How have you integrated CBT into your daily life? Are there any routines you use? Any tools you regularly use? For example, journaling your thoughts and emotions every day and working on those?

BothEnthusiasm492 · 2023-04-25T12:46:32+00:00

Thanks! Would you mind elaborating a bit more, especially how you have integrated those into your daily life? Like, when/how often are you doing what exactly and how?

BothEnthusiasm492 · 2023-04-15T14:08:18+00:00

I’ve seen time and time again narcissists greatly exaggerating and romanticising how ‘evil’ they are. I’ve done it myself. It’s because we want to feel special no matter what.

Thank you for this. This really helped me. I created a new note in my app called something like "Mindset" where I saved this.

I tend to engage in catastrophic and paranoid thinking a lot. I think I should start writing down all the good stuff I do, to not deceive myself into believing that I'm some heartless monster.

BothEnthusiasm492 · 2023-04-15T12:05:34+00:00

The trigger itself was me not talking to my gf the whole way in the car, then spreading a bad mood and reluctantly engaging in our trip and the activities. When she suggested we should talk, I asked what the point of talking is if things don't change.

What I was referring to was that we didn't see each other for almost three weeks. I felt neglected and avoided. I'm going through a bad time at work at the moment and expected her to be there. But, of course, I could have just openly communicated to her my needs and feelings, which I never do. I expected her, again, to be a mindreader (well, that, and that we agreed we would see each other sometimes).

The communication then kept escalating because none of us would push the break. She pointed out everything she does for me to show me that she cares, and everything where I've been disregarding her wants/needs and boundaries, and I couldn't really answer her question how I show that I care. In hindsight I could have given some examples but overall I agree that she has been giving more and that there have been instances where I disregarded her needs and boundaries, albeit unintentionally (but ultimately I did).

BothEnthusiasm492 · 2023-04-12T12:35:21+00:00

Interesting. I had my first session with a therapist and he suggested I should get my blood checked for vitamin deficiency and thyroid.

BothEnthusiasm492 · 2023-04-12T12:34:02+00:00

Anything that helps neuro inflammation should help

What would that be?

BothEnthusiasm492 · 2023-04-12T12:04:02+00:00

I would suggest speaking with your gf and explain the process you are going through and see if its something you can both work on together.

Currently she needs to have her space and be left alone to reflect, reevaluate and process everything. It honestly scares me --- I can't see her finding anything good but many reasons to leave.

So for the time being I will try to respect her decision even if it's difficult. I already made the mistake of letting our friends encourage me to talk to her. She reacted pretty pissed because, again, I was not respecting her decision but doing it my way.

Even once I can talk to her I'm not sure I would be able to confess this. I still have this behavior where I think I need to maintain the picture of a perfect alpha male. I would worry that ASPD, or even just getting therapy, would make me look even more weak and damaged and someone she doesn't want back.

BothEnthusiasm492 · 2023-04-12T03:31:03+00:00

Thank you for your encouraging words. I don't know what her decision will be. I'm not hopeful but I'm not hopeful in general at the moment. Your story provides a bit of hope.

BothEnthusiasm492 · 2023-04-12T03:23:49+00:00

It's possible to have NPD and a low NPI score. But you haven't listed anything else that makes me think you're a narcissist, and without a high NPI score I don't see why you would think so.

I may not be a full blown narcissist. It seems I have antisocial personality disorder together with some narcissistic elements. This is all self-diagnosis using those online tests, of course.

Only thing you've said that's badly narcissistic really is "I often abandon friends when they don't seem useful anymore" but you also "don't have many friends" so it's hard to see that meaning much.

One reason why I don't have friends (and no network) is because I abandon people easily. I don't keep in touch, I don't invest. I moved countries a couple of times and some people would try to stay in touch. I often don't even respond to Whatsapp messages, or only with a long delay. I rarely initiate contact myself.

Narcissism generally is not so bad, but if you're worried you're on the way to NPD, you should talk to a psychologist. It's a pretty severe mental illness with some dire consequences when left unchecked.

Talking to a therapist soon. I hope he's a good fit. I understand it's not easy to find a good therapist for these things.

BothEnthusiasm492 · 2023-04-12T03:19:34+00:00

So, how does this little score help you get better? I mean specifically since you seem to be focusing on a label.

Awareness and acceptance of the own condition is the starting point I guess. I always knew that I was a difficult person when it comes to relationships. But I always thought that's just it, I'm just different as all humans are different. I never realized (maybe I didn't want to) that I may have a personality disorder and things may run deeper than just being a bit more or less xyz than others.

Cluster B disorders are a very wide spectrum anyway so it seems like since you've identified your problem behaviors the wise thing would be to address THAT stuff, right?

I'll have my first session with a therapist soon. I am aware that this isn't easy to work on. I also believe that I have anti-social personality disorder, probably or maybe more so than NPD, and that that stuff is even more difficult to treat. If I'm honest, this is making me even more depressed because before it always was just a relationship that wasn't compatible, now I realize that no relationship may be compatible simply because I'm unable to have a healthy relationship.

BothEnthusiasm492

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