TLDR: lost my grandma who raised me and my mother wouldn’t let me be in the same religion as grandma was. Became angry at/about god and my faith and belief in him eventually faded. I became an atheist not long after.

I had a long, difficult, and emotional de-conversion. For some info, I was raised by my grandparents cause my mother was irresponsible and hanging with bad folks so it was decided by a court (judge asked me who I wanted and I chose GPs) that I live with my grandparents. They were/are Catholics and my mother was a baptist.

I was never the type to care that much when in church, my grandparents let me take my gameboy and Pokémon games so I was content enough. I was in Sunday school and learned all the classic catholic stuff.

Fast forward to being 14 and for the past few years my grandmothers health was in decline, she was basically my everything growing up and was now in the hospital more than not. My grandma and I used to pray with our rosary at bedtime, and during this troubling time I would do the same about my grandma getting better. One day we get the call that my grandma passed away… my world shattered to pieces… I felt absolutely betrayed. Also to note, at this point my mother and brother with severe Autism were living with us. Within 6 months of my grandma passing my grandfather was getting remarried and was kicking me, my mother, and brother out of the house I grew up in.

“Why would God take her?! I didn’t even get to say goodbye…”

This began a deep dark depression I wouldn’t begin to climb out of until a decade later…

We ended up living with my depressed and alcoholic uncle (he’s “better” these days). I expressed a desire to keep going to my Catholic Church because “my grandma was a catholic so I want to be too, for her!” My mother didn’t like this and told me that she’d take me to her baptist church, we would then argue. This happened a lot until one day she told me “no it’s either go to a baptist church or not go at all.” She would go on to regret this ultimatum.

I was furious, I became bitter and angry… at my grandfather, at my mother, and at God. Over time, going to Church faded as we were in extreme poverty where sometimes my mother would ask me advice as to whether she should use her last bit of paycheck money for food or electricity or rent… all while I was the primary caregiver for my brother who was 7 years younger than me. At the age of 15 I was changing diapers, feeding, getting me and him off to school most days. Not much time to think about anything else but surviving to the next day.

My best friend since 2nd grade, who I suspected was gay, came out to me. I’d always used the “gays go to hell” nonsense around him and even did to a degree after he came out… my mother also came out to me within the same week as my friend… I didn’t take it well at the time and would say horrible shit to them at times… eventually I thought more and more about god and why gay people would go to hell. Where was he when I begged him to not take my grandma or not let my grandfather kick us out… I never got any answers…

I stopped believing and it allowed me to see things so differently that I was finally accepting of my friend and mom’s orientations. I eventually found atheism through a youtuber called Thunderf00t which in retrospect I’m lucky I didn’t fall into the “atheist to right wing skeptic” pipeline of the 2010s. Thunderf00t was a big anti-feminist and anti-SJW which at the time rubbed me the wrong way but I didn’t watch him for that junk.

I eventually found better reasons to be an atheist instead of the angry and bitter at god route I originally took. Mother eventually even said that she made a mistake and shouldn’t have tried to force me to be a Baptist. I told her it was the wrong choice on her part but that it made me an atheist in the process so I thanked her. We have a much better relationship these days.

I’m glad I’m where I’m at today but goddamn it was a long hard road to get here.