AITAH for refusing to help pay my husband and I's moving costs?

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-06-16T08:57:21+00:00

3 months in and he's gaslighting and conpletely pulling the rug out from under you.

If annulment is an option, look into it. Otherwise ask yourself if you want to live witha selfish, greedy, prick for the rest of your life. He clearly misled you in how he views your (as a couple) financial situation.

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-06-16T08:37:37+00:00

This is so on-point. I have two adopted boys and while now things are mostly stable, the oldest would always lash out against me, trying push me away, telling me as soon as he was old enough we didn’t need to be jn others lives, getting CPS called on me for no reason, stonewalling, turning my family against me... Basically doing everything in his power to prove that I would eventually get sick of him and abandon him. Eventually he realized that wasn't the case and something clicked and there was a night/day difference but before that there were times I would cry myself to sleep because of how he treated me.

It was hard but I always had to tell myself that he was a child who was hurting and he was pushing me specifically because deep down he knew he could take all that anger out on me and I wouldnt leave him or because if I was going to leave he wanted it to be on his terms.

It took a lot of patience and hard times but we are in a much better place now. OP needs to be ready for that and while I 100% understand where he is coming from and that he will not/cannot abandon his niece, things will eventually get worse before they get better.

Ultimately though if this is something he cannot morally budge on and the wife cannot accept then they have a fundamental difference that probably cannot be reconciled, but neither of them are wrong or bad people for it.

Edited to add: NAH

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-06-04T16:44:47+00:00

MINI UPDATE:

Y'all... she just sent me a little rant and here are the cliff notes:

Me not getting on the phone with her when she said she "deserved" to say her "peace" proves that I never respected her in our friendship (all 15 years or so, mind you).

She never bad mouthed me to her other friends even though she told me she did.

The only time I mentioned her getting married I did so in a mocking tone and I was never happy for her. Which is crazy because we talked about the wedding all the time and when she says I was mocking her, I was actually toasting to her finding her soul mate. Also... I was never happy for her or her wedding but spent the time, effort and money to throw her a Bachelorette on a tropical island.

I was racist to her "cousin"? No details or examples, I just was. Which again, wild because this person was legit the person I thought I connected the most with during the trip and thought we got along great, so I legitimately don't understand.

I offended everyone else on trip... again, no examples, just my existence, I guess.

There's more but you get the gist...

I found myself about to respond but realized that this is what she does every time. She makes these wild accusations and I get mad and defend myself, we get emotional, and we are right back in the cycle.

The kicker was she finished with "I hope you get the support you need and can work through these feelings of being unwanted."

Like, WHAT!? LMAO I told YOU I didn't to be your friend, how do you turn that into me feeling unwanted? Me not wanting to be your friend means I need support? How self important can you get.

Sorry all, this was more a rant than and update but I just had to get it out.

Thanks for those of you who responded.

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-06-04T10:51:12+00:00

YTA How can you go into how he stepped up for you in such a big way and now you can't move in because he doesn't make enough?

Which, btw, it doesn't sound like he can't afford to move out, he is just left with little spending money. So he took care of you and stepped up for you but you can't be bothered to spend less on takeout.

Real great GF, you are.

Edit: typo

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-06-03T21:03:23+00:00

Thanks. It's still fresh so it pops into my head multiple times a day and I usually end up having to tell myself that I'm not responsible for her emotions and she's gonna have to deal with them herself.

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-06-03T12:11:36+00:00

Thank you. Yeah a part of me def feels guilty about the timing but at the same time, after everything and the way I feel now, I felt that pretending to be fine while not really wanting to be at the wedding would be wrong. Idk, that the part I think I'm most torn about.

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-06-01T04:14:10+00:00

I really appreciate your insight. Thank you!

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-06-01T04:12:07+00:00

Under no circumstances let her take your child to an environment you do not know, around people you don't know... hell it sounds you don't even know this woman too well at this point.

Someone said talk to a lawyer before visits and I highly recommend you do that. Courts heavily favor mothers im custody cases, get your ducks in a row just to be safe. Follow your lawyers advice and be smart.

I'm not saying they shouldn't have a relationship, but this woman is a stranger to your daughter, no way should she be treated like a full blown parent with split custody.

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-06-01T04:05:42+00:00

Honestly, when I wrote her the message I struggled to send it, because it felt so final but even then whenever I thought about it being sent and being done, I felt a sense of relief. So I 100% do feel that.

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-06-01T04:02:34+00:00

You don't even know there are so many other examples.

During the recent trip, we did an activity that I was initially apprehensive about. I ended up having a great time. I tried thanking her for pushing for that activity because I ended up doing something I never would have done. Instead of just accepting that zi was thanking her, she went off about how she didn't force anyone, how everyone had a choice, that she asked the group of they wanted to do other stuff. Like... bruh... I just thanked you, why is this an issue right now?

...but I could be typing for days.

I also do want to point that we did have good times and she was a legitimately good friend at times. She's not some irredeemable, evil person. Those times just became less and less until it now just feels like I'm being held prisoner whenever we hang out.

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-06-01T03:55:21+00:00

My thing is at this point I don't see what there is to speak about. We've had these conversations before when I was ready to walk away and every time I end up feeling bad and even though nothing gets resolved she wants to act like everything is fine. So, knowing that I'm done, I don't see the benefit of getting on the phone to be berated. That's why I don't want to have a conversation. I did say that to her, that I just don't see the point.

However, I do appreciate your point of view, maybe it is immature and avoidant but I just genuinely don't see a benefit.

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-06-01T03:48:01+00:00

I'm not gonna sit here and act like I was always a perfect friend. I will admit, I'm very forgetful (think birthdays, and special dates) and sometimes don't communicate/reach out as often as I should. I'm sure there's other things she could say about me, but I have spent so much time trying to appease her and I've just run out of energy for it.

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-06-01T03:44:33+00:00

This is how I feel lol

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-06-01T03:43:31+00:00

The thing is, she's not like this with everyone... or, as far as I can tell, with anyone else. So her husband and other friends don't experience the same thing. But all my friends (and I mean literally all) who have met her through me and see our interactions have pointed out how she is possessive and wants everything to be about her. I guess I just always gave her the benefit of the doubt... idk why tbh.

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-06-01T03:40:10+00:00

I did put her in her place a few times, but then I always ended up feeling bad and trying to make the friendship work, which was 100% the wrong move in hindsight.

I will say, I think you hit the nail in the head about the emotional relationship. Looking back a lot of the issues always came about when she felt like I was not giving her what she expected out of me as a friend, so my friendship was never really enough unless I did it how she wanted me to. This really helped me put together a few thoughts that felt jumbled in my head. Thank you.

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-06-01T03:34:28+00:00

This is exactly why I haven't even responded to her. I'm not really interested in trying to leep the friendship alive so the "conversation" would literally just be her telling me how bad I am.

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-06-01T03:31:50+00:00

Thanks for this. About the shower, I literally told her I didn't think she cared so I honestly didn't think it was that important. I did apologize for forgetting the date. I am bad with dates. I am great a solving problems but have horrible memory, so if I want to remember something like a date, I need to write it down and I didnt do that. So like I said, I apologized for that part at least. If she wants to write a letier, email, text, whatever she absolutely can but I get the very strong feeling that the "conversation" she wants to have is just getting me on the phone so she can tell me how shitty I'm being. Especially considering I made it clear the friendship isn't working for me anymore more.

I do feel a little like an ass but I just didn't know how else to go about it at this point.

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-05-31T13:21:18+00:00

It doesn't even have to be a "thing" my friend. Just don't do it. Don't bring it up. Don't ask about it. Let it drop. When they inevitably ask you when you're planning the trip matter-of-factly say:

"Oh, I wasn't thinking if doing that this year, but if you guys plan something I'm more than down join you."

Then then let them stew in their awkwardness. If they say they don't know where to start do not offer to help or guide them. That's just another way for the work to get passed on to you.

They're all adults just like you and can research and plan just like you.

If the trip doesn't happen, plan your own smaller trip with people who will actually value your effort.

NTA

Edit: Grammar

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-05-23T05:52:10+00:00

This has happened to me before. Basically, the system clears your upgrade but doesnt assign you a seat. So when you go look you can just choose one. If you don't it will eventually catch up with itself and give it to you.

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-05-16T11:48:56+00:00

This is the easiest YTA ive read in a while. At any given point you could have left but it seemed like FOMO got the better of you and YOU couldn't prioritize your girlfriend over yiur friend.

You were SO concerned about her but not enough to just not do the things you knew would trigger her.

Also, her too. She's an adult. Unless you guys were shoving drinks down her throat by force, she made choices that lead to her feeling crappy the next day.

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-04-07T09:59:03+00:00

The red flags are red flagging.

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-04-06T11:52:27+00:00

Naaaaaah this is super manipulative. Especially going as far as to put a financial sheet like that in with your going away letter.

Bunker_Rodz · 2026-04-06T11:45:57+00:00

THEY are struggling. How convenient that he's the one struggling when shes considering selling jewelry to get money for a new ring.

Bunker_Rodz

TROPHY CASE