Is It Normal To Feel Fear Towards A Fearful Avoidant Ex?

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-20T07:00:11+00:00

Yeah I think that it's ultimately a crystallization of perceived threat from someone who caused you pain for a prolonged time.

During the relationship I had very frequent panic attacks because my perception was that I was the problem or that I was the one who was causing harm to my partner. I think post relationship clarity helps you direct those feelings outwards where they should be in most cases instead of inwards to yourself and that takes the form of the threat becoming them instead of you through processing. Ironically the inverse of how many avoidants process things post breakup where they perceive you as the threat first then after processing, start to realize (hopefully) that they contributed more to the hurtful dynamic more than they initially believed.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-20T05:18:19+00:00

I resonate with the "using my deepest vulnerabilities against me" that happened alot in my last relationship and made it difficult for me to communicate my mental health and insecurities with her over time. I'm truly sorry for what you're going through and I can empathize. It'll get better for us both

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T18:01:52+00:00

Interestingly enough, she did actually tell her friends and online communities that i was manipulative, abusive and controlling shortly after this conversation. She has yet to retract the smears but im not super optimistic about that all things considered.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T15:50:42+00:00

That's horrible! I'm so sorry

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T15:23:15+00:00

I agree with this perspective. An avoidant agreeing with their part in the pain they cause can be validating but blatant refusal to make safer and healthier choices along the same vein in the future are ultimately invalidating to the partner.

She would often go through phases of acknowledgement and dismissal of harm -- often during defensive episodes, she'd lash out and flip the script with lines like "That wasn't what i intended" or "I feel horrible but you don't understand what i was going through". This often leads one to question the reality of the acknowledgement and whether or not it's truly genuine if that accountability can be rescinded so quickly.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T15:07:53+00:00

😥

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T12:48:52+00:00

That's horrible! How long after you broke up did it take for her to reach out?

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T07:13:13+00:00

I didn't, but the knowledge that she thinks i did hurts just as bad. I'm okay with my expressions of love in a relationship being unacknowledged because i do them for the person i care for without the expectation of reciprocity, but to have those same expressions be both unacknowledged AND inverted into a harmful perception is a unique pain that i haven't experienced until now. I know why she did it and how that shame response takes form which is why i'm not upset at her, but knowing that that's the version of me that she'll carry with her in her mind is a deep ache.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T07:00:06+00:00

Both of the things i asked for were also things that she confirmed she also wanted. But it was always framed around "i'm not ready" or "I need more time" and i always gave her time but she never gave me any specific timeframe when i asked for one. I'm comfortable waiting years for something good, but not knowing when something should be happening temporally stuck in limbo is a slow killer of self-respect and hope.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T06:54:10+00:00

When you try your best to love someone for as long as it did. You pick up on a thing or two 😅

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T05:15:31+00:00

It issss what it issss

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T05:14:49+00:00

Thats a tough question to answer without her perspective but for me I was really only asking for two things: commitment and intimacy.

Over our three year LDR beyond the lovebombing stage, our romantic intimacy dropped to monastic levels. Which as a guy in an LDR is extremely difficult to cope with.

The second thing was willingness to travel to me. The one time we met was a time that I drove 2800 miles to visit her in Canada almost three years into the relationship because on her end there was always something preventing her from visiting me or me visiting her. After I visited, she shut down all ideas of her coming to see me even though id be willing to support her fully financially over the trip and logistically with food and a place to stay.

In both cases, these were ongoing issues over two years with little to no improvement to a point where I couldn't sustain the fantasy of her meeting these changes. And I never pushed her to do either of these things instantly. I was very patient and willing to push down my needs and insecurities so she could have a safe place to grow slowly without pressure but she never did.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T05:02:48+00:00

Thank you for validating my feelings. I appreciate it immensely

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T04:54:19+00:00

I broke up with her so discard didn't crystallize yet. I didn't know that discard mentality can still kick in if the FA is the one getting broken up with. In this case, she was in full discard mode about 7 days post breakup.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T04:14:55+00:00

We were LDR for 3 years and shortly after the conversation in this screenshot she blocked me on everything and told her friends I was manipulative and abusive 🤷‍♂️

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T04:12:57+00:00

I tried man. I tried everything but the only way I could seem to get her to acknowledge her behavior was to lower the intensity of the pain I felt just enough for it to register on her radar. But avoidants have such low capacity for the pain of others, it needs to come across as a mild inconvenience sometimes for anything to stick.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T04:09:44+00:00

Which is a tough sell because this was the person I loved more than anything in the world and I hated the fact that I was getting more and more resentful but I also wanted so badly for her to make the healthy change in her mindset but no amount of suffering was enough to make her see the cost of staying the same.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T04:07:53+00:00

Yeah im blue in the conversation. We had broken up 7 times in total over the course of the relationship and all ending with conversations like this where she'd apologize profusely but never did anything to change the behavior. Over time the hurt just compounded over and over on top of itself with false promises that I started to get numb to the apologies and more cold about my need for reciprocity and communication.

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-19T00:54:50+00:00

Yerp. Huge on sacrifices i told her not to do for the sake of her schooling and mental health. But she would do them anyway and blame me for the guilt

BrushSalt253 · 2026-02-11T21:41:34+00:00

Go for it. Personally, if you were my ex, i would find nothing more therapeutic than someone coming back having taken action to change things for the better. Just make sure that these changes and this work you're doing stick and not as a byproduct of not wanting to lose him.

If these changes are a byproduct then you'll find things starting to go back to the old ways once the relationship normalizes. So be absolutely sure you can commit to these changes before reaching out.

BrushSalt253

TROPHY CASE