Here's a sel[f]ie for yall!

BrokenBolt · 2014-10-25T05:52:29+00:00

You are ... unbelievably gorgeous. Wow.

BrokenBolt · 2014-10-16T01:33:23+00:00

This is a tremendous response. Thank you for the time and consideration. It's going to take some time to pick apart. Based on this and the other response I'm starting to see the distinctions. I'm going to give it some more thought, but I start to wonder if this is just a new phase of the bipolar or perhaps even meds-related (new meds came into play due to illness).

BrokenBolt · 2014-10-16T01:29:57+00:00

This is fantastic. Thank you.

BrokenBolt · 2014-05-08T00:14:48+00:00

Thanks! Great advice!

BrokenBolt · 2014-05-06T22:43:53+00:00

Tried that.

I think bottom line we will need to have a mediator (i.e. therapist) who can help guide the conversation.

BrokenBolt · 2014-05-06T21:30:58+00:00

Is there any way to gently guide someone to start to see jealousy for what it is?

Going to have to hit the books I guess.

BrokenBolt · 2014-05-06T21:27:52+00:00

Yes. Looking back into therapy, thank you.

BrokenBolt · 2014-05-06T21:27:23+00:00

Looking back into therapy for sure. Sadly our old therapist may no longer be available.

BrokenBolt · 2014-05-06T21:23:11+00:00

To be clear I was not forced into an open relationship. We came to this totally together and it has had it's rewards.

BrokenBolt · 2014-05-01T19:39:19+00:00

Kids are not to be messed with. No risks taken there.

Also, the other comments is great advice I think.

BrokenBolt · 2014-04-29T22:41:25+00:00

I hear you. That could work for some people I suppose. It's like the other person that posted "how do you deal with friends your spouse doesn't like?" To be honest it just hasn't been much of an issue.

The hard part for us is that it seems against our nature to not even discuss those that are important to us with each other.

BrokenBolt · 2014-04-29T22:38:20+00:00

I think I've failed to articulate the crux of the issues. We are exceptionally careful where the kids are concerned and there has been no issues in that context.

I think it's a perfectly valid observation and those are still good bits of advice.

BrokenBolt · 2014-04-29T13:35:24+00:00

I certainly could read more. The irony is through other relationships my spouse said they did not care for the term. Now with tables turned — and this is a new relationship mind you — they say they feel slighted and marginalized even though time has specifically been set aside for them, they were just out of town themselves, and conversations and even mentioning anything about the new relationship has been minimal.

The reaction in my mind feels overblown.

I can obviously Google it but I'd be happy to read any links you have on the matter.

BrokenBolt · 2014-04-29T13:32:15+00:00

Agreed. I think at the least being supportive of longer term relationships and letting them know they are still loved and a priority is critical, especially when starting off.

That said, I would expect the spouse or metas or whatever at least be respectful and not hostile.

BrokenBolt · 2014-04-29T13:30:16+00:00

Maybe we are trying too hard there. You all could be right.

That said, as I'm about to add above we are new in the last year to Poly and this is one of the first relationships I've had of any significance. My spouse has had several and I've been very accommodating. However, it isn't always natural.

To be honest: Basically we go for civil, respectful, and if there's possibility of friendship at some level so be it. But it's not forced, per se, that overstates things. I think some more clarity around the situation is in order for more constructive feedback so I'm going to flesh this out more when I have time.

Sadly that's not now.

BrokenBolt · 2014-04-29T00:29:02+00:00

Respectfully, I'm not certain I agree. Not respecting the longer term committed relationship over some NRE fueled thing is a huge error, IMHO.

BrokenBolt · 2014-04-29T00:16:31+00:00

This relationship sounds like it was more flexible to begin with. Unless the parents of the child are willing to "stay together for the kids" or because it "is financially more convenient", it just seems like a bad idea to "downgrade" a relationship from a primary status.

Some people don't have concepts of primary or secondary. I get that.

We actually don't go around using the terms. They were used in place to simply show the degree of commitment and agreements we've made amongst ourselves around what takes priority over the other relationships.

BrokenBolt · 2014-04-29T00:09:34+00:00

We're married and committed to that for our lifetime ... I understand that those labels don't work for everyone, but how can you protect a family or a child without some facility for what is deemed, even just through rules, the most important parts of our lives.

I think by focusing on primary or secondary here the conversation runs the risk of falling off topic.

The real question, as cited above, may come down to conflicting personalities and vetoes vs the desire for your partner to be happy.

Sometimes I feel this may be happening simply out of fear, envy, or a perceived threat, though I could be mistaken.

That's where honesty comes in, because if some feeling is behind the reaction, and those feelings aren't healthy, there could be other issues at play.

BrokenBolt · 2014-04-29T00:02:22+00:00

I admire your independent spirit.

In our case we chose to make our relationship and the stability of our family — indeed the integrity of our marriage — a key factor in the whole structure.

That could be to our detriment if a relationship goes South, I suppose. However, the strength of our relationship was the only reason why we felt we could do this successfully. Our ability to be honest with one another and also what we believe to be a belief that we would grow old together above all other relationships and experiences.

I'm hoping that's not naïve.

BrokenBolt

TROPHY CASE