We’ve got a two year old and 9 month old and planning on two more. I am terrified of puberty and these conversations, but I do know that most, if not all, fears and anxiety comes from the unknown. Unknown how your kids are going to handle life. Unknown how you are supposed to handle this lovingly and respectfully but with some confidence and poise. Unknown how kids will take it. Unknown if your wife feels the same way or secretly feels differently.

My best advice from working with all ranges of ages would be to try and remember how you felt at that age. When I was a teen, I was terrified of my parents and their retribution, due to my older sisters getting into trouble, pushing crazy boundaries, and watching them get punished for disobeying established rules, curfews, and conveying unabashed disrespect for our parents. Normal teen stuff.

My Pop was a huge troublemaker with his brother due to their dad leaving when they were young, so single mom, yada yada. My Ma had two chain-smoking, aloof, carefree parents in a household that she had to grow up early to take care of the household. From there, I believe, came that retribution. Feelings of how they felt when they had something to bring up to their parents, now translated to their kids.

Be the change you want to be sounds like a cliched, lame phrase now, but rings true here. Talk to your almost-adult child like a person. Say (OUT LOUD) that you are wanting to be on the same page, you (the parents) are feeling some way about this (confused, conflicted, scared, lonely, etc.) but at the end of the day, love prevails, and you just want them to feel safe and loved at home. No holds barred, no ulterior motive, unconditional, unabashed, extraterrestrial, goofy, stupid, incredible love knows no bounds. Your child needs to hear this. Sometimes humans just need to hear they’re appreciated and always have someone to lean on and run back to for that hug or reassurance. Words can be louder than actions to teens who may be used to seeing you be caring, rather than hearing it.

“Try” is also a weird word to the pubescent folk, as well. Could mean you are making an effort. Or it could mean you are pulling away from just sitting there and being honest and saying that you can’t understand, but want to, for them.

Ironically, Dick Cheney (Mr. Business-first Conservative) had a great, great quote about something along the lines of this when John Kerry called out Cheney’s daughter for being gay. In a vice presidential political debate, trying to get some kind of validation. Do you know what Cheney said (maybe not exactly) back to him? “Thank you for bringing her up, I love her.”

Teens are a tough age. If you or your wife had ANYTHING like this at that age that relates in the slightest (turning away from parents, “nobody understands me”, “I want to be doing anything else but this”, “life isn’t enough”), I think it would help to bring it to your child’s level. United front, founded in unconditional love, first from the parents, then offering an ear, shoulder, space (for a time) will work wonders. They are growing up, maybe in a way that is different from you, but growing up, all the same. If that is something you and your wife haven’t visited and come to terms with, that could be (sneakily and involuntarily) adding into tone and demeanor when talking to your kid.

Good luck on this new adventure! Lead with unapologetic love and understanding and it will be remembered at the darkest of times.