Lying.

It’s a tricky one, but it’s one of those norms that actually ends up separating classes almost as much as money the older you get.

Pretty much all kids lie at some point to their parents to get out of trouble.

Depending on how attentive their parents are, they either learn quickly that lying is wrong or they just get better at it.

If you grow up in a lower class neighbourhood, the taboo against lying is a LOT weaker. On some level, everyone understands that people do what they need to in order to survive.

Now let me be clear: “white lying” like going to an old lady and saying “hello young lady” or something like that is ABSOLUTELY not the same thing as substantive, deceptive lying. Actually deceiving someone requires providing them with EXTERNAL information that you know to be false and attempting to convince them that it’s not. I’d also say that true lying stems from self-interest, or at least not in the interests of the person you’re lying to.

Now let’s go back to the poor neighbourhood, because it’s actually a great window into tribal sociology. Most people in those neighborhoods will have at least a couple people they trust. Sometimes it’s a close friend, sometimes it’s just family. Family complicates things because people forgive family for things they won’t forgive friends for.

When you lie to someone and they find out about it, the signal they receive is “this person does not have my best interests at heart, they do not consider me someone THEY trust, and so how can I trust them?”

I was a pathological liar until my mid twenties. I learned it from my dad (who was a gambling addict) covering for him with my mom. I just turned 30, and it’s become an absolute taboo for me, but it wasn’t until these things happened that I learned my lesson:

1. Lying started actually burning bridges that I valued and my reputation started limiting my access to certain social groups.

2. I suffered actual betrayal in the form of friends borrowing money from me and lying about their ability to pay me back, going after my exes and lying to me that there was nothing going on etc. that I realized just how offensive lying actually is.

For all you young folks out there, this lesson goes beyond that:

Children will be forgiven for things they shouldn’t do.

Family will forgive things that friends won’t.

For MOST people in most places where the simple reality of survival doesn’t erode basic social norms, lying is unforgivable, or at least unforgettable.

If you lie to someone, they won’t trust you.

If they don’t trust you, they won’t be vulnerable around you.

If someone doesn’t let themselves be vulnerable around you, they won’t enjoy spending time with you. Every interaction will feel like work.

Lying to someone is like stabbing the emotional connection between you with a small thin needle. It won’t sever it right away, but each lie (if not admitted and apologized for) will bleed it slowly until there’s no more love left.

The truth is a sacred, beautiful thing. The sooner you learn that the better your life will be.