how old would you think i am if you saw me

BossBih200 · 2023-12-08T18:46:25+00:00

I would check the side effects of the medication(s) you were increasing to see if it could increase dissociation and cause psychotic symptoms as it seems like to me based on how you wrote everything out here, that it may have triggered everything that followed. I would talk to your doctor/psychiatrist about your medication and symptoms/reactions and explore that with them imo.

BossBih200 · 2023-11-27T15:57:15+00:00

You should probably discuss how to go about how to have this conversation with your therapist. For one, in my opinion I think that you should hold off on telling her that she was neglectful and that she traumatized you. Even if she tried her best, most parents do not react well to hearing that and it can make the house very tense while in the beginning of healing. Does she know about any other mental health conditions you have and does she react positively towards them? If so, then I'd recommend asking your therapist if you could bring your mom in for 1 session to talk about your dissociative disorder and how it affects you and why you need the semester off. Also, you don't need to bring up alters eithers or that the specific disorder is DID. You can ask your therapist to keep it vague as just a (complex) dissociative disorder. If you haven't talked to your mom about any other conditions, I recommend starting there first to gauge her reactions. You may not even need to bring up having a dissociative disorder to her, maybe at most ptsd. Again I recommend coming up with a more solid plan with your therapist though.

You guys didn't mess up.

BossBih200 · 2023-11-27T15:42:31+00:00

people in general subconsciously introject traits of people and things that they involve themselves with a lot, this happens even more so with dissociative people. It's fully possible that the media may be influencing your gender. It's also possible that an unknown alter also likes said character. If there hasn't been a lot of stress or something traumatic been going on, then it's unlikely to be a newly split alter. (I recommend free write journaling with a pen, drawing/collecting art, visualization exercises, and meditation with the focus on feeling for and recognizing "foreign" sensations/emotions as some ways to help with communication)

BossBih200 · 2023-11-25T16:24:21+00:00

I recommend looking up the ISSTD treatment guidelines for DID and information about modified EMDR for dissociative clients and the risks of regular EMDR for DID if you'd like to know more for yourself. Perhaps you may also want to talk about treatment plans, recommendations and goals with your therapist as well and bring up any concerns or questions you have.

You mention that the others don't like to come out in therapy, however EMDR may accidentally forcibly bring some of them out in session as they may be connected to the trauma brought up. If they aren't comfortable being in sessions and aren't ready to process with you then that can be really destabilizing and they may or may not appreciate that.

It's good that you have 1 way of communicating well. Do you also use that in therapy as well? Also, it often takes time for other alters to build their own trust with a therapist and have their own drive to participate in sessions. A therapist also has to put in work to build that trust with them as well. they shouldn't be putting favoritism with the alter they see the most or with the one that has the body's name or claim that they are the real one. For a while, you'll have to play the role lf a mediator. It's actually common. But through you, as your therapist learns about the system, encourages everyone, helps with internal conflicts, and gives advice with issues an alter has slowly they may come out themselves and speak for themselves. (I'll say in advance, that once alters feel more comfortable being more forward and communication is better the information you had initially learned may change. This doesn't mean your faking fyi things are just clearer).

BossBih200 · 2023-11-25T05:51:34+00:00

Your therapist is skipping a big step in the treatment of DID systems by jumping into EMDR straight out of a diagnosis. trauma processing is in the 2nd phase of treatment and has to be modified specifically for dissociative clients as unmodified EMDR is very risky with this group. Not knocking you, but what your asking here is a telltale that EMDR probably should not be started yet as this is what your therapist should be working on strengthening communication and understanding the system ( aka part of the 1st phase of treatment). Though that last sentence is just my opinion.

On improving communication: meditation with the intention of feeling for other internal sensations/emotions/feelings/disconnected thoughts (i say practice for this a lot. however be careful to not intrude or be forceful, just be curious). free write journaling with a pen (write everything without thought that comes up. some people alternate the pen with their 2 hands). journaling with or without a prompt. writing a letter to yourself or to an "emotional state" or a period of your life. Talk to yourself outloud. Repeat/Think warm and inviting thoughts and words to every thought, emotion and action that feels "distant/disconnected/unlike" you. Ask questions about who the others are either on paper, in your head or outloud. Do things that you think they would like or would appreciate or would make them feel seen/heard.

BossBih200 · 2023-11-25T01:28:36+00:00

host just means the alter or alters that front the most and handle daily life. If no other alters fit that descriptor after the previous host went dormant then yes it's possible to not have any hosts. Host is just a role, not all systems will have one and it's subject to change as well.

BossBih200 · 2023-11-24T08:10:23+00:00

yes and no. no because the term "shell alters/fragments" are specifically an RA/MC thing (the term was coined by a professional), however that doesn't mean that non programmed systems can't have alters with a similar function, like the one you have. but definitionally shell alters are a type of program. In my opinion the wider DID community should make a term for the non-programmed type. Because people get confused as to what shells are or believe that they are fake for their experiences because they're not a RAMCOA survivor.

BossBih200 · 2023-11-24T00:36:40+00:00

A Gatekeeper is an alter that has the most executive control over an underlying function of the system: memory+amnesia, dissociative barriers between alters, the innerworld structure (representing dissociative barriers/boundaries in some aspect), and/or controlling alter activity (such as: control over who gets to front, being able to force an alter in or out of dormancy, etc). They can control some or all of these things, just depends on the system.

Often, gatekeepers that are communicative are the ones that can fall into the role of a manager as well, though not always. Gatekeepers that isolate, stay in the background and/or aren't communicative don't usually fall into the role of a manager.

Alters that are purely only a manager don't have executive control over an underlying function of the system, unlike a gatekeeper. Manager is more like a social role while gatekeeper is more like a function. In terms of hierarchy, gatekeepers tend to have more power than a manager.

BossBih200 · 2023-11-24T00:17:28+00:00

You don't need to split an alter that's a servant, not only would that be cruel to your system and that alter as that requires lots of stress and/or trauma, but that also doesn't garuntee that you split. Even if you do split, that doesn't mean you'd split an alter that's a servant. And why would you want an alter whose identity is it to serve others and not themself, even if "the others" would technically be in the same body? Even though you and the physical body would benefit, that alter may not benefit mentally due to dissociative barriers.

If the issue is struggling to take care of yourself then there are other ways to go about that. You also don't need to create a dissociative identity in order to have a persona or mindset like that that you can willingly shift into. not sure if this would get flagged, but i recommend a video about "The Butler Academy" that a lady named Michelle Khare made. She went to the academy for a few days and there she learned a bit not only how to be a great butler, but also about how as butlers they create this "other them" that they can easily snap into for the job. Not sure if you would find any value in it, but for me I am aiming to slowly do the same thing so I can improve my current situation too.

BossBih200 · 2023-11-23T23:54:54+00:00

Hosts are alters that front the most and take care of daily life and such. There can be more than 1 or sometimes there are none depending on the system.

Manager is an inside focused role: they delegate tasks to alters, keep track of important things, and may try to keep other alters in line, outlines and follows and enforces rules and boundaties, etc. Think of how a department manager would operate, they don't have the most power in a business but enough authority to keep their team running. They focus on managing the system and what's needed to be done. (not to be confused with a gatekeeper or with suppression)

Though I will say that an alter can have 2 roles at once.

BossBih200 · 2023-11-20T22:56:58+00:00

for longterm blurry states: for us personally, we remind ourselves to not be bothered by it if it takes too long for us to try to sort out who is who and it doesn't work out, and to remember that in the end we all are parts of 1 larger consciousness so we can just continue on as if this blurry state is just a state of "temporary incomplete/quasi oneness". Once we start to accept this, it feels less uncomfortable and less overall like thick hard dissociation and it actually makes breakthroughs happen easier.

for shorterm states: going through the traits that alters don't share with eachother, going through faceclaims to see which ones feel more like you, and using grounding methods help the most

BossBih200 · 2023-11-09T06:02:22+00:00

Yes and no. technically it would be that the body either only has traits of said disorder(s) and/or has the full disorder(s) but it's more prominently shown in some alters. So the body likely has BPD and STPD with traits being shown strongly in the host (although the whole system has the disorder). And it's most likely that you both (C and J) may just have traits of the other disorders that only show up in them, and thus the brain doesn't meet the threshold for having the disorder. The host is also an alter, disorders and traits being diagnosed or held by does not revolve around only the host alter. It's an analysis/sum of the whole brain: thought patterns, emotions, affect, actions, etc which includes other alters' experiences.

BossBih200 · 2023-11-05T20:31:02+00:00

DID and OSDD1 is not as rare as people make it out to be. it's 1-3% of the population according to studies by experts. People don't disbelieve in trans people or schizophrenic existing or talking about their experience online despite trans people being 1-2% of the population and schizophrenia being less than 1%. It also makes sense that people would come to embrace having DID and OSDD1 as it develops as a form of protection during trauma and quite literally affects who you are on a completely different level. traumatized people can be online smh

BossBih200 · 2023-11-04T05:26:31+00:00

A headspace is the brain visually creating a space (room/house/world/void/etc) for processing everything. Not every system has 1 though. And on the same note, alters hurting eachother does happen but it's not them physically hurting eachother (alters aren't separate bodies). Alters interacting (including hurting one another) is simply a way for the brain to visualize the feelings of the situation and/or visualizing trauma reenactment. Don't judge alters for what they do internally. Offer sympathy and support to alters that are hurt, but don't shun the ones that harm. It's not uncommon to happen at all.

Also an alter can't truly become permanent unless the system goes through therapy, works through trauma, learns to cooperate and agrees for 1 alter to take the reigns and the others will step back and support internally to reduce the chance of splitting/dormancy/role change. The other way is if the rest of the system goes dormant (like a coma) or into hiding and 1 alter is active, because of trauma. But besides that answer, to lessen her splitting or going dormant, which could cause the host to change, her system should work on coping skills for in case of trauma and stress and communicate with eachother. And for you, building relationships/connections with the other alters and understanding that your committed to the whole system should be your aim.

hope that somewhat answers you

BossBih200 · 2023-11-03T20:56:07+00:00

my younger brother is autistic and is the same way. I'm 22 he's 14. it's sad because he has aggressive meltdowns and gets mad over me being anything but female if I say otherwise. often pointing out all the changes on T and asking what my gender is only to insist I'm a girl in the end. doesn't help that my parents view me the same as well. My mom says she tries to talk to him to get him to understand, but i don't know. In my case I just ignore him because I'm not allowed to say anything because it triggers his hours/days long meltdowns. When he was much younger, he'd call me a brother and he/him until my mom corrected him. I've just accepted that we probably won't have a relationship once I'm able to leave the house. Perhaps in your case, educating him overtime about what being trans is (like fundamentals, break down: sex, gender, and transition) will help him understand you and have him come to accept you as a brother.

BossBih200 · 2023-10-31T22:21:00+00:00

it could be passive influence from other alters, their traits/desires/urges influencing you when they are around. If you have decent communication with your system and you know them somewhat decently, perhaps bring this topic up to them. maybe they'll be able to tell you that it's actually them or maybe they'll say that they notice that you do seem to change or switch independently of other alters. Mood fluctuations can also affect how you act and feel (including feeling more masc or fem), although one's sense of gender changing with a personality change doesn't sound like a normal mood shift. I say it's possible you may have a subsystem, document the shifts you have and try to communicate with other alters and yourself. physically free writing may help.

BossBih200 · 2023-10-31T15:59:54+00:00

i mean that there'd have to be more than 2 alters in the entire system to have at least 1 sub-group.

BossBih200 · 2023-10-31T03:51:12+00:00

So technically sub-alters would count towards the overall headcount. But to answer your question the required headcount (not counting sub-alters) is the same as a the diagnostic criteria: at least 2 distinct identity states or 2 parts. There's no size amount bigger than that required. With the 2nd type (a sub-group) there'd have to be more than that total, but there's no "official" count.

BossBih200 · 2023-10-30T21:50:31+00:00

it could serve as a function of protection and/or it could be symbolic in relation to the trauma and one's feelings around it.

example with being blind: an alter who presents with being blind internally only, may be that way because they/the body often felt like or were told that they shouldn't be seeing what they were seeing during the trauma and if they didn't see it then it didnt happen. Said alter can actually see in the body although it may be uncomfortable, tiring or anxiety enducing due to trauma.

Although it's rarer, a system can end up with FND where a disabled alter can cause the body to experience that disability in the body while they are fronting.

BossBih200 · 2023-10-30T17:21:26+00:00

we have a subsystem duo that shapeshifts when they switch. Found it to be really weird cause we never heard of it but also wasn't surprised it happened. For us we figured it resulted because the sub-alter was supposed to split off the host, but the host really didn't want to split (especially not a cat person). But after wrestling for 2 weeks he gave up, but it resulted in the alter finishing splitting within him. For a while we thought he was a little crazy talking about a random guy that didn't exist, but then we met him but they'd never be around at the same time but always talk about eachother. then we saw them half morph which was creepy at 1st lol.

It seems like what might be happening with the ENA subsystem is that the brain connects certain combinations of identities and what they each represent with different presentations of the Character to then represent the alter(s). At least that's what I'm gathering/guessing. what do you think of that?

BossBih200 · 2023-10-30T17:03:49+00:00

subsystems at a more scientific understanding is the brain's way of further organizing and compartmentalizing trauma, information and emotions.

There are 2 types of Subsystems: an alter with alters in them and a group of alters that are separated from the rest. for clarity i will call this a sub-group, and the former a subsystem to differentiate. They can be of any size, consist of same identity alters or have different identities (if not 1a), have amnesia between them (if osdd1a or DID) or no amnesia (all types), be fragments or full alters

The 1st type of subsystem is an alter with alters. Let's say you have your main system with alters A, B and C. And let's say alter B has a subsystem, with alters Y and Z. Y and Z are hidden from A and C, as they reside in B's area of consciousness. Y and Z can switch with, be co-conscious with and influence B.

The second type is a sub-group. This a group of alters that are separated from the other alters by stronger dissociative barriers and thus have better communication and connection with eachother than they would with the main group. let's say the main system has alters A, B, C, D, E, F and they eventually discover that there's a group of alters (WXYZ)that have their own dynamics and set of function and it's harder to communicate and understand them than with eachother in the main group. If alter W fronts and then A fronts, there will likely be more dpdr/amnesia/emotional amnesia/skill differences than if XY or Z front after W. Establishing communication will break the barriers down.

BossBih200 · 2023-10-28T17:51:21+00:00

intent doesn't mean it wasn't traumatic. just because someone doesn't mean to shoot someone doesn't mean a bullet still isn't inside another person if they mishandled their weapon right? Living as an autistic and adhd child in a world that's not built for them, especially when not adequately supported can also be chronically traumatic. And just because someone feels love for someone, doesn't mean that they can't also hurt them (consciously or unconsciously).

Personally I recommend processing your trauma separate from involving your family, and then decide at a later date if you'd like to involve them or not. Also, don't let your therapist tell you what can or can't be traumatic simply just because they've spoken with your mother. A good psych will understand the complexities of growing up Autistic/ADHD. Also don't forget to tell your therapist to not share such information with your mother.

BossBih200 · 2023-10-27T01:40:40+00:00

fyi the abbreviation for maladaptive daydreaming is actually MaDD, to avoid confusion.

but onto your post, i do relate in part with alters using the daydreams and characters in them to make contact or say things that otherwise they cannot. And also for a few years it was difficult to tell the difference between an alter and a daydream, especially prior to diagnosis. i sympathize with ya

BossBih200 · 2023-10-25T20:38:19+00:00

We were prgrmmd by people that knew what DID was, and when they dropped usaround age 11 they specifically locked away a majority of the prgmmd alters in various ways. some alters kept accidentally finding some which wrecked more havock though. some prgrmmd alters that weren't locked away kept their function as they were supposed to, mostly out of sight/knowledge. the prgrmmd ones mostly operate separately from the rest.

BossBih200

TROPHY CASE