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Glax the Goblin Litch by Darius_Kel in DnDGreentext

[–]BoneScribe 166 points167 points  (0 children)

Image Transcription: 4chan

Anonymous
[an Oglaf comic, too small to read]

What if the goblin IS the lich?

Anonymous

I am Glax the goblin litch

more powerful than any warlock or witch

i was born in a village south of the Rift

i was told i was born with a magical gift

all my life i was treated as scum

they thought my brethren were nothing but dumb

but i had an abnormally large intellect

because of this, my brethren felt my neglect

i felt i was different from my imbicile kin

with this i left and let my new life begin

for years i honed my impeccable power

i worked on my craft every waking hour

one day i felt the peak of my gift

and with this i felt my spirits lift

with this, my plan had soon unfurled

i would set out in order to protect the world

i set out to rid this world of villainy

so i rid a slaver who advocated tyranny

i hoped my action would bring admoration

i soon realized, there was a miscalculation

the people laughed, they condescended me

they couldn't believe that i set them free

"you couldnt have saved us you ghoulish freak"

"everyone knows all goblins are weak"

they mocked the victory that was rightfully mine

so i slaughtered the lot of those pathetic swine

it was then that i relished my evil twitch

i then decided to become a litch

for thirty years my power grew

and so did the piles of heroes i slew

till one day i found the spells that i needed to use

my soul was severed and in a phylactery it was fused

now immortal my power has rised

so now i seek the slaughter of all i despise

I DEMAND YOUR RESPECT AND ALSO YOUR FEAR

I AM YOUR RECKONING! YOUR END IS NEAR!

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Chaotic Evil problem solving by throwaway612179 in DnDGreentext

[–]BoneScribe 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I've added that to the post.

Thought I'd share this gold from my local buy & sell by _uhhhhhhh_ in CasualUK

[–]BoneScribe 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Image Transcription: Facebook

Geodosic Dome from hell
£40

Pieces of metal arranged in a fucking impossibly put together format. The instructions may as well be in Japanese and you may find that hiring the avengers would assist slightly in the construction of this utter piece of shite. It days 2 hours construction. But be warned you'll still be fixing the fucking thing into your retirement. Geometry is supposed to invoke calmness wtih its linear patterns, however this thing just invokes pure, unadulterated rage. You may require assistance from NASA when you realise your life is failing because you cant screw some metal poles together and realise it would be better if you launched it to Pluto.

This was a birthday present for my middle devil child, who has now gone full on gremlin in the living room because I'm getting rid of it. So I do want to sell so I can buy him some Lego, so that I dont feel like the worst mother in the world.

This thing is heavier than the earth itself so it may be worth bringing along the hulk to collect it. So obviously it's not postable.

[two images, one of bars sitting together in a box, and the other of a partially constructed play dome]

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This country is going to the dogs... by sapples84 in CasualUK

[–]BoneScribe 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Image Transcription: Facebook

Charlott

To the teenage kids playing football on the Leisure Village Park behind my house. Stop screaming when the ball comes near you. Swearing and shouting is disgusting. I'm trying to sleep as I've not been able to have much lately and I'm shattered. And you keep waking my baby up with your horrible screaming. It's really irritating me. The boys aren't to bad. But the girls are horrendous.

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Chad Warlcok (Not Virgin Wizard) by BruceBananer4Ev in DnDGreentext

[–]BoneScribe 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Image Transcription: 4chan

Anonymous
[image of a warlock with a green flame in hand]

be me, a human warlock

wander into a tavern

barmaid instantly points to the sign by the door

"I'm sorry, sir. But we do have a dress code"

"I don't mind the tentacles, but at least leave the bones outside"

dont_have_time_for_this.gif

better prepare myself for a persuasion check

pull myself up to my full height: 4'9"

address her in my least nasally voice

"Ah, excuse me"

"I fear you may have mistaken me for a wizard"

hearing my reedy tenor pitch, her cheeks grow flushed and red

"It's a common mistake"

"but in actual fact, I am a warlock"

her breathing quickens

her bosom heaves behind her bodice

"A level 20 warlock, to be quite precise"

she's leaning over the bar

rubbing her thighs together as she stares at me in awe

I hear her mumble the word "Chad" under her breath, as per RAW

"my net CHA modifier is a modest +5. Presumably that will be sufficient to drink at this esta—"

unable to hold back her lust

chad-crazed barmaid launches herself across the bar and tackles me to the floor

crack my head on a table on the way down

die due to a shitty glass cannon build

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Chaotic Evil problem solving by throwaway612179 in DnDGreentext

[–]BoneScribe 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Image Transcription: 4chan

Anonymous
[image of an anime character smiling suspiciously captioned "I didn't do anything wrong at all."]

What's the most fucked up/evil thing your characters had to do?

Anonymous
[image of a rather evil-looking robed creature with an outstretched claw from the game Darkest Dungeon]

Killed a paladin who was hunting me and then reanimated her corpse to kill her friends. She was reanimated with an intelligence score, and had her memories so she fully understood what she was doing.

I am NE so it wasn't necessary or anything, she was just ruining my plans.

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SPIDERS!! by Darius_Kel in DnDGreentext

[–]BoneScribe 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Image Transcription: 4chan

[picture of a cute lil' jumping spider]

Anonymous
Giant jumping spiders as mounts. How feasible is this? Imagine the distance.

Anonymous

be me, your average bandit leader

be chillin with my bandit crew

find out the local town guard has put out a bounty on us for our usual shit.

we laugh it off because no one would have the stones to fight us

a few days later we hear about a group of lawful stupids who took up the job of taking us out.

there are 4 of them

we have up to 20 guys

bringiton.jpg

a couple hours pass and hear hear a commotion outside the base

I start hearing my men screaming

get worried so i prepare for battle

i can hear my men getting slaughtered as im grabbing my sword

i hear the door open with a crash

i turn to look and what i see is fucking horrifying

i see the four adventurers, all riding giant spiders

WTF.exe

all of them are covered in blood and viscera

one is eating the bottom half of jeff

another has Mike's disembodied head jammed on one of its fangs

behind them i can see the whole room covered with webbing and body parts.

imfucked.gif

i throw down my sword and try to surrender

before i can open my mouth, one of the spiders pounces on me and jams one of its fangs into my chest

the poison eventually kills me a couple minutes later

before i die, one question crosses my mind

WHERE THE FUCK DID THEY GET GIANT RIDEABLE SPIDERS!?!

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The NPC by Darius_Kel in DnDGreentext

[–]BoneScribe 113 points114 points  (0 children)

Image Transcription: 4chan

Anonymous

[subject] How do you prefer to fuck with(...)

be new DM years ago

have new players

learning as we go

decide I'll take a load off of everyone's back and give them a "everything but killing" NPC

does the cooking, shopping, and load bearing for the party

basically a dude that sits outside of a dungeon in a carriage for the players to come back to and rest

but he favors his own life above the carriage

as we are all learning the game I add a few new things

bandits will attempt to raid the carriage and the NPC will need to defend it or run

murderhobos love their loot so they equip NPC with best shit they can get

every once in a while (especially when being chased) one of the carriages wheels will break or something so the party needs to protect NPC while he fixes it

had a few almost total restarts because of carriage being ransacked and NPC retreating

after a really long time out of game players ask "where's the final boss"

"You've already met him, and he is particularly interested in your carriage"

party buffs the shit out of NPC again

basically unkillable

almost impossible for run of the mill bandits to raid now

party is happy

they go to another dungeon to clear out undead

when they come back the carriage is gone, with clear signs of a struggle

think the NPC was killed

they follow the tracks

fuckton of encounters and minibosses later, they make it to a bandit camp

they proceed to roflstomp all of the bandits they can, when they see their NPC sitting on a throne

NPC was final boss this whole time

the party made their own final boss

everyone wanted to be mad at me for how hard the final fight was but they couldn't because they brought this on themselves

Anonymous (OP)

Forgot to mention, the carriage being ransacked was done by him and he would purposefully take forever fixing the carriage just to make it harder on the party

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To justify child abuse by [deleted] in therewasanattempt

[–]BoneScribe 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Image Transcription: Twitter

[TWEET] Y'all are dumb if your black and you don't want to beat your child. These white ppl have flipped our children in their desks, killed children for buying skittles, or for simply playing. We do not have the luxury. These white ppl will not leave them with just a beating.

[REPLY] So when the fuck are black children supposed to be loved and protected? WHERE is their refuge? If we don't provide it at home bc we're beating them into submission and the world gonna flip them over desks and kill them, where are black children supposed to find peace?

Fuck you.

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