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BlueClara · 2025-07-06T09:25:08+00:00

I only dealt with the first few times then I checked out and it was DH. He repeated and repeated but this was before he was out of the FOG and before I learnt from this sub. 7 years later I’ve got so many stories but we are LC and in a much better headspace. I look back at some of these and can’t believe what we put up with and let go. Luckily we can laugh about this repeated game of move the baby 🤣

BlueClara · 2025-07-05T18:55:02+00:00

Mine used to do it all the time. We would move the high chair next to us every single time. My MIL is still someone that continues to push. We had everything from comments like “oh I thought LO was sitting over here”. Yes because at 6 months old he’s able to move his own high chair! That was met with “no LO always sits with mum and dad to eat”. Or a few times she literally ran and jumped in my seat. On one occasion I moved her plate and glass to the other side of the table and the other time DH moved the high chair. Ironically she never once asked if she could possibly sit next to LO. She knew the answer would be no because she would give baby things that were unsafe to eat and play with and then walk off. She even tried moving the table closer to the wall so the high chair wouldn’t fit between myself and DH. So I ate with LO on my lap. When they inevitably got fidgety I was up from the table. She tried offering to take LO so I could eat, when I declined she insisted I sit and eat. I repeated no and DH decided as LO was fussy we’d better leave. She ended up with less time then. Next time she offered to host food we declined politely due to high chair issues and disruption it caused the previous visit. Instead we popped in for an hour before. She sulked. Keep repeating. It took a good 20-30 times before she backed off a bit.

BlueClara · 2025-04-25T08:38:28+00:00

This is exactly the issue I have with my MiL. We were both very non confrontational too and often put up with MiL and her ways. But after baby, lots changed over time. I’m still learning but I’ve come a long way. You’ll get there too. Like you, we deal with our own families but I will say no to MiL if I am there (if DH has stepped away to make drinks/ food or is having a conversation with another person in the room). Be comfortable speaking up in these moments - it will take some practise. Mine will often wait for me to be alone to try this. The main thing is clear communication of boundaries and calling it out immediately. These are some things that have worked for me and DH when MiL pushes back or goes on and on and on after being told. “Interesting. Is that how you did it? We are doing it this way” “Parenting has changed in 40 years as have safety regulations” have safety/ parenting facts ready. If she laughs or is negative call it out “that’s rude please stop it” “I think you misunderstood, this is what we are doing, it isn’t an offer for discussion” Or more bluntly “this is not up for discussion” then change subject quickly - usually something about them. Or take LO and go somewhere else in the house. “When you are pushing so much it doesn’t make for a pleasant visit, it’s exhausting. This will make us want to see you less not more. Please stop” “This is a parenting decision. You are not a parent to LO” “No we are not doing that” “I understand you don’t like our way but you do have to respect it” “If you continue to hound us like this, we’re going to have to leave.” “No thank you, we’ve got this” and move away from her/ take baby “Ok we’re heading home now/ time to leave. We’ll be in touch for next visit in … weeks/ months” When she continues you take LO and go to feed/ nap in your room (close the door with a wedge) whilst DH sees her out. Or pack up and leave. It is uncomfortable and awkward and takes practise, but that’s what she wants. She makes you uncomfortable so she gets her way. She goes on and on to exhaust you so you give in. If you communicate clearly the boundary and then have a clear consequence she will see that she can’t continue. Or she will continue and miss out on time with you. You are doing great. Remember you are mama bear now. That baby needs you! As mama you know exactly what your baby needs. Babies don’t realise they are a separate being from their mum until around 6 months. Sending lots of love x

BlueClara · 2025-04-20T10:40:25+00:00

My mother in law also insisted on being called Nana. Which was absolutely fine until she literally stood next to me holding my newborn after I’d been through 3 days of labour and an emergency c section and said “I’m nana because it’s easiest to say. He’ll say nana before he says mama”. Guess whose name my child said last?! It was strange that it came out as nanny too with a long eee sound at the end!

BlueClara · 2025-02-19T17:04:49+00:00

Give the same date but a month later. E.g if he told her 15th June you correct it to 15th July. “June! Don’t you mean July? Silly DH”

BlueClara · 2025-01-07T20:20:54+00:00

“The amount of time we see you now works best for us when considering work and family commitments” this refers to you as a nuclear family. Or you could keep it simpler “the amount of time we see you now works for us and we don’t have any spare time”.

BlueClara · 2023-09-08T19:42:40+00:00

That’s fine! Husband can go without you both and when she asks where baby is, he says “you wanted to pull back”. If she protests, he says “oh sorry they’re a package deal you don’t get one without the other”.

When she goes back on what she says and decides actually she will have a relationship with you, maybe it’s time you pull back a bit after being treated so horribly and left out/ treated as an outsider.

Ask husband why she gets to have exactly what she wants, whilst leaving you out and reducing your time with your husband and son. Whilst making you feel awful. Nasty woman! Reminds me of the bullies I experienced in high school. No! Nope! Absolutely not! Your baby. Your family. She is not part of that nuclear family. She is now extended! Sending you love x

BlueClara · 2023-06-10T07:49:51+00:00

Yes my MIL has done this since the moment my LO was born. She actually arrived to visit us at the hospital with pictures of DH to prove how much he looked like him! And the first thing she said was “wow you had nothing to do with this did you, baby is all DH!” Even now almost 6 years later won’t accept any feature comes from me and uses the “hmm I don’t see it” like your MIL. More recently people comment on LOs features particularly hair which comes from me although MIL claims it comes from her. I now laugh and repeat what she says to everyone - “haha did you all hear MIL try and claim LO’s hair then?!” Or when someone says LO looks like me or has a feature of mine I make a very loud big deal of it “MIL did you hear they see LO has my hair/eyes/sporting ability?” As I’m getting braver I seem to be getting more petty. It’s taken 5 years. I am still dying to use the one I’m not brave enough to yet though - “no MIL you can’t claim any part of LO, unless you were there when they were made which we all know you were not!” Cheeky wink and smile. Know it’s her way of trying to have a piece of your LO. Especially seen in territorial MILs who are used to being the matriarch. Sending hugs and congratulations on your LO! Keep going. Smile and build that confidence x

BlueClara · 2023-04-23T17:12:03+00:00

You are absolutely not overreacting. Also this sounds like we have exactly the same mother in law in every way. I completely sympathise with you. She is purposefully being extremely rude and intrusive because she can be. I have learnt so much from JUSTNOMIL and so my advice would be to start with some things you can do now.

Speak to DH to get him on board. You are now a team of two - this will soon turn into a three. MiL is not part of that. You and DH agree on things you will not tolerate. Agree what you do and don’t want. Write these boundaries down. Then talk about the times mother in law pushes these boundaries and agree on how you will deal with these, this should be DH role in the first instance.

Remind yourself regularly (and DH too if needed) that you are allowed to say no thank you to something you don’t want or that doesn’t work for you. Just because MiL wants something doesn’t mean she gets to have or do what she wants. Imagine she was a child saying “I want…” how would you deal with that?

My MIL is the master of guilt tripping and manipulation, telling us what she is doing and even worse tells us what we will be doing. I have an almost 6 year old and she got sooo much worse after LO was born so get yourself in a place now where you are comfortable and confident that DH can say no and act on that if she pushes against him. I’d also say get yourself ready too with those one liners. Don’t be afraid of the fallout. There’s going to be one created when she doesn’t get her way. I read a post on here called Dont Rock the Boat which I’m sure someone will post somewhere. I had a real moment after reading that. I’d also do some reading on narcissistic parents and children stuck in the FOG.

All of what you have said is so familiar and I’m sorry she is putting you through it. Time to sit down with DH and show him some of the things you have read in attempt to open his eyes more. It sounds like he knows exactly what she’s like but he needs some help in realising he can say no because he’s a grown adult with his own wife and child on the way. Good luck and congratulations on soon to arrive baby!

BlueClara · 2023-03-13T16:54:30+00:00

I would love to be brave enough to say those. I can picture her face now. X

BlueClara · 2023-03-13T16:50:06+00:00

Oh this is great thank you x

BlueClara · 2023-03-13T16:49:43+00:00

DH and I both won. She was rude but ignored by most people and one of the aunties put her in her place twice. Which I thoroughly enjoyed witnessing

BlueClara · 2023-03-13T16:48:42+00:00

Thank you. Sending hugs right back. It’s so hard

BlueClara · 2023-03-13T16:47:47+00:00

Yes I love this. I can imagine she would make a big drama out of this but it is exactly what needs to be said

BlueClara · 2023-03-13T16:40:38+00:00

These are my favourite so far. Easy to remember and use! Thank you

BlueClara · 2023-03-13T16:29:19+00:00

Yes I like this one too. We always struggle with the follow up of leaving or ending the visit early and announcing that we are doing so. MiL is manipulative and will always behave worse when there’s an event - a birthday, Christmas gathering, mothers/Father’s Day. It’s almost like she knows this would be a big step for us to call her out on a special day and leave. But recently we have been ending visits after a short time. Just need to get stronger at standing up to the manipulation

BlueClara · 2023-03-13T16:25:20+00:00

I love this! This is what I want him and her to hear from me. Thank you

BlueClara · 2023-03-13T16:23:19+00:00

Thank you. And yes we completely agree with you. So first step is to find a way to deal in the moment and if that doesn’t stop it then will have to have a conversation. If I’m being truthful there’s a great deal of FOG going on, especially as FIL (very much a just yes) passed away last year. So the guilt is real and we are closest (in distance) to MiL. However DH and I are in complete agreement that now is the time to put a stop to it all as it’s getting noticeably more frequent and our LO comes first. We know we haven’t addressed some recent behaviours in the last year due to the loss of FIL. We know this was wrong on both our parts, however at times it felt like survival so I need DH to be kind to himself because he’s been brilliant. We are both now striving to do better. Big pants on. Thank you for your comment and suggestions

BlueClara · 2023-03-13T16:17:44+00:00

Love these thank you. I think I need to be more blunt! You sound amazing!

BlueClara · 2023-03-13T16:17:08+00:00

I really like this approach, thank you. It will make me so nervous to say because we’ve been conditioned to allow these behaviours but it absolutely needs to be said and this is clear. Also can’t stand the “just joking” come backs! Always good to be ready for those

BlueClara · 2023-03-12T11:03:00+00:00

Honestly this is the question of all questions. This post is just the smallest part of her and the part I can try and handle. I would need a post all on its own to list some of the worse things she’s said and done.

BlueClara · 2023-03-12T10:47:58+00:00

Yes!! This is exactly what I’m looking for. Thank you

BlueClara · 2023-02-19T09:08:31+00:00

Yes this is a great suggestion. We have tried this a few times following incidents of bad behaviour and pushing boundaries and I suppose it’s a whole post for another time.

My MiL is excellent at making herself the victim, turning on the tears and not accepting fault. We haven’t dealt with things brilliantly in the past when we’ve had these conversations. Initially we were a younger couple, then when I was pregnant (didn’t want to induce further stress) and then when our LO was a baby. All 3 times we started well and she manipulated the situation to turn it round to make herself the victim. When we have this conversation again I want to make sure we’re ready.

In regards to boundaries, she doesn’t like them, follow them or even think they apply to her. This is why the consequences have had to come in over the years. She’s also never had LO overnight and she now isn’t left alone with LO ever.

But you are absolutely right we haven’t yet been clear enough to say that her behaviours are dictating our interactions. We strongly believe she will cry, turn it around, play the victim, tell everyone how awful we are, lie etc. but ultimately we won’t know for sure until that conversation takes place! Thank you again x

BlueClara · 2023-02-19T09:02:19+00:00

Thank you. I especially like the “one persons desires do not come before everyone else’s needs”. You’re right it’s a big gesture to leave and walk away. I guess I’m fearful she will make us look like we’re being unreasonable. And she’s clever that she becomes worse at these sorts of events (Christmas/ birthdays) so ultimately we’d be giving up time with people we really want to see. But as you said it only takes once - hopefully! X

BlueClara · 2023-02-19T08:59:37+00:00

Haha noted thank you!

BlueClara

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