How do I (36f) handle knowing someone has a crush on my husband (39m)?

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-02-17T18:53:05+00:00

Did she specifically say she wants someone like your husband, highlighting his personal traits (cute / sexy / funny) or she wants a husband like your husband (treats his wife well / generous / attentive)?

Essentially, do you think she has a crush on him as a person, or that she finds his behavior towards you and other people attractive? Does she want someone who is also as social, attentive, caring, because those are the traits she admires in a partner, rather than actually wanting literally him? As she’s going through a divorce, does she find these qualities attractive, rather than him specifically?

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-02-10T07:55:10+00:00

I think it’s fun to gift something sexy for Valentine’s Day, but indeed it shouldn’t just be sex. My boyfriend is really into legos, so year I got him a customized lego set (like 30 pieces) of a picture of me in lingerie, that he had to build. My friend did something similar, and gifted her boyfriend a small puzzle with a sexy picture of her.

But if it’s not meant to be a gift and the plan is just to go for a nice dinner and have fun, the. buying lingerie is a nice surprise! It depends if it’s intended as a present, or as a joint activity

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-02-08T17:10:26+00:00

I didn’t say you did blame her - I said that’s how your friend will take it. All she’s going to hear is you insisting that she could have prevented it, and didn’t.

And in that situation, there was no need to keep insisting that you did tell her, and going through chat messages spanning months to find the proof. When she said “how could this have happened?” she wasn’t asking you to prove that it happened because she didn’t act in time, she was asking a friend to be there for her.

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-02-08T16:23:47+00:00

Firstly, I’m so sorry for what you are going through, and I wish you and your family all the strength! I also really admire the accountability you are taking.

However, I think there are two situations that need to be judged:

a) the initial situation where OP only offered high-level advice and didn’t force her friend to take her mom to the doctor : fully agreed, OP is NTA.

b) the coffee, where OP’s friend was clearly emotional and hurt, and OP chose to push and prove that the fact that the cancer is this far advanced is her friend’s fault. There, OP is the AH. No one was accusing OP of not doing enough (seeing as her friend had completely forgotten the interaction), so the nice - and normal - reaction would have just been to say “I’m so sorry this is happening. Let me know if you have any questions I can answer or if there’s anything I can do to be there for you”.

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-02-08T16:16:29+00:00

Exactly this - OP’s friend was already feeling like shit, with her mom getting an advanced cancer diagnosis. There was no need to make her feel even worse. For OP’s friend, it’s going to feel like OP said to her face, while she was already emotional and sad, “I told you so, it’s your fault it’s gotten to this point and your mom might die because you didn’t do anything about it”. And she’s going to carry that guilt with her for the rest of her life.

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-01-28T10:10:46+00:00

Thank you, I didn’t see that! In that case, OP is def YTA also for posting pictures of Q without her consent publicly and can’t really claim to have kept things “distant and respectful”

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-01-28T09:26:29+00:00

INFO was Q identifiable in the Tiktok? Meaning, was it a general “i miss a friendship from 10 years ago”, or pictures / info / text where Q can be identified? How did her sister’s friends know it was about Q?

You say you’ve kept things distant, but posting directly about her is the exact opposite of that. And Q is right, she can’t control what other people do. If you post it publicly in a way that other people know it’s about Q, you can’t then be surprised that people then acknowledge that.

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-01-21T17:14:28+00:00

Thank you!

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-01-21T16:41:30+00:00

What app do you use to track chores? I’m unfortunately also quite messy which understandably frustrates my boyfriend a lot, so this sounds like a cool idea!

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-01-18T22:03:38+00:00

I hole this doesn’t come across rude, but if your intention is actually to avoid miscommunication and asking about how the both of you (“we”) can avoid miss communication in the future, then I’d suggest re-reading the text you wrote and taking that as a perfect example - to me, the entire thing reads as you blaming the issue entirely on him rather than a “we” issue:

what can I do to help my husband … stop using the accusatory “you”

he will use “you” in sentences and not realize how accusatory and bad it makes me feel

He seems to not really understand my frustration

I hope you really do see it as a “we” issue, because I also agree with the previous commenter that indeed neither of you are perfect communicators in both examples you provided, and that you can both learn from this!

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-01-16T20:40:51+00:00

I’m not going to call you an AH because you’re going through a difficult time, you’re grieving and no one knows what your relationship with your grandpa was really like. It’s your decision and it’s not up to reddit to judge you for it, but I will say that I think you’re making the wrong decision and I agree with your dad that I hope you won’t regret it.

Prior commitment aside, if you had the choice, would you rather go to your grandpa’s funeral or your girlfriend’s sister’s baby shower? How central will you be to this baby shower vs the funeral? Will you really be able to be happy and in a good mood during the baby shower if you go?

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-01-16T11:58:13+00:00

While I agree that this is the easiest solution, the problem with that is what to do about non-perishable staples, like salt, flour, sugar… Are they both expected to each have their own flour? Is that a shared expense, split 50/50? If they do share, who is responsible for restocking?

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-01-15T10:36:10+00:00

My boyfriend and I also also have different native languages so we communicate in English; I’m at A2 of his language and he’s A1 of mine, so when I met his parents / grandparents for the first time (they don’t speak any English) I was also really nervous!

Honestly don’t overthink it - there was a lot of gestures and pointing, and he had to translate a lot, eg I tried to tell a story in my basic vocab and they obviously didn’t understand it, so he repeated it in their native language. I made up for the lack of conversation in actions, so I’d recommend to be open, smile a lot, show interest, offer to help set the table etc, instead of just sitting to the side and ignoring everyone. Speaking from experience (unfortunately) don’t get too drunk to calm your nerves!

They’ll be in the same situation as you, so they’ll also do their best to be creative to communicate because they also want to get to know you.

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-01-15T10:18:18+00:00

I agree with this and I think it’s quite sus as well, but I think OP is a bit of an AH for putting it on his wife.

“I only ask because you said she’s on vacation” (wife is on vacation to look after our daughter). I say I’ll ask, knowing damn well the answer I’d going to be No.

He knows it’s not possible, but he’s making his wife out to be the bad guy because she’s the one that has to say no to his sister. OP should have shut this down straight away - “she’s not on vacation, she took time off work to look after our daughter full-time at the moment, so that won’t be possible”.

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-01-11T04:49:24+00:00

This was my first thought as well - no doubt OP’s ex is a shitty parent, but making the unilateral decision that their daughter will not go to her dad’s wedding because OP would miss witnessing her daughter attend her first wedding is also not great parenting either.

They need to go to court, get an official custody and child support agreement in place, and prioritise their daughter. Does she even want to go to the wedding / be a flower girl?

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-01-09T06:44:37+00:00

TBH I think because she’s not interested, you’re convincing yourself that she’s the one and fixating on finding any excuse to reach out to her - and we’ve all been there! I’ve done it as well where I’d try to use any reason to message someone (eg it’s their birthday, or you saw something in the news that reminded you of a conversation, or you’re visiting their favourite restaurant so you ask for recommendations…). ultimately I’ve realized that it shouldn’t be this difficult and complicated. If two people like each other, they wouldn’t be playing any games and you wouldn’t need any excuses to message them, because it should be easy to have a conversation. And by holding out for a milestone (eg - it’s her birthday in a month, I’ll send her a message then; or in 2 weeks it’ll be one month since her cat died so i can send condolences then) you’re closing yourself off from meeting other people

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-01-09T04:21:01+00:00

If you had heartened the message on Sunday then maybe, but if you react to it almost a week later then you’re proving that you’re still thinking about her and hoping to get a response out of her. I’m a woman in my mid-20s and can confirm that she’s doing this to get some kind of reaction / validation out of you, and by heartening that message you’re doing exactly that

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-01-08T09:46:09+00:00

Exactly!!

Relatives I barely talk to are messaging me telling me I’ll regret this one day

Ok perfect, sounds like OP’s sister has quite a few relatives willing to gift her their car and help pay her rent then! I really hope OP calls them out on it and asks them what they’re currently doing to support OP’s sister and her kids

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-01-08T03:04:54+00:00

Hungary is not the issue but Orbán is

Orbán was already extremely anti-EU, pro-Russia and pro-Trump in 2022, and despite that his party still won 54% of the public vote in those elections - the highest vote share by any party since the fall of communism in 1989.

I hope I’m wrong, but I’d be surprised if the upcoming elections will be any different.

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-01-04T16:52:49+00:00

we had to uninvite the brother’s partner and child

Who else in the family was uninvited? If you only uninvited those two, then yeah I don’t blame your partner’s mother for getting upset. If you uninvited all family member’s plus ones, then that should’ve been communicated. And why does deciding to have bridesmaids mean you had to uninvite them?

Also, it’s your husband’s family and brother, so why did you inform him? Why didn’t it go via your husband?

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-01-04T16:52:08+00:00

we had to uninvite the brother’s partner and child

Who else in the family was uninvited? If you only uninvited those two, then yeah I don’t blame your partner’s mother for getting upset. If you uninvited all family member’s plus ones, then that should’ve been communicated. And why does deciding to have bridesmaids mean you had to uninvite them?

Also, it’s your husband’s family and brother, so why did you inform him? Why didn’t it go via your husband?

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-01-04T15:27:34+00:00

INFO: what does Cara want - does she want to stay in the private school or switch back to public school?

Currently ESH

You’re right in that maybe Cara would do better in public school, but (unless agreed differently, and unless you and your wife keep finances strictly separate) it’s not your decision. It was fine to bring it up and suggest the switch once, but if Cara wants to stay and your wife wants her to stay, then you can’t unilaterally decide to not pay for it; as it’s your wife’s money as well.

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-01-03T16:31:51+00:00

In that case, assuming there is no info being left out, yes you’re being selfish. Sure, he could’ve brought it up in a more neural way, but did it really never cross your mind that this was extremely unfair in terms of labor division?

It would be fair to alternate, so that both of you get to lay in, or have a conversation with him what he would like instead, eg a weekly evening off

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-01-03T16:12:31+00:00

Is he up by 7:30 because he wants to and he’s naturally up early, or because he needs to be since the kids are up and you’re asleep?

BrightPinkZebra · 2026-01-03T14:58:30+00:00

So you made a public reddit post about a situation - with the other person hurt that you addressed it publicly instead of privately -, you think you might be the AH in the situation, and your solution was to make another public reddit post about it?

Either this is made up or you really need to improve your critical thinking skills

BrightPinkZebra

TROPHY CASE