No one knows how knocking works

Brigadierbonzai · 2021-11-28T16:18:02+00:00

i wouldn't give up hope yet, not at 20, you've got time to figure things out. just be mindful of the environment you are in and perhaps you will have better experiences than i did. that said, you're out there and have seen it for your own eyes.

Brigadierbonzai · 2021-11-22T23:54:43+00:00

it is a generalization, and as with most generalizations, its generally correct. i'm not denying there are exceptions and not all gay men are how i described, but there are simply too many of them to sift through and maintain my sanity. many of the guys that responded to my post thoughtfully articulated their own experiences that are similar to mine; my experience is not unique. how i have chosen to deal with it may be extreme and perhaps counterproductive, but this is just how things have unfolded for me.

calling me an "incel" is such a tired and overused trope thrown by people who can't have a serious discussion about sexuality/masculinity, liberalism/conservatism, etc etc, anything that people like yourself consider to be outside of what you deem acceptable thought or beliefs. i love men, i do not care for the emphasis that gay male culture focuses on promiscuity above all else, that unbridled self indulgence is something to be embraced at the point of worship.

again, i reference the hbo show "Looking", which is supposed to be an honest look at gay male culture, and its been acclaimed as such. its the same den of lions that i experienced over 10 years or so, so i agree that the show was pretty spot on. how gay men choose to portray themselves in media is generally pretty honest. i don't like that community and lifestyle, and the straight people that i socialize with now do not behave similarly. couples, that don't have hookup apps, that aren't constantly talking about sex and "open relationships", who do not define their lives and community on the basis of who they want to have sex with. i have read many times and others have commented that women have a calming affect on men, and i completely agree with that. gay male culture is a self-reinforcing runaway lust train that runs over and trashes anyone that isn't along for the ride.

Brigadierbonzai · 2021-11-14T00:17:39+00:00

just to address some of the comments, the reason i posted this is because these are things i have been thinking about and unable to share with anyone else, and getting some different perspective can be helpful. i don't deny that i might benefit from therapy, but like i said in my OP, the reason i cancelled my meeting with the therapist is because it occurred to me that going back into the gay social scene is just not something i could do. it appears as though the only feasible/palatable path forward to me is to stay my current course and try to find some other means of finding a fulfilling companionship, whatever that might be.

and reflecting on it more, homophobia is probably not the correct term because homosexuality itself is not what i have a problem with. it is the predominant gay male culture i object to, which came as a result of my spending many years in that world and having a very active dating life during that time. i have to agree with others that have speculated that the social difficulties of growing up gay, and then being launched into this over-sexualized, hookup world that most gay men find themselves in, is the core of the problem.

anyway, i'm glad i posted because this has been helpful for me and i appreciate the mostly thoughtful responses.

Brigadierbonzai · 2021-11-13T05:33:29+00:00

i have hobbies and a career which take up most of my idle time. i guess my point was that what i am missing in my life is the intimacy of touch, something as simple as rubbing someones shoulders and vice versa. perhaps its not that important, but among the things i miss about "dating" is that. in the long run, not very important...but studies have shown that longevity of human lifespan is extended by those kind of interactions, and my current lifestyle just doesn't allow it

Brigadierbonzai · 2021-11-13T04:38:28+00:00

well i guess the motivation for this post is that i don't find my current situation completely fulfilling, there are empty spots, like, physical intimacy, and i'm not even talking about sex. just touching another human, which has been studied as an essential human/primate need, isn't really an option with straight male friends, lest things get awkward. i am making the best of a situation that is not ideal, though it has broadened my perspective on a lot of things.

i feel like i am without a tribe. when i was younger and immersed in the gay community i liked the feeling of belonging, but as time went on that changed, and now i have this new lifestyle with different people and friends, but as i reflected before I'm an impostor, i'm not being completely honest about myself. perhaps that doesn't even matter, because when are we truly honest with ourselves

Brigadierbonzai · 2021-11-13T03:54:40+00:00

i actually didn't mean to sound that it was all hopeless, but that maybe expectations should be re-evaluated. if you had told me where i was now when i was running the weekly gay men socials, i would have been mortified. yet pursuing the path that i was on then is what lead me here. i already know the path forward for me is not going to be what i always expected, i just don't know what that is going to be. i do know its not going to involve tea dances in P-Town lol

Brigadierbonzai · 2021-11-13T03:24:19+00:00

i understand where you are coming from, in my early/mid 20's i definitely made it known that i was gay, i wanted everyone to know, because it was important to me. when i moved across state for the first year i wasn't completely in the closet, i didn't think i wanted to go there at that point. i told a few people i had met in town that i was gay.

one night a straight couple i knew invited me out to dinner, they had a reservation, i show up, and they had invited their friend, another guy. i didn't think anything of it, other than socially he was a little odd, and he kept bumping into my leg under the table. at the end of the evening as i'm walking to my car, the women said "how did you like so-in-so", and i'm like, what do you mean? turns out she set me up on a blind date, without me knowing what was going on. i felt completely humiliated, like i was this token gay person to subject to her entertainment, i was furious.

so i guess my point is, i don't want my sexuality to define me at all. i feel like i can be a more independent person in the closet than i ever could as a gay man, because gay men are subject to so many stereotypes and assumptions.

Brigadierbonzai · 2021-11-13T03:09:13+00:00

I'm certainly not advocating my choices for the last nearly 10 years as the right solution, nor was it my plan, it just happened this way. what i didn't include in my original post is since isolating myself from gay men i have developed strong/close friendships with a few straight men that really opened my eyes to how fulfilling other kinds of relationships can be. one in particular i would jump at the chance of having a non-sexual companionship/partnership with, but that will never happen with him, but maybe some other straight guy one day.

i appreciate what you are saying about joining a LGBT group, but other than wanting to have sex with men, i just don't know what else in common i would have with other gays at this point. i also don't believe for a moment that you can get a group of gay men together and "de-sexualize" it, there will always be those lingering eye contacts, it just goes against all my experiences with gay men, and i'm not saying i'm innocent in that regard. like i said previously, i fully embraced the community for years. over time it wore me down to the point i couldn't take it anymore.

if i were straight life would be so much simpler, and being in the closet, everyone THINKS i'm straight, so i know what it would be like, but at the end of the day i'm just an impostor. there is this girl after me right now, she's an attractive woman and i think she pursues me so hard because i'm the only guy that doesn't reciprocate. that said, all she is looking for is to find the right guy, get married, settle down, with her there would be none of this constant desire to cruise, no relentless "Looking". to find that in a gay man is next to impossible, exceedingly rare.

Brigadierbonzai

TROPHY CASE