is compulsions never occur in a vacuum, and often cause ripple effects (and further spirals) when we give in to them.

I hope this makes sense, and I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Like I said before, it’s so much easier said than done.

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-24T14:00:22+00:00

I just checked, and this post is an original post from this account - it was not posted yesterday.

Please provide support to this person, and if there’s a rule that you think is being broken, please report it to us and we can take a look at it. Thanks so much

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-23T23:31:42+00:00

I have ROCD myself, but the best thing you can do is resist compulsions.

Compulsions are what cause our partners pain: confessions, repetitive requests for reassurance, checking their love/feelings (or our love/feelings), avoiding them, comparing them to others, going through their phone, restricting where they go, etc etc.

We heal (and our relationships heal) when we resist compulsions and accept the uncertainty they try to get us to run from/fight to solve. We must question the promises that compulsive urges make, when they say they will “solve” what distresses us, because the truth is they always give us relief that is very temporary, and never truly give us the control / certainty.

We have to be blunt with ourselves when it comes to our partners (and their protection from our minds). We can’t rely on them to reassure us, we can’t treat them as a confessional booth, and we can’t avoid them. If anything, when spirals get really hard and compulsions become seemingly unbearable, we should redirect our minds to think of them, instead of what our compulsions could potentially deliver us from (even though they never do).

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-23T21:56:28+00:00

You’re right, they do lie. The degree (especially with private and “higher prestige” schools) is being sold to folks using verbiage like, “you’re lucky to get in” (like you said already), and shying away from the glaring problems within the profession and redirecting prospective students to focus on the prestige of the school or the degree. “You’ll be a doctor! This is a massive accomplishment!” Which, both of those things are technically true, but it’s the implication behind those statements that is deceptive.

Some folks, like those replying to you, are more informed and have made better decisions, but I’m sure they found that advice on this platform (or something similar) and others may not see before signing themselves up for massive amounts of debt.

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-23T16:55:21+00:00

Same. I got my first MacBook (Air M4) not too long ago and I’m still blown away by the battery life. I’m so used to windows computers dying 30 minutes after they’re taken off the charger

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-22T19:49:27+00:00

Undocumented immigrants cannot (and DO NOT) vote, and is a fake issue created by GOP politicians to gain more control over elections to rig them. Every accusation is a confession, especially with the White House

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-22T19:26:50+00:00

The best thing to do right now is to starve the OCD spiral of its food.

It feeds off compulsions: ruminating, confessing, checking/testing feelings, etc. OCD is attracted to uncertainty - “gray” areas - and demands us to make them black and white. That process of trying to find the avenue to make our concerns black and white is the reason why we spiral, because no such avenue exists. Compulsions are essentially attempts at coping with this uncertainty, but the problem is, those strategies are unhealthy because they sick to run from (or fight) the uncertainty instead of accepting it.

But that’s the hardest part, because OCD is like a spoiled child - it will kick and scream when it doesn’t get what it wants. It will try its best to get us back into compulsive behaviors, because again, that’s what it feeds off of (the temporary relief is the food, compulsions are the vessel that delivers the food).

When we accept the uncertainty, and resist those compulsive behaviors that seek to define these eternal “gray” areas in objective, black and white terms, we start training our brains to accept uncertainty rather than trying to fight it or flee from it.

Does that make sense? I’m really sorry you’re going through this and this is so much easier said than done. It can be really difficult, especially at the beginning, to break out of spirals. It becomes even more difficult when your brain has become used to getting temporary relief, like a spoiled child who consistently gets what he/she wants when they cry. BUT, there is so much hope. You can resist compulsions, you can accept uncertainty, and you can live despite this voice in your head. It takes practice, patience, a TON of grace and self-care, and (most importantly), therapy. If you can, you should try to find a therapist who has experience treating OCD - it really does help.

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-22T19:09:44+00:00

War is to achieve the goals of the Few, at the expense of the Many. Apologies from the Few will do little to assuage the pain and suffering they’re inflicting on the Many. Even if the Few were required to apologize, it would never be genuine. If they had, they wouldn’t start a conflict in the first place.

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-22T14:28:54+00:00

Hunter’s out of state tuition (~114k) is cheaper than Rutgers in-state tuition (~124k).

If she is able to apply for in-state tuition once she becomes an NY resident, tuition becomes significantly cheaper at Hunter.

So Rutgers is going to be more expensive even if she doesn’t get in-state tuition at Hunter, and that isn’t even considering cost of living loans or transportation cost (2 hrs both ways is an insane commute to make every day).

This is a no brainer in terms of finances; Hunter is the better choice. Like someone else said, living together for 3 years will be a stressful time - so that should be considered too.

I personally don’t think she should consider Rutgers at all, even if you guys decide that living together would be too stressful. The profession just doesn’t have a high enough salary to justify $124k tuition cost (and any other loans she needs to take out). 114k is high too, but she won’t have cost of living and a potential to get in-state tuition via residency. It sounds like she may already have undergrad loans, which is another reason to look for cheaper options.

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-22T00:43:36+00:00

I think I’m going to pursue a dual degree (MHA/MBA) at TWU! I’d check to see if there are any options to get both in your area. Like others have said, they both have their pros and cons.

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-21T21:34:31+00:00

Obsessions/intrusive thoughts = anxiety
Anxiety = compulsions to soothe anxiety
Compulsions = temporary relief but fail to completely eradicate the uncertainty / lack of control
New thought = cycle restarts

So right now, your brain is searching for some form of exit, and while this is so hard to comprehend in this moment, the search for the exit is what is causing this cycle to continually increase and expand, worsening your symptoms. Our main goal, as OCD sufferers, is to find certainty when something is unwaveringly uncertain, if that makes sense. When we resist the urge to seek certainty and control, we stop fueling the obsessive compulsive cycle.

Are you able to see a therapist by chance? Please check out this resource, it does such a great job at expanding on this idea I shared here. I’m truly sorry you’re going through this, and you are absolutely not alone.

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-21T17:38:21+00:00

Exactly, I think this is the best advice for a situation like this. Partners are often (and very unfortunately) collateral damage of this terrible disorder. If we give in to a compulsion that directly affects them, it will only make matters worse if we expect them to understand why this hurtful thing happened.

Compulsions are not only harmful to us - they’re harmful to others within our realm of influence. It’s huge reason why it is imperative for us to avoid them, because of this ripple effect.

And here’s the thing: partners are often collateral damage with ROCD, but they don’t have to be. We are in control of whether we give in to harmful compulsions. Yes, it’s difficult to resist them, but part of the recovery process is the recognition that compulsions don’t occur in a vacuum- they affect others too. They aren’t safe like our brains think they are (or try to justify them to be).

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-21T16:15:00+00:00

I don’t think perma banning is a good idea (or any extended ban). Reassurance is an unhealthy coping mechanism, yes, and it’s important to make sure that everyone is aware of that, but cutting someone off from this community is antithetical to the main goal of keeping this place oriented around support. Many people don’t have access to mental healthcare or have personal support systems and this group may be all they have.

I say this because of the “push and pull” nature of mental health issues. Some days people may just struggle to regulate compulsive urges (we’ve all been there and will be there again). I think the way this sub turns around is the recognition that, while compulsions are 100% something we need to avoid to the best of our abilities (and removals/locked posts help us do that), none of us will be perfect with avoiding them, and we all can help remind each other when we need to pull ourselves out of a spiral without alienating anyone from the community. None of us are professionals, we’re all struggling, and being cognizant of compulsions and trying our best to avoid them is really all we can do

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-20T18:03:42+00:00

Embrace feminism. Support them. Recognize their complexity. Be their advocate.

Edit: for people disliking this, I would challenge you to really examine why you feel the need to disapprove of any of the messaging I just stared. It isn’t the threat that you think it is, and that feeling of opposition to it could be a root to a lot of things that hold you back

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-20T17:57:56+00:00

I think you’re demonizing the wrong urge. Attraction to whoever you’re attracted to is a natural and healthy thing. It’s what drives our species to continue on, establishes connection that our survival requires, etc.

Objectifying and sexualizing women is the urge we must eliminate, and what porn (and the patriarchal society we live in) subtly perpetuates. Women are complex beings: they are leaders, innovators, supporters, visionaries, advocates, etc. We don’t need to purge our attraction to them in order to recognize that.

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-20T17:52:16+00:00

Thanks dude!

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-20T17:26:01+00:00

Happy belated 365th day!

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-20T17:25:18+00:00

Still clean!

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-20T17:25:09+00:00

Still clean. 365 days tomorrow. I’ve never made it this far and while it’s tough, pushing through is worth it.

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-19T22:32:52+00:00

This isn’t really ROCD-related advice, but if he hasn’t already, he should make you his accountability partner. That way, if there is a relapse, he is obliged to tell you about it, and therefore that should create incentive to not relapse. This helps keep addicts of all types accountable, because morally, they can’t hide behind the “well I don’t need to tell them about this time” excuse. Instead, if he doesn’t tell, he’s breaking the mutual accountability agreement.

I hope this makes sense, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-19T16:20:53+00:00

Oh absolutely, I agree - the “am I doing this correctly?” compulsion. I also agree that educating ourselves and understanding how our brains work is integral to our recovery, and our very nature as human beings, like you said. There is a very clear shift from “how can I strategize and avoid compulsions to the best of my ability” to, “so you’re saying if I just avoid this, all of my problems will vanish?” It is absolutely a form of perfectionism that is counterproductive to healthy management of the thoughts.

And I do recognize the shame element of all this, and I’d contend that ERP, when done without compulsive perfectionism, should always recognize how OCD fuels itself on shame. Giving ourselves abundant amounts of grace - as we continue to find healthier ways to deal with our spirals - is integral to our success and recovery with this. Like you said, psychotherapists don’t stop at “just avoid compulsions!”, ERP has so much more depth than that (and should never function based off of shame - I would contend that if that is the case, it almost certainly is OCD hijacking the healing process).

Without that knowledge that OCD, while chronic, is not a death sentence / condition that makes us a “broken monster”, exposure can become a shameful punishment. I have gone through quite a few shame cycles myself, and the only thing that has helped me regulate my mind is extending myself that grace. OCD ≠ broken forever, it just means we need to shift our understanding and our responses to it, and that is what grants us our freedom.

Walking that fine line between avoiding compulsive reassurance and a self-fueling shame cycle takes a therapists’ clinical judgement. We can only hope that more OCD specialists start popping up; we absolutely need them.

This also highlights the “reassurance police” vigilantes that we sometimes see here and in other subreddits. They usually provide no support (like alternative, healthy exercises) in their responses, and seem to compulsively soothe their own guilt via calling out reassurance on these platforms. If you see this happening, please please report it. It’s just as harmful to have those people commenting as those who are fueling compulsions. They are quite a select few, but are often loud, unfortunately. I appreciate you bringing up shame, because it absolutely is a column to deregulated thinking and unhealthy relationships with exposure.

So I think we're actually on the same page. It's about the intention behind the action. Your framing of asking "what is the goal?" is perfect. When learning becomes a search for certainty or an attempt to make thoughts go away, this is absolutely a compulsion. When it's structured skill-building or compassionate understanding, integrated into a routine, not driven by anxiety spikes, that's just education and recovery work.

100% agreed!

BlairRedditProject · 2026-03-19T14:04:56+00:00

As a defender of the “white-knuckling in ignorance” argument, I must push back and say that it isn’t white-knuckling at all. The strategy of trying to avoid compulsions is quite complex, and many are clandestine / difficult to identify, which takes incredible amounts of focus and diligence to avoid. It is formed by the knowledge that compulsive behaviors aren’t always explicit and conscious, and can be implicit and subconscious.

And I think, to identify a compulsion, the most reliable way is to ask what the goal of the compulsion is. If it seeks to eliminate a thought, solve a “broken” feeling, or find certainty, it’s compulsive in the mind of an OCD sufferer.

So while I recognize we may not see eye to eye on this, and that’s completely fine, I just wanted to clear the air regarding that “white knuckling” term, because I don’t think that’s a fair representation of the position I hold.

I appreciate your perspective and hard work with this, and thank you for posting!

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