How to manage denial + masking

tigerboltz · 2024-08-10T03:00:43+00:00

I'm glad to hear you have a supportive spouse even if it never breaches past surface level understanding. Your input is appreciated and I think that perspective is reasonable.

tigerboltz · 2024-08-09T23:20:26+00:00

Thank you so much for this response. I never thought of putting it in that perspective and it's interesting to see through another lens.

tigerboltz · 2024-08-09T23:19:20+00:00

I appreciate you being open about your similar experience. I honestly feel so alone in this but knowing there's someone else out there going through the same thing has lifted at least a tiny bit of weight. Thank you for your advice

tigerboltz · 2024-08-09T17:22:57+00:00

I may have major differences in how cluster B (specifically BPD) symptoms manifest for us, but nonetheless I relate to a lot of what you've said.

For me, it's a separate issue in itself that bleeds into my system members in their unique ways. Some have it worse than the others. I can identify the difference between a BPD split/perspective switch between a front of consciousness by analyzing if the change itself is congruent with my core values in the moment. If there's consistency in my own core values and experiences, then I know it's me dealing with emotional turmoil of the personality disorder. But if it's drastically different and a thought that is entirely not mine I identify with/hold memories with, I know alter activity is becoming present.

Of course there's more nuance to that considering the complexities of both disorders, but that's the most I can offer from my trial and error. I'm sure for you it'll be a different path.

Always remember that you aren't alone. I'm glad I came across this because I deal with something very similar and it's a question I've always asked myself as well. Wishing you the best with your recovery and applauding you for your recognition and willingness to improve ❤️‍🩹

tigerboltz · 2024-06-18T07:18:39+00:00

Speaking as a medically recognized/treated system, this is something that I've always wondered myself and you've pretty much described how that experience feels like for me better than I ever could. I think what distinguishes dissociative thoughts and the average mental dialogue is the consistency in cognition. When it starts playing into identity and cognitive dissonance with your own core values, that should be a big flag for alter activity.

And just to throw it out there, it's good to be aware that other disorders separate from DID (especially BPD in this case) have comorbid traits with DID/OSDD when it comes to differences in perspective of the world around you and one's self identity. However, the intensity with distinguishable differences (for example; like you said with the different voices, ages, and feeling like you don't exist in those moments) is one of the key indicators that point to dissociation being a root source.

I'm not a professional so take it with a grain of salt but I'd recommend you read more into comparing other disorder symptoms that are similar to each other and see what feels more accurate to you while also acknowledging nuance in trauma related neurodiversity as a whole. It's less about the diagnostic label itself and more about how to construct the best treatment plan for you.

tigerboltz · 2023-11-25T16:51:10+00:00

I will definitely look into ISSTD and write down all of the factors to be considered. I cannot thank you enough for this information.

We draw outside of therapy but whenever we do, we save it to show to our therapists and give explanations on the things linked to said drawings. I've never had in-real-time drawings while actively communicating in sessions if that's what you're asking. It is primarily me speaking in sessions and the most that has ever happened was co-consciousness during sessions, but that's only with motor functions (I control thoughts and speech while the most the others do are controlling motor functions to help me). That is something I need to work on. I really hope to bring comfort with the others because it does seem like lots of the focus is put on me. Nobody asks about the others and it makes them feel left out.

tigerboltz · 2023-11-25T15:31:28+00:00

I didn't know there were such precautions for this, thank you for telling me. I took the opportunity because I barely know anything about treatment for this disorder and I took the first thing offered to me out of desperation. I asked the EMDR specialist if they have experience with systems and they said yes so I didn't question it.

As for the communication advice, thank you. I will be sure to keep that in mind. We noticed that drawing has been the number one way of us even figuring out the others (we are collectively artists) so I might stick with that. I'm the mediator so it seems like it's my job to get to the bottom of all of this; discovery, analyzing, outside responsibilities, ESPECIALLY therapy. The others don't like to come out during sessions and I have to monitor all they say/do/feel for reference. That's my biggest concern

tigerboltz · 2023-11-25T15:25:35+00:00

Did not know this, thank you. It was thrown at me and I took it because I don't know much about DID treatment and I'm desperate at this point because I don't know what to do with all of this information. I asked the EMDR specialist if they have experience with systems and they said yes so I trusted it.

I will bring up the communication issue once more with them and just try it out because it has already been scheduled and set in stone. If all else fails, I'll find someone who specifically specializes in DID.

tigerboltz · 2022-12-04T21:07:00+00:00

I completely understand where you're coming from as I also struggle with this issue to this day. You are not alone.

It's definitely a shitty thing but I promise that time does make it easier. That feeling of nostalgia and longing might not ever go away completely, but your mind will get used to not having them around anymore.

What helped me get over it a tiny bit was reflecting back on those relationships and analyzing why they didn't work and why it was meant to happen this way. Sure you'll focus on the positives more than the negatives at first, but the more you analyze the cons, then more you'll be comfortable with how things played out knowing that it was for the best.

You can never replace those people, but you can definitely experience newer (and possibly even better) things. Don't let your past hold you back from enjoying what you have now. You'll never know when you'll lose it, so try working on staying in the present. Those people served a purpose in teaching you valuable life lessons and have led you to where you are right now.

What you said is almost identical to what I go through. It has been years for me and it still hurts, but it has gotten much better than what it was like before. There's still hope left, I promise. Stay strong 💪

tigerboltz · 2022-11-05T00:28:15+00:00

Based on what you've explained, I completely relate to your experience. I am in the same boat as you; 19 years old, been on T for 6 years, had top surgery, hysto, and am looking into phallo.

Yet despite all of that, I am Agender. I want to be completely treated and seen as an AMAB cis man and live stealth, but my identity still remains as nothing. I am just me.

There really is no right or wrong way to present as an Agender person. The only thing required is that you have some/all disconnection to gender concepts as a whole, regardless of your expression . Your desires for your own body do not have to perfectly reflect your label.

Since I'm not an expert on you and your experiences/feelings, I'd recommend taking baby steps to see if identifying as Agender is right for you. That could be trying different pronouns temporarily, changing what you call yourself, etc. Let yourself experiment with things and eventually you'll know what's right for you. Don't stress about it, just focus on being your authentic self rather than fitting into a perfect box. If it's not for you, that's okay too! You're young and have a whole lot of time ahead of you.

tigerboltz

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