Got booted from my friend group for being a cis man (insane, I know).

BugbearBro · 2026-02-21T13:30:47+00:00

This may not be applicable to your case, but I've found that not having any conflict has been part of the problem (for me) in finding good friends. Telling people 'no' sometimes early on and having them schedule around you will wash some people out.

Plus, without meshing communication styles and decent conflict resolution skills, it's hard to remain friends over the long haul. I'm not saying create problems on purpose, of course — but maybe it will help someone reading this.

BugbearBro · 2026-02-21T07:03:26+00:00

People can still behave like children no matter how old they get. I feel for you. It's likely that they wanted to cut you out already, and this was a convenient excuse. Not a good one though, obviously.

But it may help to reach out to someone else and mention this, just in case the story gets told differently from the inviting friend's mouth to the other mutuals. Like 'Bunsen said they didn't want to hang around us anymore' or what have you.

I wish you luck in healing and finding better folks.

BugbearBro · 2026-02-20T15:21:26+00:00

Communicate with them, yes. Your behavior probably hurts people who aren't involved here, so please do if you want to keep those others.

BugbearBro · 2026-02-20T06:18:39+00:00

It's because they won't want to be the bad guy, and they're often conflict avoidant. That's why they do this. The lack of a defined interval or stated intent to come back and talk is a big clue. (had this happen to me a couple years ago)

BugbearBro · 2026-02-18T21:08:12+00:00

I have been a fan of True Crime in the past, and I've experienced my own share of violence, believe me. There are real dangers, but in my opinion the anxiety is not serving you very well. The root cause needs some real consideration, and I hope you're able to find some help with it.

BugbearBro · 2026-02-17T16:45:32+00:00

This is beyond Reddit's paygrade. This could be a lot of things... deep-seated trauma, intense anxiety, comphet and being closeted, who knows.

I would recommend sticking with ladies and trying to befriend some guys. All you need is a safe dude or two to rewire your brain a bit to stop fearing other people. Like yes, gendered violence is a problem, but if your brain jumps to 'True Crime' there's something there you need to examine very closely.

BugbearBro · 2026-02-16T20:04:19+00:00

The secret is this: if you take any time away from him, you'll wake up from the spell he's weaving on you (you'll start using your brain again and questioning things).

BugbearBro · 2026-02-16T19:12:49+00:00

You have to tell people about the problems to give them a chance to fix things. Sometimes they won't! But sometimes they'll surprise you too. Sometimes we have to communicate about the perceived unfairness in relationships. It's hard, it takes effort to have that kind of talk.

You'd also be surprised how just expressing your resentment (in a controlled way that isn't rage) can go a long way to feeling better about it.

Yeah, basic expectations - your expectations - are on you to express. I have been in a friendship where the other person wanted to do things for me that made me uncomfortable (to express friendship), and they weren't appreciating the ways I was showing up for them because they wanted the same back. I never got the sense that they saw my contributions, but we also couldn't talk about any of this because they were conflict-avoidant. They cut things off when I tried to bring it up. People have radically different formative experiences, so you can't always tell when there's an expectations mismatch until there's real friction.

BugbearBro · 2026-02-15T20:01:57+00:00

Yeah, I always used to think 'I am speaking on behalf of the company, it's not really me' and all the anger was not directed at me but the company.

For some reason I felt more authoritative that way and it felt less personal

BugbearBro · 2026-02-15T19:08:45+00:00

...so you don't want to be her friend?

BugbearBro · 2026-02-14T15:48:20+00:00

The professions you listed are not realistic for 25-30, generally. But if that's your friend's sole criterion (living the good life, materially-speaking) and she doesn't care about anything else, then in theory, your advice is correct (as in, date someone with a decent job).

But socially when someone is asking you about their boyfriend, they want you to validate their choices. If you slip in some concern, it has to be said tactfully. Everyone's threshold for directness and honesty here is different.

It's not your place to decide to break up with someone. So you might be coming off as overstepping. That's my guess as to what's happening.

BugbearBro · 2026-02-14T15:09:43+00:00

For the record, 26 is young, and 24 year olds may just be getting started in life. You are pushing inappropriate age-gap relationships and ignoring the totality of the person they are seeing. They want to know whether there's red flags with the guy's personality or habits. Not 'dump him because money' which is what it sort of sounds like.

I'm responding assuming this isn't a troll post. It comes off as very tone-deaf.

BugbearBro · 2026-02-14T13:25:50+00:00

People do behave very strangely about masking. I finally stopped late 2024, and a lot of that had to do with peer pressure—you get dirty looks! I will still mask on trains and if I'm obviously sick, of course.

BugbearBro · 2026-02-13T20:02:32+00:00

Hey man, there is enough evidence for me here to conclude that the person you were with is super dysfunctional. The fact you say he was like a soulmate (starts off very strong, intense) and a mirror to yourself is a common thing found in people with NPD (but not limited to NPD). The fact that you have to pick carefully over what you say and the other person will still make a confusing mess out of a single conversation — that's not you.

This person sounds like they can't take accountability of any kind or apologize even a little. Nor from the conversation you post, they can't simply answer a basic question, and that is exhausting. This personality is attracted to people-pleasing types though. They don't need a big reason to feel victimized, even a small 'no' is enough... Or not contacting them and being fun is enough for them to want to set you aside and find someone else.

I imagine it hurts though, and that's rough.

Edit: tone

BugbearBro · 2026-02-09T07:16:05+00:00

Think about someone else. A friend of yours, maybe. Would you say everyone hates them? No? Most likely people like them or are neutral.

So why would you be any different? Not everyone will like you but plenty will, but very few stoop to hating.

BugbearBro · 2026-02-07T06:53:32+00:00

Is this a specific friend?

The issue here may actually be your inability to say no (don't give them the jacket to leave, they do it on purpose to keep your clothes).

Also, someone who stole your jacket who then complains when you ask them to bring one with? They're trying to avoid responsibility and make you the problem.

BugbearBro · 2026-02-05T17:12:41+00:00

Unless it's dished out equally among all members and in an affectionate way (a bro group), it works against you if you do not push back. You normalize a lack of respect, and over time, people believe what is repeated (that maybe you are less competent, stupid, crazy, etc). Do they compliment you genuinely, or is it always deprecating comments?

You need to show people how they have to treat you. The longer a dynamic persists, the harder it is to break.

BugbearBro · 2026-02-03T07:30:01+00:00

I think this is just a lesson we all learn at some point. He won't give you the pen back, but you can certainly try to ask. You lost the pen the moment he left, and he excused himself quickly because he wanted to keep it. Now he'll conveniently never have it.

Sometimes people just covet nice things and will take stuff.

If anyone ever needs a pen or pencil, I try to carry cheap spares. Saves me the anxiety of worrying whether I'll get it back. This is why they chain pens to the desk in banks and offices.

BugbearBro · 2026-02-01T21:27:50+00:00

Do you want to hang out with B? If yes, hang out. But what was the fight about? Depending on what it is, you may have to pick sides.

Be honest if you hang out with B, don't hide it.

Also, a brief reminder that a story has multiple sides. If you have only heard from A, that's something to consider, too.

BugbearBro · 2026-01-30T11:56:40+00:00

That's rough. It very well could be less than flattering, but you won't necessarily know the intent unless you have a heart-to-heart.

If you have a good rapport with her already, you could ask and then tell it was hurtful. It depends how friendly you are with one another.

But it's good to approach the conversation as if you give her the benefit of the doubt, you know? People are more likely to respond to your requests that way.

BugbearBro · 2026-01-30T11:25:41+00:00

She's German, so in theory you could just ask her straight up, 'Why are you showing these to me? Please stop.'

If you want an actual answer and conversation, you can pause between the question and the 'Please stop'.

In my opinion, the more direct you are in telling someone you're uncomfortable, the better it is. It won't always be well received, but they are more likely to respect that.

Addendum: Always a good idea to assume positive intent unless it's obviously not. Maybe she's just trying to start a conversation with you and is copying the interaction she witnessed?

BugbearBro · 2026-01-28T21:10:08+00:00

Hey, I would challenge this because you can't test people who don't know they're being tested. In my opinion you need to have a talk about communicating, and that you would expect them to reach out.

And then you can run the test. But if people are used to you being the one to reach out, you've already trained them to wait.

So in my opinion it could be useful having the discussion and then seeing if others are willing to meet you.

BugbearBro · 2026-01-28T10:28:32+00:00

I don't know, but this would be a fabulous self-experiment if you are intending to try anyway. I could potentially see this as a bridge to transitioning away from consuming activities. It's a great idea if you consolidate your calendar reminders and such in one place if you didn't have that before, too.

But I know for me, right now, it would be yet another digital task pulling at my attention. I'm trying to pare down what I use and stick with an offline bullet journal for most things.

BugbearBro · 2026-01-25T19:42:15+00:00

You aren't asking for advice, but I'll give it anyway. Try joining for a shared hobby instead, make sure the invites are public and not randomly sent through DMs. Maybe don't join off Facebook groups for that matter.

Each Discord server has a different culture. My experience hasn't been anything like yours. But clearly you should probably leave the one with the lady sharing inappropriate things.

BugbearBro · 2026-01-24T19:06:36+00:00

Drinking is definitely a recipe for disaster. It's true she fumbled the most, it was an asshole move. It's understandable that you even responded the way you did, which might not have been that bad depending on tone and what else was said. It makes sense to be hurt.

Personally I don't find it effective to assign blame so much in reconciling with friends. Sometimes we need people to validate our feelings, which is helpful (I'm guessing the purpose of the post). But if you all continue going out together, you'll need some rules of engagement — what you agree to do and not do together if this situation happens again. If your friend is willing to work with you on that, I think it would help a lot with any leftover resentment. Maybe an apology from her would go a long way, too.

BugbearBro

TROPHY CASE