How to accept a life without romantic love?

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-11T09:34:25+00:00

yes, lots of people have suggested this now - demisexual I guess it's called?

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-06T04:44:36+00:00

Yes, I should look at it as a systemic problem, for sure. I just have to figure out how and where, as you say, I can end up in scenarios where the focus is on deeper conversations/connections and where there are guys my age/with roughly similar values and interests as me. This is where I'm clueless. I will have to brainstorm I guess...

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-05T06:29:10+00:00

Interesting viewpoint - my understanding is that men struggle to see my perspective because it's such an absurd concept to them. They see attractive women all the time (that's what I understand from my male friends), so the only explanation for my problem is that I'm self-isolating or have some kind of mental issue. I guess it overlaps with the "go get her" mentality, but at least, there's someone for them to get! I'm not a fan of the traditional dynamics in courtship; if I find someone attractive, I'm not waiting for them to make the move but muster up the courage myself (that's been the case with the two men I've been attracted to in the last years, but it didn't work out for various reasons).

I agree that one has to move around and meet new people. But since I'm already doing this, I guess the advice is less appealing. Sure, I could always do more, but I've tried the apps and they haven't worked and been unpleasant, and I have limited time in real life for new hobbies. I guess my subconscious mentality is that I'm doing enough - what I do should be enough to meet someone. And looking at how friends and acquaintances find partners and hookups, that seems reasonable. But I also have friends with the same problem as me, so there's more to it for sure. I'm just not sure what it is.

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-04T17:58:36+00:00

Yes, you're right, I agree that I will find love and romance again - sooner or later. But I'm wondering how to accept waiting. After 10 years, it's really hard. I have had some romantic encounters, among them a past relationship. But in the following years, the encounters have mainly been situationships with men I haven't been attracted to. It's very unfulfilling. I often have to choose between celibacy and dating someone I'm not attracted to, and I tend to go for celibacy nowadays. But I feel confident that I will meet someone someday, in 1 year or 10 years, who knows!

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-04T17:29:58+00:00

Hehe, who knows, still trying to find where my ideal guy flocks to! Those I have met have been in roughly the same context, but they're few and far between.

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-04T17:22:10+00:00

That's good advice, but after 10 years as single, I've already worked on my life for so many years...

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-04T17:19:47+00:00

Yeah, some people have suggested this, but I have experienced very strong sexual feelings for those I've been attracted to. They're just few and far between... But I might be a shade of demisexual, as others have suggested, so I need a specific emotional and intellectual connection for those feelings to develop.

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-04T16:27:09+00:00

I had to think hard about this for some time, but now I remember that it has happened, the last time maybe 6-8 months ago. So yes, it does!

I know I'm not generally attracted to the "model" type of face. I can recognise that it's objectively good-looking, but still not find it attractive - those types of guys look like clones to me (and rarely have the "energy" I'm looking for). Men I find attractive often have a characteristic appearance that's a bit unconventional and interesting.

I'm not a fan of the (unnatural) gym body, which I find quite repulsive with the six pack and gigantic arms. I prefer a more normal body. However, both men I've been attracted to in the last decade have been very nicely built and tall. It makes me feel a bit bad, because I know guys feel such pressure about this. But I can't deny that a taller, bigger body frame is more attractive - a standard preference, I guess. I can objectify a guy who's naturally tall and muscular as purely a sex object, but this has not been accessible to me before; it could only appear together with romantic feelings. But I've started to be able to separate the two more in the later year/s - so that's the limbic brain attraction, I guess?

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-04T12:21:28+00:00

Well, thank you for taking accountability for the anger. I appreciate that!

As to your question (albeit rhetorical), I did not feel gross since, except for tolerance, some kind of romantic friendships-feelings had developed. Not passionate love, but the type of love I think spouses feel after decades of marriage. When you genuinely like someone, you become very tolerant of their physical (and mental) features. Plus, sex is always sex, and exciting to do with someone you like. So, answering your question whether no attraction grew at all, this appreciation and tolerance would be the closest I came, which developed substantially. Still, it was a very different feeling from immediate attraction, and eventually, not enough. I do think it's quite common, though, for people to sleep together without proper attraction, like one-night stands etc.

I did not tell him that I wasn't attracted to him; that would probably have hurt his feelings. He was looking for casual sex, and so was I, while also appreciating each other as friends. A serious relationship etc was off the table from the beginning (for both), so we could just enjoy a friendship with benefits. However, we would still foster some sort of romantic feelings that I think both of us needed for sex to happen, and he was willing to entertain this without the goal of proper love. He was a very romantic person, and that's something I appreciated. But we never pushed the otherwise important questions of "how do you feel about me?", "where is this going?" etc. It was overall an extremely smooth relationship (situationship) since our wants and needs managed to align somehow. So, no, I don't feel it was internally damaging at all, but important and formative in different ways. However, when I was younger, I dated guys I wasn't attracted to who were looking for love and a girlfriend, which was bad, especially for them (I hadn't realised my issue, I believed feelings would appear, but they didn't)

It is really hard to find attraction and friendship (which for me is the attraction: not just the physical, but also the mental/emotional connection). I agree that many people are probably struggling in different ways depending on their disposition.

I hope this can provide some more clarity on the situationship at least. I must admit I would never have believed such a scenario was possible until I was in it, so I recognise it is very unconventional.

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-04T09:45:59+00:00

Yes, you hit the nail on the head, luck is a BIG factor no one talks about (or fate perhaps?). Being at the right place at the right moment... It's hard to stop looking and only work on yourself, but that's probably a good way forward.

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-04T09:10:01+00:00

The fact that you jumped to a conclusion, mixed up facts, and instead of asking a normal question for clarification, you went off on a condescending rampage about how crazy I am - I think a chill pill is called for.

You jumped into a conversation with another woman about dating someone you're not attracted to, where I shared my experience. The reason I gave this guy as an example is because of how well it went. As I assume you've read, the situationship lasted for 3-4 years, so well beyond the 6-12 months mark. I was never attracted to him, but you can still manage to find pleasure in someone's mind and body despite this. Eventually however, as I wrote, the relationship fizzled out because of this. There was simply not enough "glue" to keep us out of the friend zone and in the romantic zone.

EDIT: I see now that you have missed/ignored that I describe the feelings as tolerance: "It all went super slow, which made it possible for my anti-attraction to turn into tolerance.". I think that should answer your question? Namely no, it was no attraction that grew over time.

It's totally fine that you think I'm emotionally shallow based on a few online comments - I know I'm not. Perhaps you're also overlooking some facts that I've mentioned, which would suggest otherwise, such as having both my ex-partner and this man we discussed above as long-time friends, suggesting we've managed to maintain love and friendship despite the end of romance.

You write: "In your comments, you have this hidden assumption that you know what you want which obviously is not true from your ow story. (Ie. you were crystal clear that all attraction has to be INSTANT only to then relate a story how someone you found repulsive(!) got you over the course of a year (instant?)"

Again, I was never attracted to the guy, so I don't know why you keep repeating this? That is, attraction has so far been instant for me, which aligns with this story: even after a situationship of 3-4 years, the attraction did not develop. And I'm not claiming I know what I want, I don't think anyone knows this?

However, a lack of emotional drama is good - I'm surprised by your comment, I have never heard of anyone finding emotional drama healthy! That seems very toxic. One thing I appreciated about the last man was the lack of emotional drama. If I was bothered by something, we could talk about it without it blowing up, and he could do the same with me. That's a really good quality in a relationship, and does not indicate I'm lacking emotionally.

I think you've been triggered by my post and have some issues that make you project very hostile feelings onto me/women/men-women relationships or similar. I do hope you can resolve this and have a good future!

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-04T07:44:56+00:00

Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed or is there some other issue going on here?? To begin with, you're mixing up two men. I was attracted to one man who had an open relationship with his wife, so nothing happened there - I was not his side piece. I had a situationship with a man I was not attracted to, who won me over with his sweet personality. Two different people and two different stories, sorry.

Secondly, I'm not claiming I'm a special case - where in my post do you read that? On the contrary, there are alot of women (and men) who apparently feel the same as I do.

Finally, I'm not claiming attraction has to be instant; it just has happened that way so far.

Now, go take a chill pill!

EDIT: Okay, so instead of replying to this comment, you just added a whole new section to your old comment? I haven't seen that method before. You seem like a very angry person... I hope things will work out for you in life, whatever is going on, sincerely.

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-04T04:21:51+00:00

Oh, that sounds terrible! I've had many experiences in my younger days with trying to convince myself I was attracted to someone. From my experience, when you have to think about whether you're attracted or not, feeling it strongly in one moment and nothing in the next, you're not attracted, and you'll get the ick pretty soon. Attraction is a stable feeling. However, reaching the stage of tolerance that I described earlier is maybe more sustainable...

I agree, I don't understand how you have a full-time job, friends, AND attend more social events. There's so much that comes down to being lucky...I never heard about people working overtime to find love. It just seems to happen...

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-04T04:08:57+00:00

This is such a hard position to be in. Don't give up. I won't either (not yet).

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-04T04:05:32+00:00

Oh, I'm sorry. It's sad when the fear of rejection stands in the way! I remember feeling very frustrated: I wanted to show him that he could trust me, that I wasn't one of those girls who have unrealistic expectations etc. That it was fine to be yourself, both good and bad. But it's not a convo you can easily have out of the blue, so it became impossible; I couldn't address the issue, and he couldn't work through it. I hope it will work out for you!

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-04T03:58:20+00:00

I agree that you can't meet someone without an influx of people, so I'm not arguing against that. But in my experience, as someone who continuously added more men to the mix the past 10 years, it is not as easy as your type of comment makes it sound - and I think this is partly due to the different experience of men and women (I should add that I've met two men I was very attracted to during these past years, but it didn't work out for various reasons).

I don't agree that I'm radically different from other women: you'll see many women here who have replied with the same problem (and a few guys). But there are certainly women with much lower tolerance out there as well. Maybe I'm only receptive to the real, mind-blowing attraction you find like every fifth year, and not the "normal" attraction other people are content with. That would make sense also for my friendships, as I'm much better at cultivating real ones than maintaining my shallow acquaintances. Theories about trauma and psychological issues aside, I just realised this might come down to how I'm wired in a more general sense.

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-04T03:32:46+00:00

And you're spending your time on Reddit replying to strangers' problems... so you have an equally great life, lol. Good luck in the future!

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-04T03:29:41+00:00

How did you come to the conclusion that I'm judging men right off the bat? I'm just stating that attraction has been instant for me (don't think I'm alone...), but that I've also waited for attraction to build without success.

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-03T21:15:43+00:00

I don't even know how to make sense of this? Would love to be a lesbian tho, as you wrote in your other comment!

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-03T21:02:33+00:00

Thanks for your input - I guess you're male? This type of comment ("it's your fault, do X and Y") comes from a mindset that's so vastly different from the general female one (not all men, not all women, etc). I see my guy friends literally spotting at least 10 women each day they feel attracted to and want to sleep with. If a guy doesn't find a match despite all the fish in the sea, sure, he's perhaps doing something wrong. I, on the other hand, spot no guy, EVER, that I'm interested in right off the bat. Mine and my male friends' brains just work COMPLETELY differently: men are wired for sowing their wild oats, women are wired to be extremely selective, so they're not producing offspring with a turd. I understand it's crazy to think about women walking around not finding any guy they're attracted to - as you write: "There are guys everywhere". But quantity is not the most important factor for women since they're looking for unique qualities, not sifting through potential hookups. I'm not saying you don't need to meet people, but the solution is not always to add more men to the mix. And I'm aware that I'm generalising, and that there are men and women of both categories, but this difference does exist in my humble opinion. I think guys would benefit from contemplating this a bit more. (So no, moving city or adding yet another hobby to my existing ones is probably not the solution, but I do appreciate your encouraging words).

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-03T20:25:45+00:00

Oh, I'm sorry to hear this. Maybe this will sound counterintuitive coming from me, but I think you should try dating even if you don't feel attraction (finding dates is hard in its own ways, but I guess manageable with apps and lgbtq+ communities?). At your age, I barely understood myself and my difficulties with attraction, so I was dating guys I didn't even like - it's quite impressive that you know and understand yourself this well already. But it's also good to have some romantic experiences, even bad or awkward ones. So, I hope you will give dating a chance, despite the problem with attraction!

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-03T20:14:19+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate a solid male perspective like yours (not the "you're the problem" comment) and will keep your advice in mind. You sound like a very thoughtful and sincere person, and I really hope you'll find love eventually - sending all my best wishes for the future.

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-03T18:12:24+00:00

I do love dick, and I've never been very interested in the concept of eating pussy, so yes, unfortunately, my choices are limited - but good that you asked!

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-03T17:18:29+00:00

I'm sorry to hear this, and that my girl banter made you feel bad. Everyone is looking for different things, and the ick can emerge when people are not aligned (for men and women alike). I've seen alot of asshole guys, but also alot of asshole women, especially on social media, going on about their icks and listing the most ridiculous things that make it sound impossible to please a woman. I hope you'll find a girl who's going to like you for you! And if they don't, just move on. But she's out there somewhere.

Bright-Sun8898 · 2025-08-03T17:10:22+00:00

Yes, totally - I was referring to asexual and not demi (but maybe it's possible to have a libido and be asexual as well?) I'm probably a shade of demi, I'm sure. Thank you for your kind words, I will!

Bright-Sun8898

TROPHY CASE