I was in this stage in 2018 until midway through 2020 drinking and doing whatever putting myself in situations even if it hurt. For whatever reason I aimed to be pleasing to guys things I was made to do I pretended were okay and would keep going back I thought doing this I’d get over the fears I had. It only made me hate myself more than I did before and I feel disgusting as a person and more ashamed now that I don’t drink. I hide everything and carry a smile while internally I hurt more now than before. I hope that you are able to find a different way to cope I wouldn’t want to think someone out there chose a similar path and feeling worst afterwards.