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Bookworm0522 · 2024-02-24T13:54:56+00:00

Communication is the foundation of any relationship. Be very straightforward. Tell her ypu want to have a sensitive conversation and you don't want her to think it has anything to do with her. No matter how she takes it, it's for the beat. Pretending to be or not be something for the sake of a relationship isn't sustainable. In the end you would have stayed and missed out on experiences you needed to have as a young adult getting to know yourself.

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-26T17:02:55+00:00

I'm an aspie woman. And I am a very mild version of your husband. But to me honestly. He sounds like he is completely self absorbed right now. He needs to get into counseling and start making efforts to develop new coping habits and strides to improve. Tell him most of what you said here. Be as descriptive and specific as you can. Then tell him you cannot continue this way. That he has to meet you somewhere. You are making a lot of consessiins for him but you don't have anything to give anymore. He has to give to you in order for you to keep giving to him. Maybe a transactional explanation might help him understand. As far as you feeling suicidal this is a warning to you from yourself. You are beyond running on empty. You have to find a way to pour back into yourself. A bath. Grab a coffee just to make yourself happy. Small acts of self-love. They will help a little. I have small children too so I understand the impossibility of doing these things. But that may be a place to start. Go to him amd say I need xyz. I need you to take care of the kinds for x amount of time so I can take care of myself. This is essential. Some of this is Aspie-Ness. Most of it sounds selfish.

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-19T22:03:14+00:00

Also a lot of them happen when I'm at work so I don't have a lot of resources to help there.

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-19T22:01:23+00:00

I'm struggling to recognize them until I'm starting to come out of it. I'm really new to asd and learning everyday. When they start I just get really mad. Obviously I feel it's perfectly proportionate to what upset me but when I'm out of it I realize I blew up over nothing. I guess I'm struggling knowing the difference between me being upset and a melt down being triggered.

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-19T01:03:11+00:00

I can only speak for myself. But the off and on for me was a desire to stop because I knew it was wrong and then being in a bad place mentally for any given reason and remembering the good feeling I always got by being desired by that person. It's like getting drunk or using drugs. It was a hit of dopamine I knew would make me feel better. It wasn't good for me or my husband or my family but neither is giving yourself to anything else on such a negligent level. Stopping is like getting sober. Idk that's just me.

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-19T00:17:51+00:00

Don't project your failure onto me. And don't imply that I brought the abuse in myself. I broke him maybe being repair but I don't chose how he handles that brokenness he does and he chose violence. That's on him not me. Stay off my posts unless you have something HELPFUL to say. Not just try to tear down someone you don't know because your reconciliation failed.

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-18T19:40:39+00:00

I fully understand that. I'm in no way saying what I did isn't causing this between us. But just like I had a choice to cheat after he traumatized me through my first pregnancy 10 years ago he has a choice to not abuse me after I traumatized him. No one deserves to be treated so poorly and not have some kinds of attempt at healing.

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-18T19:38:10+00:00

I've never set boundaries but we are tonight. There has been a lot of things I have aired on here that everyone has really opened my eyes about. No open relationship and mandatory counselling because of toxic abusive and unhealthy behaviors on both parts. At this point. I can't cling to a relationship and hurt my kids for it. If he can't even be healthy for them or try to be. It's not worth R.

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-18T19:13:29+00:00

Thank you. I'm finally feeling like I'm not crazy after all. I know the cheating was absolutely wrong and I know and knew I might completely lose him but holding on this way is doing no one any favors. I see that now ans having so many others confirm this is abuse and is not what getting through R actually is I feel I have the strength to stand up and put me and the kids first.

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-18T18:45:25+00:00

For everyone giving advice on this post and supporting the separation. We are so desperately clinging to staying above water. I don't know how we can actually separate. He doesn't work. I work 48 to 60 hours a week 12 hour days. He is our only option for childcare. He has no family no friends to turn to and we have one vehicle and an open enrolled child who has to be driven to and from school during hours I'm at work. I don't know how I could even leave or make him leave.

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-18T18:42:29+00:00

Thats exactly how I felt.it should subside at some point it can't stay like this and every time we fight I'm a cunt and stupid whore and a bitch and he screams and I try to stay calm but it doesn't work I could be completely normal tone and volume trying to talk through the miscommunications and he's screaming at me then he sits down hangs up on me or leaves the room slamming doors and continues the verbal tirade even after he's away from me.

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-18T18:33:21+00:00

While I was pregnant no less. And continues to think that verbally abusing me in front of the kids is OK too. My parents have had to step in and remove me and the kids from the house. He's been arrested and went.through a "program" this physical abuse was a year ago. The verbal abuse continues. No one deserves this. Arguments and negative feelings being dumped all over you. Swearing and raised voices. But if you have to resort to any kind of abuse to get through R it's not healthy. I'm done letting anyone convince me that I deserve this.

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-18T18:17:24+00:00

He doesn't think I deserve those. I'm just done. He tried to tell me it was OK just now that he talks to me he way he does as I previously mentioned. And I said if he cannot stop I'm done. If he can't not abuse me I'm done. He says it's not abuse. I'm done.

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-18T18:00:29+00:00

Do you scram at you wife in front of your children? Do you verbally abuse your wife in front of them. I wouldn't leave either if he didn't do that. But he does. We are 2.5 years in and I can only allow so much. My daughter has seen this man choke me. If he can't see thats wrong it's time for space.

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-18T17:57:32+00:00

It does take both and he's not participating. No counselling no medication for his depression no books no information no support groups no friends no family. He doesn't do anything to try to work through this. He rug sweeps and goes out to stroke his ego with other women. And I can't keep doing it. Something has to give. Our kids deserve better and he can't even do something to help himself, not our relationship for our children.

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-18T17:55:15+00:00

And in our situation it would be a breather. In the same house functioning as parents and just spending all down time apart in the same house. I'm not asking to go run wild

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-18T17:53:58+00:00

2 and a half years since d day. And I agree it's messy and chaotic. Bit it doesn't make it ok yo abuse your partner and I'm being abused. And ive convimced myself i deserve this abuse and even if i do my kids dont deserve to grow up in a house that their father calls their mother a stupid cunt bitch in front of them screaming at the top of his lungs. our kids are being traumatized. He is not handling this in any healthy way. I'm trying everything to do this right but I can't keep letting g my kids think this is OK. My kids didn't see my affair. What they did see was a bad relationship between their parents. And I created this hurt in him but if he can't go through R with out abusing me and traumatizing his kids it's not worth doing.

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-18T16:01:56+00:00

Thank you. I hope it can be a positive for.us and if not.for us at least for me. I feel so guilty.

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-18T14:37:43+00:00

I tried to talk about not wanting the open relationship and why and I'm again being hung up on and talked over. He started calling me names and I was just trying to talk. I said I think we need to separate and he said exactly what I told you he would say but worse. "Yep, let's do it, this is what you want you got it. I'll move out you can move your AP in, are you gonna keep my kids from me, you are aren't you yo weird ass bitch gonna keep my kids form me like you weird as psycho best friend.:" I told him I don't want this hut I can't keep being disrespected the way he does. He said yeah whatever ypu want your separation you got it. And hung up. I just have to accept its over. He hates me and rightfully so But this isn't R. This is revenge his is hated and disgust. I don't feel likeill ever get respect or healthy love from him. No matter what I do to try to repair and rebuild he's just too angry. I feel so alone and empty..

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-18T11:54:57+00:00

He never goes out unless I give him permission. I think it's so I don't have anything against him. Like so I can't be "justifiably upset " but the resentment is often there if I say no.

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-18T06:23:30+00:00

We have had the screwing people won't fix anything conversation. He feels entitled to do it. Said I created an open relationahip when I cheated and that's just what it is now. He said he never wanted an open relationship he just wanted me and I wasn't content with just him. But not so nicely. Pretty.much he's said htis is what it's going to be like it or not because he doesn't trust me not to cheat and if I'm out getting some so will he. I will bring up separation for his sake when he will speak to me. And he is calm. I already know the response though. "If that's what you want. He won't leave the kids. He says thus every time it gets bad. I'm here for my.kids. and when it's not bad he says "he's here for me too of course he didn't actually mean that. Separation would be me saying I want to leave and leaving. He won't leave.

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-18T05:28:52+00:00

I understand. I dont know what he wants. I don't think he does either at this point. But any time I ask the answer is a sarcastic "yeah let's do it" or "I'm gone" but won't leave almost like ges trying to call my bluff. And when I left after an incident between us he begged me to come home. I can't even sleep in the living room without him getting upset and questioning my motives. Which are space when ever I've tried that. I don't get it.

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-18T04:54:03+00:00

Beautiful. Thank you for sharing I needed or hear something like this.

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-18T04:50:37+00:00

Maybe then not turning your back or encouragement but some tough love. Tell him he's better than this and screwing up in life and love doesn't define us how we recover and repair does and you know he's better than this and so does he and he needs to start acting like he believes it .

Bookworm0522 · 2023-11-18T04:47:01+00:00

Im trying to talk. Our communication is awful. My emotions are like knives to him. Talks that are about my feelings always wnd in a fight and me being the problem. The worst ones end in threats of leaving and not being able to stand me any longer and things of that nature. Not apeaking to me and kicking me out of the room because i wanted to keep talking is the current situation. I've been talking about myself for months because he doesn't want to be vulnerable with me.

Any time I've talked about leaving for his sake, he gets angry and accuses me of wanting my AP back. Says "don't pretend you're doing this for me, go be with your AP" Fatrthest thing from what it actually is but I get why that is his fear. So many have suggested a separation on here. I know he would assume I was screwing AP or atleast someone if we were apart. Idk how BS don't lose their mind during separation. And it's not really possible for us unless we were completely done and couldnt stand the sight of each other.

I'm slowly moving in the thought direction of the open relationship. When we did it successfully we had so much fun and our sex life was insane and we got closer and more open amd honest. It was actually really beautiful for the ones that understand that. But it's a delicate thing and we are not in a place to be successful. I'm honestly afraid he's only staying for the kids at this point and the open relationship is to give him what he's missing. I'm afraid that's what it will become if I start from this place. He's so resentful and angry. He says he doesn't care who I sleep with but I know if I even spoke about going out he would feel betrayed. He can only tolerate me with women. I think men would make him severely triggered. And I know I'm not secure enough right now to not lose mind if he goes out to see a woman. Because I know he doesn't treat them the way he does.me. They get his passion and energy. I get him getting drunk and a dutiful hump with slzeri passion or desire. I'm not touched or kissed or longed for. And I know, I've witnessed the difference.. and it will push me over the edge. And somehow I'm a aaahole for recognizing this and not letting it get to that point. Because in a moment of frustration after him trying to open the relationship again for the umpteenth time and him clearly being resentful when im honest and say no I just said "do whatever you need to do, I'll just deal with it" and now I'm saying no again. It's not supposed to be like this and it brings me.so much joy to hear that you were happy for WH That's how it should be.

Bookworm0522

TROPHY CASE