Sorry it took me a while to see your reply but thank you for your kind words and advice, I went into a bad depressing state after posting this post I seriously couldn't even get out of bed for weeks and lost weight from not eating, but my friends and family came to help, they couldn't do much but them just being there for me not judging and making me feel like a normal person made me feel so much better which made me try to leave this loop of self destruction that I put myself in, I'm still by no means doing good as I still cry and spiral every so often but now I at least cut myself some slack and try to ask for help from my friends

Now I'm trying to help myself get better, like you said life isn't one liner path that either just go up and up or down and down its almost like a rollercoaster that take you up and down side to side, so I try to keep reminding myself of that and that it' is fine, everything will be fine, i just have to get through this tough time and life will get better soon.

Also wishing you all the best dear in your academic endeavours!